Moods R Us

First of all...

Thank you for anyone who still comes here to read me. I am most...undeserving.

I should write something. Something old or something new? Or something blue?

Maybe something about mood since I have been in one recently and kinda still am.

Shall I attempt to describe it? Would that be helpful?

It feels like waking up with an anvil in my chest. The weight of it is crushing but yet I am expected to move about my day. All of the stupid little things that you take for granted doing now seem insurmountable. Everything requires much more energy than you can muster. The world seems a grey and inhospitable place. Inertia and apathy take hold and all of a sudden you run the risk of becoming like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations. If you have forgotten the image, wikipedia comes to the rescue to illustrate her character: "...a long life away from the sunlight has in itself aged her, and she is said to look like a cross between a waxwork and a skeleton, with moving eyes."

It truly is a terrible beast, this depression. It is tenacious, taking hold and rooting itself for the long haul. It is biological and neurological and medically based yet the mythology still persists that this creature can simply be willed away. So there is shame here. There is shame to say that one is not doing well and cannot get it together. The guilt and shame make it worse. You are already sad and then compound that with the feeling bad about feeling sad and soon you create an endless cycle of despair.

So what helps?

Humor helps me a lot. Dark humor is some of the best medicine for depression. Depression, however painful, can also be comedic. So much of humor and comedy is rooted in overcoming pain.

Acceptance is essential. Finding someone who accepts you as you are, who is not trying to fix you or guilt you or run from you is a good friend indeed. One of the best things said to me when I am in such a state is, "It is okay to feel sad." This gives such a relief not to have to be something or feel something I am not at the moment. One does not need a fair weather or foul weather friend. An ALL weather friend is the true friend.

Distraction helps. I like it when people take the focus off of my depression and they talk about themselves and their day and what they do. Not to the point of insensitivy but as a way to direct my mind to other things.

To be reminded of my successes and abilities to cope also helps. I have a friend who tells me matter of factly, "You have been here before. You will begin to feel better soon." In a state of depression one forgets how the cycle works. The sadness usually does diminish over time. I do have the capability to feel good again, just maybe not now.

Rituals and schedules can aid the process of recovering from a depression. Having someone remind you to get up and do things is so helpful. To be told to complete a simple task such as writing the word "hello" as an email is a baby step towards connection and is do-able.

To be told that it is okay to be silent for awhile and that the friend will remain through that silence...is precious indeed.

This was difficult to write. But I am proud that I did and I hope it helps someone. It helped me to write it. For those who have reached out to me...again...I don't know how to thank you. I am definitely getting there. And like that old Beatle's song says:

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Depressionz I haz it

"Merely Me! Please s'plain yoself! Why you no write in yerz blog for long time?"

I just know this is the question poised on everybody's lips. That and...where is the toilet paper?

The most simple explanation is that I had been abducted by evil circus clowns.

Okay then seriously...I suppose...well...perhaps...maybe...possibly...I was just a little depressed. Now do not alert the media. And do not bring me cherry kool-aid laced with Prozac. And do not send me bootstraps nor lectures about bootstraps and boots unless they are very cute with high heels. And do not send me rainbows or leprecauns. Do not read me the newspaper of all the tragedies in the guise of forcing me to take delight in other's sorrows as some do. Do not philosophize, advise, or counsel. Do not attempt to save me from my own feelings.

Merely...walk with me. Be my friend. Share a laugh. And allow me to be human.

Because...I fear that is what I am...human.

A New Kind of "Bucket" List

There is a movie out with Jack Nicholson Morgan Freeman about creating a "bucket list" of all the things they wanted to do before kicking the bucket. Okay this post will not be about that just so you know.

Instead, I want to talk about a different type of bucket list.

I got this idea from a little business book I picked up at the library. It is entitled, How Full is Your Bucket: Positive Strategies for Work and Life by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton. I am not sure why I pick up these types of books as I am not in business. I also read the infamous, Who Moved my Cheese book. Maybe it is the big print and the instruction manual type of advice they provide. I read the bucket book a couple of years ago but if I remember it right, the book was all about filling up your life with positive things. There are many people or things in your life which will drain your bucket but it is up to you to fill it.

I adapted their business model for my own personal life and began visualizing my life as a bunch of buckets. I know...it sounds silly but bear with me. There is merit to this visualization.

Take all the elements of your life which are important to you. They could include such things as:

* Family
* Work
* Friends
* Hobbies
* Blogging
* School
* Music
* Home maintenance
* Making new friends

and etc.

Whatever is really important to you in your life...people and/or activities will be your unique set of buckets.

Now is the time for self reflection and analysis. How much time and energy do you put into each bucket? Look at the reality of your life and determine if things are off balance. Are you spending too much time at work and not enough at home? Are you spending too much time dealing with one family member and neglecting everyone else? Are you spending too much time on the computer and neglecting other hobbies and interests?

How do you want things to be?

So what I do for myself from time to time is I get a little notebook and I designate a page or two for each important element of my life. Then I divide the page in half and I have two labels. One side is for listing what I am already doing to fill up that bucket. The other side is for ideas of what I want to do in the future.

For example I have a page or bucket if you will for my physical health. I want to be as physically healthy as possible. So on the side of what I am already doing I write things like...I am exercising at least three times a week. I am taking a multi-vitamin and so on. On the other side of what I would like to do in the future, I have things written down like...I would like to try yoga and I would like to investigate taking other supplements such as fish oil capsules.

It is a way to visualize your life and to see in a factual way, how you are actually going about to achieve balance and meet your goals.

This is a way for me to think preventively so that I can combat my depressive times. It is a way for me to take control and work on the things I can do. Even completing one task in any of the buckets is a good step in the right direction. Also seeing what you have already done and are doing, makes you feel more successful and like going on because you aren't dwelling on all that you can't do.

I hope this idea is helpful. I will keep the ideas coming...I have many!

So many moods...so little time

After having survived my lastest moodfest, I feel inspired to write about moods in general and of course, depression. I feel like an expert as I have been struggling with my many moods for as long as I can remember. There are many people like myself who are in constant flux, riding the endless waves of sometimes overwhelming emotion.

Add a chronic medical illness to a mood disorder and...well...it can be a rough ride.

I want to talk about this particular topic, in depth, and provide my own personal experience and research into the vast depths of human emotion. Feelings, emotions, and moods are what make us human. Whether our feelings lead us to euphoria or the deepest despair, our vulnerable spirit somehow survives.

I welcome you on this journey into the ever changing landscape of human emotion. Buckle your seatbelts, this should prove to be a very bumpy ride.

The Dichotomy of Me

I have a special empathy for anyone who is my friend. I am not an easy person to figure out. Hell, I have known myself for 43 years now and I still can't figure me out.

One thing for certain about me is that my emotional landscape is vast. When I feel things I feel them deeply and I tend to vacillate between extremes. While I have never been diagnosed with anything but suffering from a garden variety depression, I feel much akin to those who ride the roller coaster of bipolar disorder. I have my highs and lows but perhaps not as extreme as some. But I can say that these fluctuations in mood have definitely had an impact on my survival and day to day functioning and also upon interpersonal relationships.

There are times when I feel on top of the world and I can do no wrong. I feel exuberant. I am the life of the party. I schedule tons of activities and seek connection with people. My energy is boundless as I tackle huge projects. My libido is through the roof and I ooze sexuality. My thoughts are endless streams of creativity. When I speak I can't get the words out fast enough, my tongue seems in the way. I am external and searching. Happiness is just right around the corner, so easily found.

Then inevitably the crash comes. What was once light is now dim. The ease of doing things, even the simplest of tasks is replaced by a heaviness which slows me down to virtual stillness. It is like walking through quicksand. My mind plays tricks on me. I feel like a protruding nerve for all to prod. I feel inside out with my guts exposed. I want to run. I want to hide. Connection seems too difficult and I do my best to hide my vulnerability. The internal grey invades and leaves me empty. Tears won't take this away. I sink into the bottomless bit unsure if I will ever get out again. Hope is gone from this place. The only refuge is internal and this is where I hide.

So someone viewing this transformation from the outside looking in, must be puzzled, frustrated, and helpless. I think it would be easy to assume blame. I can assure you that it is nobody's fault. It isn't caused by an ill spoken word or by not trying hard enough or even negligence. I simply vacillate between my two worlds but I am always me. Sometimes I am internal and sometimes I am external. Sometimes I am brazen, opinionated, and confident. Other times I am sullen, withdrawn, and melancholic. Sometimes I cling and sometimes I push away. Sometimes I enjoy being immersed in crowds and other times I wish to be a hermit. Sometimes I need protection and other times you may need protection from me. I am maternal. I am a little girl. I am me.

But know this about me...the yin and yang of me needs love no matter what state I am in. And likewise...dichotomous me is capable of loving despite any mood. The expression just may be a little different at times. I am always here. Knock at my door, I may not always answer but please don't stop knocking. You know in time, I will open the door and let you in.

Thank you to all my friends who put up with me.