I am feeling shell shocked somehow. Altered. Changed.
Turning inward and figuring out what is in there.
Just some random thoughts as I process the myriad of emotions I am currently feeling.
* Feelings are personal. You can't ever tell someone how to feel. There are no rights or wrongs there. You can't set a timeline for someone else as to how to grieve or for how long. You can't judge someone for taking two steps back. People do get stuck. People do get angry. People will succumb to despair. People will feel and act in ways you might not expect. The world and its inhabitants are not here to please you nor to live to your standards of how one should be. It doesn't work that way.
* Perhaps the best way to be of help to others is to live your life in a way you want to live it. And then share that with others....not in a...I am standing upon a pedastal looking down on you....but in a raw truthful....not hiding of the blemishes kind of way. The best truths come from those without agendas or egos.
* We all have struggles. We all have pain in our lives. Pain is the great equalizer for us all. The rich...the poor...the young...the old...the willful...the innocent...all will experience some sort of pain. Some wear their pain like a badge of honor...look at me...I have picked myself up by the bootstraps...I have been through more than you...so stop your complaining and live as I have lived...get with the program and make the same choices to change. Does that pedestal truly heighten at the lowering of others? There is always worse. One could be dead right? Or maimed...or tortured or...the list goes on. Another's suffering does not minimize anyone else's experience. Knowing someone in the world right now is starving doesn't make me feel more grateful. It makes me sad about that person who is hungry. I have never understood that concept...someone else suffers and we are supposed to feel better about ourselves...as though being a voyeur to someone else's pain is a gift to use selfishly for our own gain. thank god it is not me and...go about my business. no.
rather... some people show us the way. to love. to live to understand that we too can carry on. some people pave the way...make it easier for us to see the path.
* i am not necessarily close to those who share a similar experience to mine. this does not make for instant friendship or bonding. there is something else which operates which is a matter of the core. and this is what i am trying to discover within myself. what forces make some people humble, resilient, and grateful? what is it which allows for smallness so that you can see how grand the world really is?
* what do i respect? genuineness. the ability to want and seek substance. the ability to forgive. the constitution to leave ego at the door. a willingness to accept others as they really are instead of how we would like them to be. the ability to allow oneself to be vulnerable as true strength. and of course...empathy and compassion.
* i am feeling like a vampire of sorts...feasting upon bodies...ther life force being drawn out of them in words. i feel guilty...a voyeur of the human condition...being forced to view my own pain by being exposed to others. i seem to need this right now...to be reminded of what is important and what is not. i keep coming back to the reason for most things...love.
* we are all alone really. nobody can truly walk in your shoes. we are forced to see the world from this faulty lens. we are given this body, this brain, this spirit. this is our gateway to the world and it is also our prison. we are trapped here with our own set of unique limitations and parameters. we all come with baggage and frailties. and then we meet up with others who also carry their own hosts of demons and luggage. nobody is immune. before we can forgive others for theirs or even help to lighten their load...we gotta forgive ourselves first. the anger which inevitably comes from bumping into other humans is almost always about ourselves. it is good to recognize that in order to move on.
* back to love. does it conquer all? not a chance. but it helps. it is a reason. it is a purpose. no outcome. no expectations. just...an innocent purity...as well as the greatest strength in this world...which can never be extinguished. it is what we are.
Come sit a spell and shoot the breeze. Sweeten the day with a little synchronicity...
12 comments:
Beautiful thoughts here. I'll just comment on a few as I agree with pretty much everything you said!!
You said:
what do i respect? genuineness.
Amen sister.
I agree that forgiving ourselves is vital, same with loving ourselves for who we are. Warts and all. :)
Hey lady!! Thanks for stopping by!! Sorry I've been so lax in coming by.
I'll try catching up a little tonight and leave you some more comment love.
There is so much here to comment on it's hard to know where to start.
How do you feel "shell shocked"?
Random responses:
People will think they are over things that never go away so thoroughly that the things become so normal they no longer realize they are there. And then... to get the blessing of a taste, just briefly... of what it would be like to be without those things... and all the pain they thought they were so thoroughly at peace with, hit you like a tidal wave, and you don't know what to do with the memory of the blessing of that taste...
How do you share life with others sincerely when they have no bridge to the truths of your particular personal experiences and feelings?
How do you stay open and non-judging of people who think you should be doing better than you are when you're doing all you can do? How do you not judge yourself when someone who has survived something so much more inarguably difficult than you (or the same thing as you) - does handle life with the grace and strength you'd like to have?
Why does anyone need to feel understood? Why do some people seem to not need that to still live their lives according to their truths?
Why does sharing matter - the being shared with - matter so much to some people to remember who they are even by the shared differences?
How do you live with knowing you're still alive when so many people who had the same help as you, and tried as harder than you - valued life more than you often do - died - and aren't even remembered?
How do you be supportive of someone who attacks you out of their own pain - or thoughts- without hurting yourself, when that person is going to be in your life till death does you part?
How do you pave the way for someone else's life to be easier, or toward love, when they can't see you and you can't move anything?
How do you find, or build the constitution to leave ego at the door, if it is not your innate disposition?
If your feelings/egos tend toward debilitating hurt from actions that are not even meant to harm?
How can you share the most important/personal experiences of our lives if we can't share them without sharing our own experiences of other's important/personal lives - and still respect their needs and rights?
How does knowing anger is about myself make it any easier to forgive?
Back to love. I've never heard someone say it does not conquer all, directly. Why do some people not seem to need it - whether they give it or not? To me it is a purposeless reason, and I don't know that love is who we are. I don't know who we are. But I'm starving for a reason.
"We're all alone." You're right on that one. "Love helps." Right again.
wow +phc...this is some comment! and i have no idea how to answer your questions. i can't even answer my own.
i guess i am just processing some things aloud. i feel shell shocked because i spent the latter part of last evening reading the words of a man i do not know...and crying over the beauty found in those words. i must be nuts. it was like...finding the holy grail or something.
and then i have created a conglomeration of all the people i know and my own inner critic and i am just trying to process what things mean.
i think i need a chill pill...a humor transfusion. i am swirling around in my head without a light. and it is dark in here.
I am always thinking as you have been today. I thought about many of the similar issues you thought about. Often, I always found humor very useful when I think about life issues.
You have made me think more deeply with this post and thank you for provoking my thoughts. I enjoy having my thoughts provoke because I simply like to think. :)
Jim
I love it when you share your thoughts like this.
Curiosity brought me from where you were to here 3 times in the last 2 nights. Each time I was rewarded with a good read, an interesting thought and a new bit of knowledge.
The concepts on this thread especially touched me. Thank you for finding the right words to express thoughts that I often feel.
nothing wrong with your mind, hon...
some of your thoughts/queries are similar to mine... as are your conclusions
as the old song sez: if that's all there is, lets just keep dancing
Love is like money - having a lot of it does not necessarily make you happy but try living with none. (And I do mean NONE - not the well-known phrase, 'sufficient unto thy needs' - that, I understand)
Thinking about you - I've just come out of a low time as you go into one - it must be as the Earth spins...
How honest.
"We are all alone...Nobody can truly walk in your shoes."
Though I believe that a all encompassing force of goodness...a spirit of Love views us and holds us as one..I too share the belief that technically we are all alone. This is hard for me to swallow sometimes.
Something happened yesterday that made me realize I can't depend on someone for a secure tomorrow. I can't really expect even the person closest to me to fully walk with me...This made me sad...and fearful..and angry and exhausted all at the same time. I can't make someone walk my path...how scary to really face this realization. I'm learning slowly though..to detach from expectations...to respect myself to the point of really realizing that I can stand..
No matter what our personal circumstances are...what troubles and weigh we carry...I do believe that we are all equipped with personal strength.each one different from another. And as much as you might think yourself a vampy' of sorts..so am I..
Reading here infuses my consciousness with a settled certainty...
Eleoquent post!
Love is powerful in many ways and it is what moves people to do what they do in life. Unfortunately, I believe this time I do not have the strength to continue what I do.
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