feeling a little lost

i feel a little lost lately.

as though i can't quite grasp my surroundings. i am being swallowed up by the internal and it is quite hazy in here. it is like i am seeing and feeling everything through gauze.

i am hoping my words may anchor me and give me something tangible...something external to connect me to the world.

rhythm....i need a beat to attend to...a life force vibration.

right now i just feel this dead stillness.

it will come...the kiss of awakening.

but for right now...all i am capable of is sleepwalking.

Dreaming of Chocolate Turtle Cheesecake...

Starting a brand new theme here all about FOOD...glorious FOOD!

Everyone loves food right?

Before I begin my food love fest I do want to say that yes I will be writing about synchronicity and spirituality...next. I promise.

Why the topic of food? Well lately I have been having all these tummy troubles and I have truly come to appreciate food. I am having to think about what I eat much more frequently than I used to and it is probably time for me to make some changes to my diet. Oh lordy say it isn't so!

But before I do I would like to at least daydream about certain comfort foods.

For the past week I have been having very detailed dreams about certain foods...such as chocolate turtle cheesecake! That was last night's dream. I was dreaming I was in a four story bakery and they were giving away prizes and I won...you guessed...a chocolate turtle cheesecake. Thing is...I don't even know what that is but IT SURE SOUNDS GOOD doesn't it? There used to be a restaurant I used to frequent long ago which made the best snickers cheesecake and I am sure this is what my mind was thinking.

No...not me...I'm not obsessed!

Soooo...anyhows...yes let's talk food.

What's yer favorites...lay it on me.

If you will excuse me now...I have to hold my gallbladder...

My new creation...

I wanted a separate blog to focus on writing and so I created this site.

I had another template and address but just changed it. I must say I am proud of it...I think it looks really good. I wanted a site where I would be inspired to write. I needed a home.

This shall be my little writing playground to wrangle with words. There is nothing there quite yet but a few links...still prettying it up. If your link is no longer here it is because you are a poet or writer and I have you listed there.

Just wanted to tell you all about it but don't feel pressured to visit...this new blog is more for me than anyone. I really want to get back to writing.

It always saddens me...

Seems like whenever I take a little blog break and then come back to visit folk...some people have already gone!

Like my friend dirk who has a closed sign up. At least his blog is still there.

And then I find that Shirl, our fellow blogger with MS and my friend, had totally gotten rid of her blog.

I am so sorry. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to them.

I have just begun to go down my links to visit so nobody else better be gone!

The Stream

i need to write.

where have i been? i dunno. just dealing with my life i guess. as much as we have our external adventures we also have internal ones as well.

my internal journey has been to...avoid...lately. to avoid...to distract myself...to become engrossed in nothingness. i don't want to have to think about my life...my future...the big picture.

i want to lie in the grass and pick dandelions. you know...like when you were a little kid. i want to smell grass and watch ants and feel the heat of the pavement under bare feet. i want a peanut butter and banana sandwich. i want someone to take me by the hand and take me home.

as old as one gets...there are some moments you feel like a child again with those same needs and wants.

perhaps we grow more complex as adults but the needs are usually the same.

we all need to feel safe, loved, cherished. we want to feel joy...to laugh...to feel the sunshine on our open mouthed faces. we want to feel free...to dance in puddles and blow our wishes to the wind. and if we fall or get scared or are just a little unsure...we want someone to hold us and tell us things will be okay.

little girl needs and adult worries

the two shall meet in me.

I am still alive...

sorry for being so out of it lately...just trying to deal with my health issues.

i shall definitely be by to visit you all very soon!

thank you all for stopping by to see me...i miss you all

My Gallbladder?

After almost two weeks of pain and intestinal torture I finally broke down and went to the damn doctor. And he said...much to my surprise...this could be a gallbladder problem! I guess my simple cyst and fibroids have nothing to do with this one.

Has anybody had any experience with gallbladder problems? Anybody have theirs taken out?

I have never thought about my gallbladder let alone know where it is! I should buy one of those diagrams of the human body and get some pins to stick into where I have my problems. I have a feeling that in a few years they will be everywhere.

I want to write about this in some detail because this information could help someone else going through this and wondering what in the hell is going on. But do go to your doctor. If you think there is something wrong...just go. I have learned my lesson there.

The thing that seemed mysterious about my ailment is that it was intermittent. And it would seem to come mostly at night...sometimes smack dab in the middle of the night. One night I was up for about five hours! But then it would go away and I was so ready to forget about it. The next evening it would come back with a vengeance. I kept telling myself I would call the doctor if it didn't go away in the morning. I thought that it should be consistent but gallbladder issues don't operate that way.

Here are my symptoms for anyone interested or experiencing similar issues:

*Intense pain in the abdomen followed by vomiting and nausea. This only lasted a day.

* Diarrhea accompanied by cramping and pain. This lasted for two days for me. This was followed by constipation.

* Pressure and pain on the right side under the breast bone. You feel tender and gassy and this is the pain which comes at night frequently. The pain sometimes radiates to the back and to the right shoulder. I also feel this when I eat fatty, fried, or spicy foods.

We are still at the initial stages of figuring this out but from what I have been reading...gallbladder issues seem to make the most sense. I have lost about five pounds in the process.

This certainly isn't an...ahem...elegant problem to have. Actually the descriptor of the person who has this issue is fair, female, forties, flatulent, and "FAT." Am not! LoL...gotta laugh about it...when I am not in pain.

Owwwww!

So how are you guys doing?

A Little Synchronicity

okay so...my blog title has the word "synchronicities" in it. i should devote just a little time talking about this topic huh?

when i really get into it i will have to take a deep breath and be prepared to stay awhile...there is a lot to say.

but for now i will give you just an appetizer.

what is a synchronicity exactly?

well...for me the word means: a meaningful coincidence. and of course this presents a conundrum because one doesn't normally associate meaning with coincidence. but i do. i have lived some years now and i am much more open to the possibility that seemingly random happenings have some purpose and meaning to our lives. i think the trick is to allow yourself to find meaning where you can find it.

i am not a religious person...meaning...i don't go to church much or to any religious meeting ground. i don't read the bible. i am not well versed in any doctrine. i am mostly ignorant of any religious practices or dogma but i have had my experiences ...like anyone else. although i am not committed to any one religion, i do enjoy reading about spirituality. i do enjoy listening to people talk about what they believe and what matters to them.

one of my good friends is a devout Catholic. she got me turned on to reading about the saints. i read the Autobiography of a Soul...the story of little saint therese of Liseux and i found such comfort in her life and words.

one evening i was sitting here at my computer, completely cheerless. it had been a really difficult day with my son who has autism. and i was in need of something uplifting. so i was searching. and i did find an article written about saint therese.

i was reading along when my eyes halted when i found this passage:

"If Thérèse has a message for us today, it is to offer us encouragement in our own dark times when it seems all that we see is the worst in ourselves and in our society. The Harvard psychologist, Charles Verge, speaks of the difference between Cure and Healing. He points out:

Cure seeks change at the level of the problem. Healing is a change of perception which can only happen from the depth of the divine self and it comes as gift, as grace. It is not necessarily a change in the circumstance (the problem) Rather, healing requires a change in focus away from a view that demands changing of the circumstance or that the circumstance be removed. Healing requires a change in perspective that embraces the circumstance from another inner source.

Thérèse did just that. She could not change the dynamics of life with erratic Mother de Gonzague nor could she do away with what today we might call, her own wounded child. She changes what she can through her instructions to her novices and her letters of encouragement to her blood sisters in community, she befriends what she can not change, including her personal limitations. It all becomes the stuff of her relationship with God grounding her in daring trust.15 Thérèse teaches us not to be overcome by difficult, unchangeable life circumstances, such as the need to care for an aging parent, an ill spouse, or an autistic child.. We too can pray to see life and other people through the eyes of God. Our own limitations and those of others need not have the last word. Something deeper invites us forward."

the author is basically talking about accepting what you cannot change.

of course anyone could have stumbled upon that particular passage such as someone with an ill spouse or aging parent and had the same synchronicity is knocking at the door moment. but...it just seemed to me...that just when i was looking for something...something spiritual to heal me...it was right there and very personal.

it was as though God was sending this personal message to me at just right time when i needed to hear it.

i don't know what provoked me to read about saint therese that night. but i did. and i found words which were meaningful to me. coincidence? absolutely. but meaningful? yes...that too!

and there it is...in such a simple example... of that ability to be open to tools and messages which can help you through challenging times. this is the true meaning of synchronicity to me.

ahhh but this...is just a mere appetizer of synchronicity. there is so much more and i am almost afraid to spill the beans because if i look at it too closely i just might run. it is some powerful stuff for sure.

more on this topic in the days to come...

song in my head

woke up to having this song in my head. i have always loved how crazy he looks in this...with his wide eyed animal stare.

Live-I alone

it's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains
I sank into Eden with you
alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes
you'll need them, your boat is at sea
your anchor is up, you've been swept away
and the greatest of teachers won't hesitate
to leave you there, by yourself, chained to fate

I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
fear is not the end of this!

it's easier not to be great
and measure these things by your eyes
we long to be here by his resolve
alone in the church by and by
to cradle the baby in space
and leave you there by yourself chained to fate

oh, now, we took it back too far,
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn
all come runnin' back to you,
all these rhythms that you hide
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn yeah, yeah, yeah

conceptualizing illness

I have been thinking about illness lately, I suppose because I have been feeling sick so often.

In between sleep and wakefulness I had this image of the human body as a land of tiny villages. When there is peace in the land, the villages all get along and things run smoothly. There is a soothing rhythm to the villagers work to keep me alive and well.

When illness comes,tranquility is deposed and chaos and confusion reign. Invaders, both external and internal, come to disrupt the precise twenty-four hour a day work of these tiny villages. And when one village is consumed by turmoil, it affects the nearby villages as well.

I envision raging fires, pillaging of resources, and the greatest battle of all for growth or ultimate destruction.

Who wins?

Invisible battles are waged and won or lost, mostly unbeknownst to our faroway sensibilities. If only we could see inside ourselves, into our very cells, to sound the alarms of war....to prepare for battle. Instead we are quite often surprised to know the end results of these internal crusades. The shock slowly registers that we are...unwell.

This land of flesh and blood is as unknown to us as a distant galaxy.

Spring has Sprung

Do you feel Springy?

I feel pretty much the opposite of springy but by golly I am going to whack myself upside the head and feel good about something. Spring is a good thing to start off with.

Autumn is my favorite season but Spring has its merits. Spring smells fresh...sweet...and cleansing. This is the time for re-birth of spirit and soul.

I desperately need a clean slate. There is the spring cleaning of home...but there is also spring cleaning of the mind.

I wish the wind would come and whoosh away all the worries and fears and leave me with gentle peace.

Whoosh!

Didn't really work but at least I can imagine it.

So what is your favorite thing about Spring?

not a virus

I don't have a virus. I knew I didn't have a virus.

I was vomiting yesterday because I was in such extreme pain in my abdomen. I guess I didn't communicate that well to the doctor's office to get the response from the nurse on the phone of..."Oh yeah...there is a virus going around making people vomit. You will have diarreah next."

Me: "But I have been bleeding and nobody else here has a virus. I have no other symptoms of a virus."

I suppose I am being deemed as the hysterical woman who doesn't know what she has.

"Drink lots of fluids."

Me: "Are you sure none of this could be related to fibroids or my ovarian cyst?"

Nurse: "I get cysts every month and no they don't do this. Are you worried about your cyst honey? Maybe you could talk to the doctor about it."

So later the doctor calls to tell me that I have a virus.

Remembering the stories of some of my female friends and their gynecological adventures...it is not unheard of to be very sick before the onset of a bad period. Some women vomit...some even pass out.

This is just what a lot of women deal with on an on-going basis.

Women get used to having their physical problems dismissed by medical professionals and so they begin to dismiss them as well. Many women suffer needlessly because their symptoms are either attributed to unrelated causes or told that they are normal for the diagnosis and just to live with it.

I have had friends who were so anemic from blood loss that they were on the verge of collapse, but were told that this was normal for having uterine fibroids. I will not allow this to happen to me.

Lessons learned thus far:

1. Doctors don't know everything. You present symptoms. They diagnose ( make a best guess at what is wrong). It seems to me from my experience that doctors seldom go beyond stating the diagnosis such as "You have MS" or "You have fibroids" to tell you what the diagnosis means in everyday language. They do not tell you what to expect.

2. I knew what was wrong with me in almost every situation requiring a doctor's tests to confirm what I already knew. How did I know? See # 3 and #4.

3. Thank God for the Internet. As much as folks are warned to staying away from it for researching medical problems, it has been one of my greatest resources of information.

4. Talking to people who have had similar symptoms almost always yields the answer in the end.

5. There has to be some balance between what your intuition tells you, listening to other's stories, researching, expert opinion and diagnosis, and the science of testing procedures.

6. As far as your own health care, YOU are your own best advocate.

Yes you have to be careful to weed out irrelevant information. Yes you have to use common sense. Yes you have to have some trust in the medical community. But mostly you have to trust yourself to know when something just ain't right.

And my gut is screaming at me right now.

what else is gonna happen?

had a really good day yesterday...i was feeling good mentally and physically. i felt so happy and so grateful.

but today i felt like the rug was pulled from under me.

today i was puking my guts out. i had such pain in my stomach...i don't know where it came from. it literally seemed to come from the blue. had one croissant and one cup of orange juice and the pain was like immediate.

then later...i am bleeding again after having been spotting for four days and then one day with no bleeding. i don't know if this is my period or what. it isn't due.

i called the doctor who dismissed my violent puking as a virus. could be but nobody else in my family has this and...the last time i had such a thing was when my now adolescent boys were babies. i don't this is a virus. i have no other symptoms of a virus.

can fibroids and one regular ovarian cyst do all of this? is this normal?

feeling better in my stomach....just bleeding.

i am just so tired of all this. i am praying for a normal day tomorrow.