A blue mood...

a blue mood is passing through. i am feeling rather disconnected and disenchanted with the world. it is quiet here in this place. i do like the stillness. i am stark like winter.

what state of mind are you in today? where are you?

light and then dark

I have been wanting to write about this for some time now but it is kinda hard to talk about. There is humor in the story I am about to tell you, but it is of the dark kind. And know that I am in a good place right now as I write this. I am not depressed right now, far from it. It is from this good place that I want to try to see this episode in my life with a little perspective, humor, and whole lot of humility.

Why am I about to share this with you? Because I believe a lot of folks have been there, are there, about to be there. I am talking about depression here...the kind that leaves you lifeless and dry...and the kind that makes you think crazy things.

And I want to tell you what it feels like for me.

This isn't something I talk about a whole lot, with anyone. I have always wanted to control my emotions mainly because they seem so out of control a lot of the time.

This happened some months back when I was in the midst of a major depression. I can see now how...chemically it came on so sudden like. I was trying taking something and...after a couple of months it seemed to not be working. Like an idiot I stopped taking it cold turkey and...the fall was very bad.

The thing about depression that people who do not suffer from mood disorders don't understand is how very physical it can be. It isn't like...oh i am sad...boo hoo and spill a few tears. It physically hurts. Your body is drained. You don't want to move. You don't want to get up out of bed. Talking seems unbelievably difficult. Basically you suffer. The body and the brain get together and beat the shit out of you.

It is like being in a tunnel where it is impossible to see any light. My favorite analogy for myself is that it is like sitting at the bottom of a well. Sometimes people come and peer over the edge but they can't quite ever reach you . You are too far down.

Every loss you have ever felt in your life comes back at you full force. Memories you do not want to re-live play over and over in your mind leaving you hollowed out and at their mercy. "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" seems more than appropriate for the place you find yourself in. You are one raw exposed skinless creature cowering in fear and pain. But there is nowhere to hide. Your mind offers you no relief.

The thoughts pour in then as you begin to drown. The thoughts are all about being worthless and the mantra of "I don't matter...I don't matter" begins to rain. Part of you struggles to retain some semblance of normalcy...get up...talk to someone...get a cup of tea...do a chore. But everything feels slow and painful...like you are trying to walk through nettles. All your mind begins to focus upon is ending that pain anyway that you can.

You start to think crazy things...like endless sleeps...or drowning...or running away...or harming oneself paradoxically to end/release all that pain.

It is comical in a way...so very melodramatic...larger than life. The pain becomes the very center of the universe and you are trapped there. Other people cannot see this or begin to understand this. "Why?" "I don't know why...it just is." Not talking becomes easier and a way to save oneself that energy of explanation when there is none.

I was feeling...this...some months ago. And...I did not want to share this with family or friends. I didn't want to burden anyone with...me. I also didn't want judged. I also have my own demons of never ever wanting to in any way resemble my mother who is very extremely mentally ill.

I decided to call a suicide hotline.

No I don't believe I really wanted to commit suicide. But I was thinking of it and that is where it begins...as a thought in your head. I didn't want to die so much as get relief...and I could see no way other than the thought to just end things.

(just a note here...I don't want suggestions or well meaning advice here. I am telling this story so that people can better understand what this is like. so that you can help others when they need you or so that you may help yourself as well.)

Now here is the humorous part if you can believe it.

I think I chose a number out of the phone book...a national suicide hotline number. You are not gonna believe this but...I kept getting a message that all operators were busy and nobody was there to receive my call. Yeah...that's nice. Too many suicidal people that day...so sorry. Try again...or...not.

That response in itself began to make me laugh.

So I tried another number and this time, although I got a hold of someone...I could not hear them. The connection was bad. I would begin my lowly monologue..."I am just feeling extremely depressed today and just wanted someone to talk to." The response begin with the other person trying to get more information, "How depressed are you....." and then the voice would trail off as I would tap the phone and yell, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" They would try again but to no avail. More than frustrated after many attempts I slammed down the phone.

At least this gave me something to do other than oust myself.

I had written to a friend about my ordeal and we came up with this little skit. Just goes to show you humor can be found in the darkest of situations.
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Boy I like that first one. “Hello, if you are thinking of doing away with yourself press one. If you aren’t serious but just thinking about it press two. Hello you have pressed one so you must be serious. Our clients are important to us. All available counselors are occupied, but your call is important to us. If you could just wait to do the deed your call will be answered in the order it was received. If you have an Internet connection, you might want to check our website HelpAren’tUs.Org.

While waiting, please take our survey. If you are planning to take pills, press one. Knife, press two. Jumping off cliff, three. Jumping off bridge, four. Revolver five. Getting police to do it, six. Train, seven. Tractor-trailer, eight. Airplane, nine. Doctor assisted, ten. Phil Spector, eleven. OJ Simpson, twelve. We did not understand your selection. Press zero to return to the main menu. This is the main menu for HelpAren’tUs. Our offices are now closed. Normal office hours are from noon to 12:01, odd days of the month. If we’ve been able to help, please tell a friend.”

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Perseverence must be my middle name because I tried a third time using another number. This time...thank god...this time I got a live person and a good connection.

Frank was his name. Frank was wonderful. The man let me talk for nearly an hour. I had no idea I had so much to talk about. But it all came out for Frank. Maybe because he was a stranger. I didn't give a fuck...I could say whatever I wanted. That kind of freedom is a blessing.

Basically Frank used all the good therapy techniques which...I already knew but seemingly sayiing them to yourself...doesn't do shit. You need that outside voice to say the right things. He told me I had a right to be sad. He told me I had a right to feel rage. He told me he could tell that I was a strong woman. He told me my loved ones would not be better off without me. He said...simple things. Common sense things. But yet nobody says these things. People want to fix you or pick at you until you come up with explanations or...they minimize or patronize. What Frank did for me was to give me permission to feel. It was okay to feel like this no matter how ugly I felt. He allowed me to retain my dignity...my humaness...and my ability to forgive myself.

I ended the call when I could walk away feeling like maybe there was a little hope after all.

Know that I am vulnerable sharing this. It is not something I am particularly eager to share with the world. But I think the risk is worth it. I am a strong woman but I am human too. And so are you. If you are someone who can relate to all this...please know that you aren't alone. Please know you matter. Please whatever you do...hold on. Even if it means calling a hotline. Do what you have to do to survive. Depression makes us think and feel crazy things. It sounds stupid as hell but there is tomorrow. One of my dear friends who knows me well helps me so much by saying factually..."you have been through this before...and you are going to feel better in time." My friend is always right. Yes the pain will come again without a doubt. People who suffer from mood disorders...it does seem to be a life long affliction. But it doesn't mean that there aren't good times too...and more importantly there are times of great meaning for what you can give to the world despite and especially during your suffering.

Whew...glad that is over with. Now onto lighter fare...

blue

i find myself in a very blue mood lately.

Dark Clouds

Moods are as fascinating as the weather. How is it....why is it...that one day can be so full of light and then the dark clouds roll in so unexpectedly...so uninvited. and then everything changes.

Normally I shy away from public writing when I am like this. But I am going to take a risk here. I want to talk about this. So many people suffer from mood disorders. I want to share my experience so that maybe someone else will know they are not alone. And if you, yourself, aren't experiencing this, perhaps you know someone who is.

I don't want this to be some "poor me" diatribe. I have never been into that. But more...a translation from my world to yours...wherever you may be presently.

I am inviting you here to be with me.

Sometimes it is very difficult to be with someone who is depressed. It all seems so hard to understand. Believe me...it is even more confusing for the person experiencing it. You wake up to the same surroundings, the same sun glaring through your window blind, the same furniture, the same four walls, the same you. But yet everything is different. You don't feel like you anymore.

The feelings creep in...the doubt, the insecurity, the feelings of worthlessness. They breed like cockroaches. And you feel there is no way to stamp them all out. So you lie there and pretend it isn't happening.

I like to try to think like spock at such times. I tell myself that this is all illogical. My mind is playing tricks with me. My mood is an illusion based on...chaotic chemicals. I remind myself...this biological. The sadness is not me.

But...logic only goes so far as we are human feeling beings.

So the choice is...do we accept this feeling and just let it come? Or do we try to stop it in its path? There is no right answer. The truth of the matter is...you are going to feel some pain no matter what you do.

Vulnerable, helpless, passive. "NO!" your mind shrieks as you gear up for some sort of battle. Anger is better than this. But anyone experienced with moods such as these knows better. The anger is merely a hollow fixture to be broken along the way. When the anger leaves... you have to deal with the real emotions...sorrow and even emptiness.

We are so down about being down in this society. Take a pill. Shut up. Go love yourself. Buck up. Get over it. Be positive! I think I hate the last cliche the most. As if positivity is something we can retrieve from the kitchen shelf and digest. There is judgement there as well. As though we mustn't ever show human frailty or vulnerability. It is easier on others if we just smile all the time and say things are fine.

I am sad today. And I am not sure why exactly. There is that too. People including myself...look for a reason. It could be a lack of the right chemicals. Or like having a virus or a seizure or any other bodily affliction. We have this societal notion that if we just think a certain way...we can cure our minds and bodies. I fear we have made this a cliche as well...to think ourselves to wellness. It just doesn't work that way. Sometimes the world and including our inner mental and physical being is...rather chaotic. We don't have all the control we think we should have. And life says, "tough noogies".

So I am just gonna feel this...knowing it will pass...yes i am truly "okay"...and I will report about the process. It is a risk to share oneself in a genuine sense. So many people...when they write...the armor is on. I can understand that. Some report about all the things that happen to them as they lie in wait...the helpless leaf in the wind. Others summarize life events with simplistic quotations one might put on the fridge. There is no substance...no real person to identify with. We all devise ways to keep others at bay...to protect ourselves from pain as well as growth.

Anyways...I have no armor on. I am exposed. And I am very real.

I am hoping this is okay.

This is me too...dark clouds and all.

a touch of sadness

i'm feeling a bit sad today. it has been awhile. and that break from melancholy is quite remarkable for me. i want to write about moods. they affect us all. multiple sclerosis seems to magnify moods.

depression is such a paplable entity. it is real. it is physical. you feel it manifest not just in your head but in your body. i feel it as a lack of energy. i wonder sometimes if the tiredness precedes the mood or vice versa. a human being is such a complex organism of systems all attempting to cohabitate in one body. it is more than impossible to unravel any one cause for changes in mood or mind state.

like i said, i want to talk about this sort of thing. it is important for people to know that different mind states, including depression, are just part of being human. we can't be happy all the time. why should that be the goal? the ability to accept the full range of emotion is a fundamental part of growth. we can't grow if we are always fighting what is. that energy could be better spent elsewhere.

pain, whether it be physical or emotional is an indicator that we need to pay attention. we need to become better attuned to our bodies, our minds, and our environment. pain is a message that we need to change. maybe it means we need to rest...or see a doctor...or talk to a friend. pain should not be dismissed as a mere hindrance to the status quo. pain reminds us that there is no status quo.

we are ever evolving creatures, fluid and dynamic. feeling less than desirable feelings, including sadness, is just all part of the process.