i write to myself

when i write here...i am writing to myself. especially when i am like this. i am just trying to process and sort things out. i am trying to heal and do better.

i write to myself...i write to myself...i write to myself...i write to myself...

this is me writing to myself...to the void in me...the black hole....to the me who is disspearing...

this is depression up close and personal.

and yes i'll get over it. yes i got a hold of my bootstraps. yes i will be a responsible citizen.

perhaps tomorrow.

i guess...

i am not doing so well today. but i have hope for tomorrow. i will do better tomorrow.

on my way back...

okay...i am actually feeling good enough to write. yesterday i couldn't even imagine it. this rollercoaster ride is quite a trip.

the conclusion i come to about moods is...how very biological in origin they are. so that is part of the picture. certainly other things come into play. yet i wonder how the world can look so very different from one day to the next.

it is like the depression rips open a black hole where you can see all these things you wish you didn't. and then as it dissipates...the hole closes up and the blinders go on and...all those bad things go swirling into deep dark space. you know they are there but you can no longer see them...they seem so far away.

i like to do repetetive things when i am so depressed. sometimes cleaning helps if i have the energy. i didn't this time. and sometimes just re-directing the brain to absorb anything else helps. this time i found solace in doing word searches. it was painful really. my brain didn't want to work. didn't want to re-focus. but i bent it into shape by finding stupid letters making up words...like a computer...filling up the evil space with something meaningless. i found an emotional void.

and this is utterly silly but i also found solace in watching an old sitcom i love...will and grace. i had gotten an asked for DVD collection of their first season and...i just began watching them back to back. i found myself laughing despite myself. just something else to distract me from pain and bad thoughts.

sometimes talking and writing helps but sometimes all that does for me is it wears a stronger groove into my depression...it deepens it. and i can't believe i am saying this. i do believe in talking about what ails you. and denial is bad and so on. yet...there is something to be said for re-direction and distraction. the problems will all still be there. but who says you have to solve everything in one day. and isn't it better to tackle those problems when you feel better mentally? in the meantime...rest...give yourself comfort...do things to get out of your mind (safe and good things).

and too...during those bad times...i am a quite the bitch. yes true. depression doesn't always manifest in weepy wails. sometimes it makes one...well...nasty. duct tape would be a good device for me on some days. i feel much better hiding that part of me away...protecting others who may innocently get in my way. no depression ain't pretty. this ain't no party...this ain't no disco...this ain't fooling around. :>)

i think i am better at this than i used to be. i remember my college and grad school days where my moods would cause me much hardship because i lacked the insight to predict them. okay i still cannot predict my moods...but i do have more...foresight now? back when i was in school i remember having so much energy on some days...weeks...where i could do no wrong! i switched schools on a dime...i changed my major...taking all sorts of classes i had no business attempting. one minute i was a psychology major and then next...i was in nursing. (ended up switching back) i would do things like...if there was a group project and the others in my group complained about not having the time to do their share...why...i was right there to say..."sure i will do all your work for you...not to worry!" i once did a group project that was supposed to be done by five people...solo. i would...not study...pull all nighters...and get away with it all. and then my mood would change. i would sink. and then i wondered how in the hell i would survive doing any part of what i was once doing with such ease.

i laugh now because i still do this to some extent although i do now exercise caution when i am feeling more well. just because i think i can do it all one day doesn't mean i can nor can i sustain that high energy. i should not sign up for all the classes, volunteering, social stuff that i feel i can do when feeling well because when i sink...i know i won't be able to do squat. i have to think do-able...moderate...to match all my many moods.

anyways...i am back to babble. i am feeling better...not totally there but definitely better and having the energy to express myself here.

i sure hope you all are doing well and i will be by to visit you soon.

and yes we shall get back to our love theme.

more to come!
merelyme

a note to myself

I only want to associate with people who are truly good for my mental health. Some people are good and nurturing for your mental health and some people make you crazy and distract you from your path. My good mental health is worth protecting.

on the precipice

i am feeling my mood plummet and i promised myself when this happens to say something. even if it is here and indirect. not to cause attention but just so nobody thinks i am ignoring them if i grow quiet. that seems reasonable and responsible right?

logic and depression...do they mix? i hope so.

who knows...maybe i will wake up and the mood will be gone. poof. it can happen.

but in the meantime...i need to soothe myself by being still and quiet. there are some days i just can't stand my own words. this is one of them.

i promise to get myself together and visit you all on your blogs very soon.

more to come...soon.

Question for the day

What sorts of things make you feel loved?

who remembers this song?

anybody remember The Breeders? i was excited when i first heard them but they just dissapeared from the music scene after Last Splash released in 1993. I hear rumors that they are coming up with a new album come April of this year called Mountain Battles.

so come on...you remember them right? please don't tell me you were listening to old tapes of journey, air supply...abba...genesis...michael bolten...noooooooo! say it isn't so! well who am i to talk...i fully admit to liking disco music. i'm very eclectic but i also have my standards.

song i woke up to in my head...

every morning i wake up with a song in my head.

how about a classic? i present to you...alice in chains...man in the box.

Loving Yo'self: Part One

In our quest for LOVE sometimes the person most overlooked is ourselves. I am going to be talking about self-love here in a multi-layered way. There is a lot to cover so let's begin.

The first element of self-love I wish to discuss is taking care of ourselves emotionally.

How can we show love for our emotional selves?

For those of us who have mood disorders, this is a big deal. For me there exists a bad feedback loop when I get caught up in depression. The depression itself causes you to not take care of yourself and to resign yourself to doing things which are not so mentally healthy. And these actions or sometimes lack of actions for doing mentally healthy things...causes the depression to linger even more.

So what sorts of things can one do to promote good mental health for themselves?

I can tell you the things I do or try to do and I would LOVE to see your lists as well.

Remember that your mental health is key to doing virtually anything else. All those goals and New Year's resolutions you have made won't mean diddly squat if you don't have any emotional energy to spare to begin working on them. And if you have health problems, being in a bad way emotionally is only going to hinder your feeling good physically or doing things to help your physical health.

So I believe the most important way to love yourself is to protect your mental health.

Here is my list for ways I wish to attempt to do just that.

1. There is only so much time and energy in the world. Spend your time with people who give you energy and don't drain you. And I realize this is sometimes not possible. Family members, bosses, co-workers, friends....can be totally demanding and impossible. But you gotta balance that out with being with folk who do sustain you.

I know from my life...I had spent so much time trying to please toxic people (those who drain you emotionally) as well as hours in costly therapy which I could have spent meeting new friends or being with people who I really want to be with!

Sometimes you gotta be with folk who are negative or potentially emotionally draining but we don't need to fork over our lives to them. Minimize these people in terms of what we give of our priceless energy.

2. Again...there is only so much time and energy...so pursue activities which give you joy and meaning. You are not superwoman or superman. A life well lived is not some super busy life filled with endless activities and chores to fill up time. What do you really want to devote time to doing? Start with five minutes and work upwards.

3. Be okay with empty space. It is always my tendency to fill up the void with stuff...actitivities...pursuits which...aren't always mentally healthy for me! We see empty space or time and our first instinct is to fill it up. It is okay to just chill. It is okay to have bare space in the closet. It is okay to not have constant feedback. It is okay to not have a plan for the day. Relax and enjoy the empty spaces.

4. Look at your life in a different way. Look for the meaning...the purpose as sometimes this is the only thing which will sustain you. I call it "the path" for me. I don't even know exactly what it means yet but I feel it. I feel that I am being led or called to give certain gifts. And it won't be easy. But this is what it is about really. You have this body...these gifts and talents...this mind....this spirit...this life full of experiences...so give it...share it. Even if you are not finding anything worthy in your life right now...someone else will. So put it out there and that act of sharing will help you see things in a different light.

5. Be simple. You don't need a bunch of stuff...money...attention....friends...achievements...to feel good. Let all the extra stuff go. Clean our your closets....physically and emotionally. Weed out the clutter of unhealthy relationships, stuff, activities, goals. Get rid of it. Be able to let go. Go bare bones. And then add things you really DO want.

I sound like a damn pop psychology book today. LOL I don't mean to. Just trying to process all this stuff for myself. It really does help for me to write these lists...put the thoughts to paper...commit to the idea of change...slow but sure.

This is just the tip of the iceberg...got lots more ideas to share.

Okay so what is on your list? What things, ideas, philosophies help you to be more mentally healthy?

Things we love...

Still going strong on the LOVE theme here and I think it is time for a little list. I am gonna make a list of ten things I love and you tell me if you love, like, hate, or are neutral about my items of choice.

Bonus points to those who share their list of things they love.

1. Bach and his music...love, hate, neutral?




















2. The color red...love, hate, neutral?




















3. Zingers! Love 'em...hate 'em....don't know what they are?


















4. Walt Disney World. Love, hate, neutral?




5. Penguins! Love? Hate? Like? Don't care?















6. Hillary Clinton...love her? Loathe her? Will tolerate her?














7. Karaoke...love? hate? indifferent?














8. The Reuben Sandwich...love, hate...never had one? Indifferent?











9. Godzilla! Love? Hate? Too young to know about Godzilla?








10. Cats! Love them? Dislike them? Allergic to them? Indifferent?

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program...

FOR THIS! Take note. Losing all my marbles. There they go. Beyond stressed. Oh most definitely...I want to be sedated. We will resume our love celebration after this brief meltdown on my part.

For this only the Ramones will do...

My First Love

Do you remember your first love? I do. We are talking about love here on my blog and I thought we could start with our stories about loving our four legged friends. And here is my contribution for you...my dear readers.

------------------------------------------------------------

Most people, if you ask them, will remember their first love. I remember mine very clearly. In order to show you these images which are now decades old, we will have to go back in time.

We are going in my time machine to the mid 1970’s to my childhood. My mother and I are living on "Success Street" in a row house among all the other row houses. We are poor like all the other poor folk who live on Success Street. I am ten years old and sitting by the stereo we had, an RCA stereo with record player and 8 track player. My mother is playing a record. She had quite a collection including Dean Martin, Patsy Kline, and The Carpenters. She also liked trumpet players because my deceased father had played the trumpet. My mother had records like Herb Allpert and the Tijuana Brass Band with the infamous Baby Elephant Walk. My mother liked to do a trumpet impression with just her hands and mouth. We spent a lot of time listening to music, dancing, singing, and making trumpets out of our hands. We did have a grand time of it. We couldn't afford to go to restaurants or movies so we take it upon ourselves to amuse and entertain ourselves the best way we knew how.

I was starting to develop my own tastes in music. I remember watching the show, Sonny and Cher, back then. I wanted to be just like Cher. I didn't want my blonde hair anymore. I wanted long shiny black hair like Cher. The very first record album I bought with my own money was by Sonny and Cher. My favorite song was the song they sang during the opening of their show, “I Got You Babe.” I would play that record over and over, sitting there in front of my stereo, shaping my hands like a microphone. I would try to swing my hair around like Cher did for stage presence. And whenever I would play my music and sing, my first love was there with me.

My first love was of the four footed furry species. My father had gotten Princie for me shortly before my fourth birthday, after which my father passed away.

Princie was a mutt, a blend of German Shepard and Collie. He looked every bit the part of a scrawny mongrel but I didn’t care. He was mine and I loved him.
Princie would lie there on the floor next to me and seemed to more than tolerate my Cher impersonations. I would pet his coarse sandy hair and he would heave out sighs that sounded like he was talking to me. He was always there for me and was an integral part of my childhood.

I adored Princie. He was my friend, sometimes my only friend back then.

Of course there comes a day when all things come to an end. And it always takes you by surprise, knocking the wind right out of you. One day Princie wasn't able to get off the floor. All he could do was lie there. I felt sick to my stomach knowing that something was hurting him. He would lift his head up to look at me imploringly. I asked my mother what was going on and she did look worried. When he wouldn't get up all day and wasn't eating or drinking then we decided to get him to the vet.

The only problem was that we didn't have much money and also no real way to get him to the vet. We had no car. We were living in the inner city so my mother called a cab. As we sat waiting for the cab, I knelt down with Princie and looked him in the eyes, held his head and sang him a lullaby as any good mother would do.
The only real one I knew was that Irish one:
"Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, too-ra-loo-ra-li, too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now don't you cry! too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, too-ra-loo-ra-li, too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby."
I just kept singing it over and over as I stroked Princie's head. I *knew* that something was very wrong as I held back tears.

When we finally got to the vet it was already pretty much too late for him. There were things that could have been done to stall death but it was inevitable that it was his time to die. I asked to sing the lullaby one more time to him. While alone with my dog, I cradled his head and sang. I told him I was sorry for leaving him. Lastly I told him I loved him and then I released my hold. I would walk away with his eyes forever imprinted in my memory. Princie was the one living link I had to my father. Now both were gone.

My mother and I took a bus back home. I remember it being very bright and sunny that day. I was so angry that it was a beautiful day. I wanted it to be grey. I wanted everyone to feel as I did. I didn't cry though, not on the bus, and not outside my house. Some of the neighborhood kids gathered around to ask about my dog. In kid fashion, some of them were unknowingly cruel. "Is your dog dead?" one of them asked.

We went into the house. I touched the spot where Princie had last laid down and I sang the lullaby to myself while petting the carpet.

It was not until then that I did cry.

I had lost my best friend and my first love.

The Perfect Bed

Since we are having our very special "bed-in" love-in...celebration...I was wondering about what sort of bed y'all like the best. Look these over and tell me which one you like the most and why. This should be very interesting indeed.

Bed Number One: The red circular bed.

Bed Number Two: The hammock bed.

Bed Number Three: The rustic bed

Bed Number Four: The Scarlet O'Hara Bed

Bed Number Five: Bed in a hut on some remote island

Bed Number Six: Cozy bed and breakfast Bed

My love offering to you this morning...

is...a little video i found. yes! it is the music from that diamond commercial. i had never heard the song in its entirety so here it is for your viewing pleasure.

The name of the song is 'Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop,' by Landon Pigg

Here is a link about the song and how it was used in the commercial: http://www.spinner.com/2008/01/15/whats-that-song-in-the-debeers-diamond-commercial/

Love makes for Strange Bedfellows

Remember when John Lennon and Yoko Ono had their "bed-in" for peace? Well actually I don't remember it so well. Not sure how old I was then. But I digress...

I would like to invite all of you for a virtual bed-in to celebrate love. No I don't mean wild monkey sex kinda love (okay if you insist we can talk about that too)but rather all the many varieties of love. I got the idea today from visiting Broede's Broodings where Jim has been talking about love pretty much non-stop. If you haven't read his blog yet...please do...you cannot read his story and walk away unchanged. Anyway...this is a man who has devoted his life and now his thoughts and writing to...love.

I propose that I will change the theme of my blog just for several weeks or so...up through Valentine's Day in order to give LOVE its dues. I am gonna acquire selective amnesia for this time...forget about Mulitple Sclerosis....my woes...my troubles...and focus on the topic of love's many variations and transforming powers. And I don't wish to limit LOVE in any way. I want to discuss love of ourselves, love for animals, love for country, love for our parents, love of friends, etc and so forth.

So okay! Let us begin by getting ourselves all cozy in bed. Get your favorite PJs or whatever else you um...wear and get into bed with me! Come on...don't be shy...this is all in the name of love.

This shall be our first offical blogger Bed-In for LOVE.

Whimsy! Come on...let's go...time's a wasting...climb in.

+PHc you too hurry hurry and bring your kitty and that fabulous cake you have.

foamy dear...why yes...you may bring your foam pets and your foam plants and your mismatched gloves.

Dirk dearest...yes do bring felicia and the baby...and no...we won't invite Obama....I promise. Dirk! What have you been eating? You could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon! Now keep that to yourself!

James! let us hurry dear...get in bed...and sure I suppose you can bring your pet moth...I hope it doesn't eat my sweater.

OOOH JIM! I know you would love to bring the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots here to bed with us but there simply is not enough room. You will just have to make do with watching them on tv. Here is your remote. Remember to share.

My dear friend Shirl...welcome! I don't think anyone would mind sharing the bed with Lola and your crafting supplies. You might have to fight Jim for the remote so you can watch QVC though...he likes his sports.

Lisa! We must hurry! Yes of course...I promise Big Pharma is NOT invited into bed with us no way no how!

Where's Bubbie? we need bubbie! She has all the cakes, pies, and cookies we will ever need! We love Martha and we love you bubbie.

Mark darling...there is always room for you. No...sorry...you can't bring Hilary's picture for darts practice. The kissing lesbians? We might have to take a vote on that...let's just get you settled here. There you go.

Jafabrit...all righty...i suppose there is room for all your art supplies...and paints...just ask before you start painting bare flesh....oh yes...the bug sculpture...as long as it is not a live bug but i am thinking this will be okay.

EVERYBODY ELSE....COME ON! Time is a wasting...there is only so much time for us on this planet and now is the time to celebrate love.

To all my friends, comrades, and fellow bloggers....I LOVE YOU!

And this...is a fine start doncha think? :>)

old farts

"By 2015, those aged 50 and older will represent 45% of the U.S. population" (AARP).

Guess who will be exactly 50 by then?

How many of you will be 50 or older by the year 2015?

"My shit's fucked up"

A friend of mine in synchronicity and in MS...sent me a song just the other day. There is something darkly humorous about it. It comes for us all. Sooner or later...your "shit is fucked up." Time is the great equalizer for us all as we age into...being broken.

Thanks teapot man...this one's for you.



(Warren Zevon)

Well, I went to the doctor
I said, "I'm feeling kind of rough"
He said, "I'll break it to you, son [Warren sings, "Let me break it to you, son"]
Your shit's fucked up."
I said, "my shit's fucked up?"
Well, I don't see how-"
He said, "The shit that used to work-
It won't work now."

I had a dream
Ah, shucks, oh, well
Now it's all fucked up
It's shot to hell

Yeah, yeah, my shit's fucked up
It has to happen to the best of us
The rich folks suffer like the rest of us
It'll happen to you

That amazing grace
Sort of passed you by
You wake up every day
And you start to cry
Yeah, you want to die
But you just can't quit
Let me break it on down:
It's the fucked up shit

For any bibliophiles

For my Odds & Ends feature today I present you with two links.

I don't know about you but I love books. My goodness I have soooo many books. And when moving time comes...believe you me I know I have books.

Found these two cool links in a magazine I was reading recently.

Let's see here...the first one is a site where you can connect with others through your virtual bookshelf display. I went to the site...haven't signed up yet but it says that you can show your bookshelf on your blog somehow. It sounds cool to me. Anyhow...here is the link for Shelfari.

The second link I want to give you is for renting paperbacks and audio books. It is like the netflix of books they say. It seems you pay a monthly fee and then you can get the books or audio books on CD through the mail. They send you a pre-paid envelope to send your stuff back with no late fees. I suppose one advantage is that you can save space in your house without having to store books long term but...hello there is this place in most communities called the LIBRARY. But nonetheless it may be worth looking into for the most recent paperback selections.

The site is called Books Free.

Enjoy!

Coming out from hiding...

I find myself in need of talking. And somehow I find this more do-able for me to express some things here...things I have trouble expressing personally face to face or in letters. I just find this "public anonymity" easier on me. I am hiding. Forgive me. But this is for me.

I am feeling a bit troubled lately...things are brewing inside and taking shape. I feel as though I am standing back to watch the process. There are emotions to deal with but I want to isolate them and place them into vials with my gloves on. I do not want to touch them yet.

Went out with a friend a couple of weekends ago. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was doing pretty good. I wasn't about to get into the details of my new illness. As with most folk, when I say I have MS, the other person will invariably say something about knowing someone else with MS or seeing someone and having that "aha" moment of recognition. My friend began telling me of a woman in the neighborhood who has MS and how this woman is walking around with a cane. My friend added that this woman seemed to be "too into it" though. My friend felt this individual was putting on more than was real. I didn't probe. I didn't want to. Was it the cane? Was it because the woman maybe asked for help? Were my friend's perceptions because this person's disability was more visible?

At any rate the conversation went on but my thoughts stalled for a bit. I had to put that bit of dialogue away because I didn't know what it meant.

The thing about me is that I hide. I definitely hide my depression. I have tried to hide that for years. I have fought so hard to not be my mother...the mother who would lie in bed, sometimes seemingly semi-conscious for days on end. I don't blame her. I forgive her. She had/has far more impairments than I, but my god I don't ever want to be her. And I feel guilty for saying it but it is true.

Ask anyone who suffers from (guess i have to include this descriptor of clinical here) depression, what hell a normal day can be. I have had days in the past of working full time and then going to grad school and holding back...holding in...for twelve or more hours in the day until I could go home and cry or scream in the shower. I remember writing a paper in grad school which was due....and I was in a bad way...the papers were strewn around me in a semi-circle and I was crying so hard I was almost vomiting. But I didn't stop doing. This was no heroic thing...believe me...it was just me trying to survive anyway that I could. Sometimes that means being a robot and proceeding with tasks you have no energy to do.

But when most people were/are around, I can't cry. I can't show that. And that part is lonely.

The thing about depression though, is...it isn't this group of people wailing and crying. Depression is more...insidious. It is like when you go out on a frigid cold day but it isn't quite cold enough for snow and it is raining. You get caught in that cold rain and it seeps right through to your bones. And anyone who has felt that, you know how hard it is to get warm again. It is like that with mood...it seeps in and stays and stays. To be able to actually cry is a miracle. Mostly you just feel rather numb and inert. And how does one adequately describe that feeling to anyone? So you keep it to yourself.

Back to my friend's comments. Again I felt the instinct to hide. I can play some kind of hero I suppose if I don't talk about my MS. People can say...yeah I know a lady who has it and she is just fine. And I am...I think. For now. I don't know.

I was in a school supply store this week. I was shopping for learning supplies for my youngest son when "it" happened. I don't talk about "it" very much because...well...because...I am afraid. I am a lily livered chicken shit. I want to pretend that this isn't happening. I want to make it go away. But okay I am gonna confess that it happens way more than I ever let anyone know. And I am sorry but that is the way I have to handle this for now.

So I will leave my confession here.

Yeah I was having trouble in a store. lol It is like I tell myself if I can just keep this MS contained in private...when nobody is around...I can deal with that. I have spent my whole life with people staring in my direction for various reasons. First it was my schizophrenic mother who would talk to herself and gesture wildly in public. Sometimes she would get so angry and paranoid she would begin to cuss at strangers. That went over real well in the inner city. Then in my adolescent years I had a boyfriend who was a drug addict who would have no fear of acting out in public. He would do things like carry me to a garbage can and put me in it. I chose a career where I attempted to help those with multiple disabilities. I had many community outings where my folk would spit, holler, jump up in the air, flap like a bird, and even pee themeselves in public. And now I have a son who has special needs who has on ocassion rips off his clothes, screams, knocks over glasses in restaurants to watch the water spill, and the list goes on.

You would think that I would be used to this shit. You get over it fast when you are trying to help someone else. I am downright belligerent and in your face if you stare at someone I am with.

But me alone? Hell no. I don't want to be noticed. I want my quiet times where nobody is staring. I want to be invisible when I am on my own. I want to blend in. I want to pretend I have this normal life I have never had. I remember the first stare when I was coming out of Target one day. I had the MS pegleg thing going on. My right leg stiffened up and I tried to stop it but...you can't. I saw eyes on me and...I quickly hobbled away and out of sight.

So just recently as I was saying...I was having symptoms in that learning store. And my first instinct was to hide...which I did semi-successfully behind a cart. I wish I could be one of these folks who, upon learning of their disease, gets bumper stickers and proudly proclaims "I HAVE MS!" and have no qualms about being visible. And to some extent I am that too. I have this blog. I want to share. But in public...I...

I don't want pity. I don't want people "helping" me. I don't want that kind of attention. It makes me so mad. My friend hurt me with her insensitive comments. I love her but she hurt me. One day that could be me with a cane. I will need help at some point. I will be visible.

This is all a process. I am new to this MS stuff. Just think...less than a year ago...the word was not in my vocabulary. I didn't think about. I didn't have to. But now I do. And when I don't...someone reminds me. "It" reminds me with symptoms.

I do want to say this before I get reactions I do not want. I AM fine. Truly. My symptoms are not that bad. I function so very well. I am just...coming to terms with this and...I wanted to talk about it. That's all. I just want to talk.

And so I have. And it helped.

Mission Statement

what do i want out of this...blogging?

1. i want to practice my writing. i want to become more skilled...more powerful...more me.

2. i want to connect and touch others. i want to meet new people from different lands, different mind sets, different perspectives. i want to develop a little community where people come around to check up on one another just to say hello...just to share a smile. damn...i sound like a hallmark card now. just shoot me.

3. i want to share myself with you. i want to talk about my life...my stories...my challenges so that perhaps it can help someone even if that someone is merely me.

4. this is re-stating number three but i want to help people. i want to provide sustenance through my words...even a morsel...hey then it is all worth it.

5. i want to heal and help myself too. i want this blog to be...for me. for whatever i want to write about. i want to feel free and safe here. i need this outlet more than i can say.

6. i wish to create. this is when i feel happiest...when i am creating something from nothing.

7. i want this blog to be a storage warehouse for me to save little thoughts and bits and pieces of wisdom i collect along the way.

i could go on and on but i shall opt for simplicity and brevity and stop here.

PS: i am fixing up my side bar so forgive me for switching things around and playing with your links. i added a small links section for the "special of the day" for those folks i find myself on blogger speed dial if you will. anyways...i will be trying to make things all perty and organized.

thursday night stream

i need to talk. i mean write. talk/write. think aloud. to no-one. to someone. the proverbial message in a bottle.

this whole thing is silly really. blogging. when you think about it. these public proclamations of momentary thought and emotion. a diary. like i am thirteen again.

well...i suppose all of writing is silly then. poetry. essays. autobiographies. why do it? why would one expose themselves in such a public way? sometimes i am like a wave wanting to rush out to shore...kiss the feet of strangers...rise up to welcome the world into my waters. and then there are days i cannot fathom it at all...the wish to recede...to retreat to darkest watery depths is my salvation.

i like the solitude in my head. i like the safety.

i have spent my whole life around people...with people...among other humans yet...somehow i manage to feel alone. and don't read too much into my words. this isn't a bad thing. at all. it just is. it isn't sad unless you put that meaning there upon it.

but of course...no man or woman is an island. so we reach out our tentacles to touch others. sometimes we touch lightly like a breeze...and sometimes we beat down the walls like some misguided warrior.

what is it that we want when we connect?

i have personally spent so many years with people who for whatever reason...were not able to connect that...quite frankly to this day....

i am surprised when someone answers back.

Danger Will Robinson!

remember that robot on lost in space? remember when the robot would literally blow a gasket and become all unwired? that is me right now. my brain does not want to function. having trouble finding words. need rest.

have a pleasant (evening, day, week...whatever time or day it is for you now)

sweet dreams or daydreams as the case may be....

Thinking out loud...

I am feeling shell shocked somehow. Altered. Changed.

Turning inward and figuring out what is in there.

Just some random thoughts as I process the myriad of emotions I am currently feeling.

* Feelings are personal. You can't ever tell someone how to feel. There are no rights or wrongs there. You can't set a timeline for someone else as to how to grieve or for how long. You can't judge someone for taking two steps back. People do get stuck. People do get angry. People will succumb to despair. People will feel and act in ways you might not expect. The world and its inhabitants are not here to please you nor to live to your standards of how one should be. It doesn't work that way.

* Perhaps the best way to be of help to others is to live your life in a way you want to live it. And then share that with others....not in a...I am standing upon a pedastal looking down on you....but in a raw truthful....not hiding of the blemishes kind of way. The best truths come from those without agendas or egos.

* We all have struggles. We all have pain in our lives. Pain is the great equalizer for us all. The rich...the poor...the young...the old...the willful...the innocent...all will experience some sort of pain. Some wear their pain like a badge of honor...look at me...I have picked myself up by the bootstraps...I have been through more than you...so stop your complaining and live as I have lived...get with the program and make the same choices to change. Does that pedestal truly heighten at the lowering of others? There is always worse. One could be dead right? Or maimed...or tortured or...the list goes on. Another's suffering does not minimize anyone else's experience. Knowing someone in the world right now is starving doesn't make me feel more grateful. It makes me sad about that person who is hungry. I have never understood that concept...someone else suffers and we are supposed to feel better about ourselves...as though being a voyeur to someone else's pain is a gift to use selfishly for our own gain. thank god it is not me and...go about my business. no.

rather... some people show us the way. to love. to live to understand that we too can carry on. some people pave the way...make it easier for us to see the path.

* i am not necessarily close to those who share a similar experience to mine. this does not make for instant friendship or bonding. there is something else which operates which is a matter of the core. and this is what i am trying to discover within myself. what forces make some people humble, resilient, and grateful? what is it which allows for smallness so that you can see how grand the world really is?

* what do i respect? genuineness. the ability to want and seek substance. the ability to forgive. the constitution to leave ego at the door. a willingness to accept others as they really are instead of how we would like them to be. the ability to allow oneself to be vulnerable as true strength. and of course...empathy and compassion.

* i am feeling like a vampire of sorts...feasting upon bodies...ther life force being drawn out of them in words. i feel guilty...a voyeur of the human condition...being forced to view my own pain by being exposed to others. i seem to need this right now...to be reminded of what is important and what is not. i keep coming back to the reason for most things...love.

* we are all alone really. nobody can truly walk in your shoes. we are forced to see the world from this faulty lens. we are given this body, this brain, this spirit. this is our gateway to the world and it is also our prison. we are trapped here with our own set of unique limitations and parameters. we all come with baggage and frailties. and then we meet up with others who also carry their own hosts of demons and luggage. nobody is immune. before we can forgive others for theirs or even help to lighten their load...we gotta forgive ourselves first. the anger which inevitably comes from bumping into other humans is almost always about ourselves. it is good to recognize that in order to move on.

* back to love. does it conquer all? not a chance. but it helps. it is a reason. it is a purpose. no outcome. no expectations. just...an innocent purity...as well as the greatest strength in this world...which can never be extinguished. it is what we are.

feeling wormy

i am feeling quiet. distant. insulated. removed from humanity.

when i was a little girl my mother taught me this song. i remember singing it to myself in my itty bitty brick back yard when i was feeling particularly lonesome and as small as a bug.

well perhaps you know this childhood ditty. raise your hand if you do.

nobody loves me
everybody hates me
guess i'll go eat worms

big fat juicy worms
little itty bitty worms
see dem little worms squirm

bite their heads off
suck their guts out
throw their skins away

nobody knows how a man can thrive
on worms three times a day!

and i...cannot believe i have remembered all the words. i deserve a medal just for that.

worms anyone?

It's Monday again Morning Pages

why hello there bloggers and blogettes!

open your pretty peepers as monday has arrived whether you are ready or not.

i am not. yet. ready.

i am tired. but then again i was way tired yesterday and i had a ton of sleep. MS? me? who knows. being tired isn't all that bad sometimes. you slow down. i sometimes get giddy. and other times the tiredness makes me sink in mood. not this time though. i feel good. just a little disjointed as though i am forgetting things.

i have plans on being a doer instead of a dreamer. i finally took step one towards a writing project. i have a sort of title. well...i had a title i was very excited about but my editor (are you out there reading this?) said...yeah that's great but let's chop off this part and change this...lol Who needs a title right? "Just write" he says. Some folk need a lot of structure and some need next to none. I am very used to writing with no structure but now...I find I need a little structure. I find I need a title to know where I am going.

*gulp*

all of a sudden i feel fear about doing things. "just do it" is the nike or was the nike motto. no...i need to feel ready. am i ready? no wait...i need the right time, the right place, the right frame of mind, the right pen, the right computer, the right...me. WAIT.

sorry...just neuortic me talking.

so what what you been wanting to do but are afraid to start?

what do you think you are afraid of?

thoughts to percolate upon this fine monday morning of wary unreadiness....

saturday morning pages

Rise and shine peoples!

well here it is...saturday already...how did that happen?

i am not sure what is happening to me but i sure am writing a lot here on my blog. i seem to need this right now. i need the structure of it...the outlet of it...the comradery of it.

i am feeling more courageous lately to talk about topics which are difficult to talk about. let's see: depression, politics, MS, and sex! i feel religion may be next. so watch out. :>)

i used to watch a show long time ago called Ally McBeal...loved that show....and there was this character called Fish who would resolve all conflicts with a simple word, "Bygones."

so if i have offended, displeased, made uncomfortable, made uneasy, created trouble for, or in any way rocked your world in a bad way, blame it all on me....it is all my fault and well..."bygones."

moving right along...i am feeling good today mentally. and physically. i feel i can do things.

i want to protect my mental health. the one trick i do have is to focus on where i do want to go instead of just reacting to life. i want to focus on the things i feel are most important to me. i want to move forward and not back. or at least stay still. stillness is good too.

anyways...i have been trying to find a video which doesn't exist...one of my favorite blue's traveller songs is Just Wait. it is a beautiful song meant for a friend to a friend. the words make me cry and they are words i wish someone would say to me at times. sometimes one finds comfort in simple song lyrics. i could not find a regular video with this song...and ironically i stumbled upon one which warned. WARNING...EXPLICIT GOD CONTENT. lol i guess i am stumbling into the religion topic whether i wanted to or not. like i said...i wanted to share this song with you...as a friend to friends...for whomever needed to hear the words...not to promote religion. this is the only vid i could find with the song and words...the God part...is not my intended message. so just ignore that part if you want to/choose to and...if you are cool with it...then listen to it. i just wanted folk to know that i am not promoting that part of the video...whoever created this...took that as their personal meaning. i just simply wanted to share the song itself and the words.

so without further adieu...this song is for whoever needs it today...

The post I have been wanting to write...

I had brought up the topic of sex in connection with Multiple Sclerosis, many posts back, and I think some were a bit shy about discussing this. I can totally understand why. It is hard enough talking about sex but when you start talking about it with relation to a disease which causes such great impairments...well...it can be a little awkward. :>)

But since I am one to push the envelope, I would like to talk about this again.

Sex is part of being human. It is like eating or breathing. It is a natural and most pleasurable aspect of life. I would no sooner want to give it up than I would to stop breathing (Not to worry about me...I am being taken care of. :>)). But, sadly, sometimes that is just what happens when you have a disease like MS. Some people give up on having sexual relations all together. Actually it is not an uncommon thing to give up on, even within the general population. Depression, other health issues, lack of interest and so on, can impair desire.

I can't speak for men but I can say some things from a woman's point of view. My MS is new for me and I am not impaired at all in a sexual way. But I do know from personal accounts that MS symptoms like fatigue, numbness, and nerve damage can greatly hinder sexual enjoyment for women.

There is a fabulous book out about MS and it is for women and it is called: Women Living with Multiple Sclerosis by Judith Lynn Nichols. It is a great book for the simple reason that it takes posts written by a group of women from an on-line MS support group, and provides some very candid and genuine discussion about what it is like to be a woman and have MS. What is especially unique about this book is that they devote a whole chapter to discussing sex in very down to earth language. A dry clinical approach to talking about sex....this is not.
For example, one of the ladies talk about something which can be very beneficial in the bedroom: "Another milestone came after eighteen years when we introduced a vibrator into our lives. That was a major breakthrough in that it greatly reduced the amount of foreplay, which translated to less assault on my nervous system."

My response would be..."Honey what took you so long?" :>)

Which leads me to answer your question of why there is a rabbit on this post. I was gonna post a picture of the real thing (The Rabbit Vibrator) but I thought that might get me in trouble with folk thinking I am selling sex toys. I'm not! I am just talking about one.

The Rabbit as it is known, was made very popular by the show, Sex in the City, during one episode (episode number nine of season one) where the sweet and demure character of Charlotte becomes addicted to hers. And if you are a woman who has tried one, I dare say you could soon understand why.

Here is some of the Sex in the City script from that episode:

“Carrie: I'm not going to replace a man with some battery-operated device.

Miranda: You haven't met 'The Rabbit.

'Samantha: Oh come on, if you're going to get a vibrator, at least get one called 'The Horse.'”

Talk of The Rabbit even found its way into an article on forbes.com entitled, America's Most Lustful Cities by Rebecca Ruiz:

"Indeed, Americans' sex lives are thriving in private, but also in ever-present images on TV, billboards, the Internet, song lyrics and in the movies. A prime example: The turning point for the sex toy industry, says Anne Semans, marketing director for the adult retail company Babeland, was the 1998 episode of "Sex and the City" in which the normally demure Charlotte became obsessed with a vibrator called the Rabbit. Sales of the device skyrocketed.

The added endorsement of sex toys from celebrities like Eva Longoria, who has discussed her purchases publicly, emboldened more women and couples to be open about their sexual practices and preferences.

"For years, the people who bought our sex toys were women trying to learn how to orgasm or masturbate, and they did it in private," says Semans. "In the last [few] years, it was a noticeable change that women were buying and using sex toys with their partners. It's reached a level of acceptance it hadn't before."

Of course it is great to have a partner who fully accepts the idea and doesn't mind bringing such an element into the bedroom. None of my male readers would mind their mate utilizing such a device... would you?

The Rabbit was even made more famous when a man in England tried to rob a bank by placing a plastic bag over his girlfriend's toy and waving it around like a weapon. I am sure there are many good jokes to be had with this story....I am just not clever enough at the moment to conjure one.

In additon to trying out a little battery powered support, the book about women and MS also discusses the importance of foreplay. Women need much more time, typically, than men to get their motors running. Slooowww down and get to know your body better and what feels good and what doesn't. It doesn't have to be a race to the finish and sometimes it doesn't even matter if there is a definite conclusion. Intimacy means a whole lot more than achieving orgasm. Holding, touching, caressing, and massages are all wonderful too.

What is the biggest sex organ of the body? The correct answer is the brain. Remember that all sensuality begins with the thoughts and perceptions in our head.

And this concludes my train of thought for this Friday evening. See...this wasn't so bad was it? I am confident we can talk about...just about anything. :>)


Have a great evening and weekend y'all....

Morning Pages for Friday

well here we are again. friday.

the end of the week.

what do i have to say for myself?

i can't help but be bemused by all the interactions and reactions of our little community to one another. we are all characters aren't we? i wonder what steretypical role i would play in a reality show where you dump a group of very different personalities together? when i was working in the helping profession field....we once had human resources come to our group and do these little "tests" to see how we all got along. we had to design a rollercoaster together using paper or some such thing.

what happened you ask? well...pretty much what you would expect. the bossy people got bossy and fought with other bossy people. the slackers slacked and rolled their eyes at the whole thing. the folk who never shared, hoarded their materials. and the do-ers quietly began doing. me? i found myself in the role of cheerleader and peacekeeper much to my surprise. i could predict how everyone was gonna act and react but myself. i was the one to try to help the others get together and work well with each other. i was the one to attempt to offer encouragement and praise. it was more important for me that the folks get along than to actually finish the project. it was strange for me to discover this about myself because i feel i am such an introvert.

in my life i have just about boiled my own skin alive trying to get people together...mostly family members. i have hosted horrific thanksgiving dinners and other get togethers which make me cringe to this day. i have had some good endings such as when i got two of my half siblings together (they never lived with me and are much older than i am). they had been feuding for over a decade when i wrote to one and...this led to a reconciliation between the two...okay so it took another decade for that to happen! but...i like to think that i had something to do with it. but ultimately people have to decide for themselves who they want to associate with and who they don't and i respect that.

not everyone is gonna hold hands with each other and sing kumbayah. lol and that is just fine.

but with every interaction you do have with others...whether it be good or horrific...sounds cliched to say but you do learn something about yourself. we are all mirrors of each other and our schtuff. maybe the best that we learn is...hey...i never want to be like that but maybe somewhere deep inside me...i am a bit of that.

well...anyways...

have a good day and i shall return later to babble some more.

merelyme

Exercise for the Brain

The research shows that folks with MS can have some issues with cognition sometime during the course of their disease. I think that this is the one potential symptom which scares me the most. So my small attempt to ward off cognition dysfunction is to exercise my brain. I have recently taken up doing crossword puzzles and I have come to the conclusion that I need lots more practice. I thought I had a good vocabulary but some of the puzzles have had me so stumped that I had to go look up the answers.

Anyways...I thought that I could have an on-going feature category here of some brain exercises....fun little activities to get the brain working. Not sure if such things are proven to help any (anybody know of any research?) but it couldn't hurt and they are fun.

Here is my first attempt. You can derive a word or phrase from the following. Maybe I will post the comments when someone gets them all correct.

I will give you one example:

Mind
Matter (the answer is Mind over Matter

See if you can get all ten of these right!

1. MEREPEAT

2. GR 12" AVE

3. roforkad

4. gesg
segg
gegs
gges

5. eeeeeeeeeec

6. i4i

7. poFISHnd

8. Pot O O O O O O O O

9. you the past

10. my own heart a person

The Last Word (not really)

Been thinking a bit more about the health care issue and I wanted to add my comment here. Feel free to add yours as well.

I think it helps to talk in less generalized terms and more in personal experience.

I was one of the uninsured for multiple times during my life. One time was for about five years as I was going to college. I went to college early...I got to leave high school when I was only sixteen to enter a university. During the time it took me to get my undergrad degree and some of my first graduate degree I was totally uninsured. My mother...as I have mentioned...is severely mentally ill so she didn't work and had no health insurance to give me. At that time I was working two jobs...one was a minimum wage bakery job where I got up at four in the morning so I could get there by five to open the store. In between times I took my full load of classes and then worked another job at the university library....also for minimum wage. Of course it is a given that my two jobs did not grant me health insurance. During that time I just never went to the doctor. Good thing for me that I was never sick!

I wouldn't consider myself to be a slacker...I was just...out of luck. And so are many many other folks in this country.

Imagine if you lost your job right now. Or perhaps you are are in between jobs or contracts and in between times you or your loved one gets cancer, or diabetes, or multiple sclerosis. Insurance companies won't want to pick you up. It happens everyday.

We think of this anonymous "poor" person who is uninsured as the lazy bum...sitting around drinking beers...not responsible for themselves and wanting a hand out. Many of the poor are actually children, who through no fault of their own, have no health insurance. They are real people. And we...the land of wealth and opportunity...allows this to happen.

I am going to go out on a long limb here and talk about those taxes we pay. I can't even tell you what this war in Iraq is costing us in terms of lives and money. You are paying taxes...you always pay taxes...isn't it time you paid for something you actually want and believe in?

Just a thought....

Sometimes I think about if I had my MS back then....well...oh well.

Morning Pages for Thursday

here we go now...

amazing. the things happening on my blog recently are truly amazing. and i like it. sometimes so much good comes from the rise and build up of tension....and then the great release. lol...am i describing sex or debate?

seriously...i like how we truly are becoming a little community here...this is what i had been wanting. i didn't want to become the blog where everyone comes by as in a business transaction...people not really reading or caring and me just coming away with a long list of trite and insincere comments. i have seen that happen for folk who write about some serious topics including health issues, autism, you name it. it makes a mockery of the topic at hand. i would much rather have it this way...where people are really feeling what they are saying and are interacting with one another in a real and genuine way and even disagreeing than people not thinking for themselves.

it is difficult to be oneself sometimes. i had learned to be one of those people pleaser types early on mainly because it helped my survival! to speak my mind or be assertive might mean that i would get beat up or neglected or any number of horrible reactions. so i learned to keep my thoughts to myself and to be invisible. now at my great age....i am finally discovering that it can sometimes be okay to open one's mouth and speak up. perhaps this is a sexist thing to say but i feel this is harder for women than for men. we are taught as little girls to be "nice" all the time.

i do want to be "nice" and fair and just with my words. yes i do want to be liked. more than i care to admit. but sometimes in this world...being respected is a far greater achievement than being liked. i am still not totally convinced of this but i am getting there.

words, words, words. so many words fill our day. what shall we do with them all? shall we use them to heal ourselves and others? shall we use them as weapons to knock down our supposed opponents? shall we reach out a hand through our words to lift someone up? will we entertain? will we dance and twirl someone into intimacy? will we use our words to respect and gain respect? will we paint a picture of our world so that people can view it for the first time?

what will you do with words today?

The Debate Club

Well my dear friends...since we did so very well with our little "discussion" about depression, perhaps we can try a more formal debate. Feel free to get on your soapbox and say what you feel but do refrain from personal attacks and expressions of disrespect or I will have to open a can of whoop ass on ya!

One topic I have been pondering lately is one of health care. This is especially pertinent now because of the political atmosphere and it is personally pertinent to me because this year I know I will have this dang disease, Multiple Sclerosis, for the rest of my life.

I will pose some questions here and then a pose the issue for debate.

1. Is healthcare a big issue for you and will it be a deciding factor for who you vote for? (in the US)

2. Define Universal Healthcare as you understand it. If you live in a country other than the U.S. please tell us how your healthcare system works and if you like it or not.

3. Do you feel the current system of healthcare in the United States is working? If not, what would you like to see done to change it?

and lastly for debate...

Are you for or against a universal healthcare system for us in the United States? Why or why not?

So ummm...

Anybody wanna talk about sex? :>)

I thought a change in topic might be nice.

A most relevant "discussion"

Wow...controversy on my blog.

Cool.

For all the gory details of said discussion view the post before this one. There are some very "interesting" comments.

I am going to highlight the main one which became the focal point of debate. And here it is:

buffalodickdy said...
"I, like most people have been depressed. That being said, I know how bad it can make you feel- and how little that makes a difference in what the world expects of you. I am not an optimist or a pessimist. I am a realist. You must give before you get. You must never let people know you are down, as they will see a whiner. You must show strength you didn't even know you had- to get respect, instead of pity. Respect is huge- go get some!"

Very interesting.... :>)

My most immediate reaction is to say that this is my blog and I will talk about whatever bloody hell topic I choose to talk about. I do want to talk about depression and I will continue to do so. There is a fine line between expressing one's "opinion" and delivering a personal attack and it is clear to me that this individual had/has crossed the line. I am not one to tolerate such nonsense so fella....the cyber road awaits you....don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

My second response was one of puzzlement. I wrote a more generalized piece about depression...mainly citing references from a book I am reading about this topic, and trying to elicit conversation about questions posed from this said book. Surely not a post to get one's dander up so overly emotionally. This commenter took the post very personally as some sort of affront to his world views and I can only conclude that the man "doth protest too much." A psychological analysis would most likely reveal that this is a person who is afraid of their own times of feeling depressed and feels ashamed somehow. That shame translates into a projection onto others who remind him of it. Feelings of inadequacy can make people say the strangest of things.

After those momentary reactions flashed through my head, I came to the conclusion that this was a grand opportunity for others to say their piece about views on depression. And thank you to all who did come and very genuinely state their opinion. This is good...as it brings this topic to life. It isn't just about a passage from a page in a book about depression....this is about real people and how they cope and manage with this sometimes debilitating mood disorder. This stranger's comment is symbollic of what is out there in family member's and friend's attitudes about mood disorders.

I was and am shocked that such a neanderthal attitude still exists, but it clearly shows the need for more education and training to the general public about depression. I just assumed that everyone was pretty much on the same page by now in this day and age.

Let me re-state that his comments could have come from your mother, your father, you siblings, your neighbor, or co-worker. There are still many folk who do not understand the nature of depression, what it is, what it is not, and how to help themselves and/or others.

And I will say very vehemently that I do not believe this commenter's advice is a good strategy. In fact....not at all.

It is good to talk about it. It is good to tell someone you trust about your feelings especially if those feelings are leading to thoughts of harming oneself. Keeping it all in is not such a good idea as it limits your options of truly getting help.

And I especially take issue with the notion of "strength" as being defined as basically shutting up and putting up. This is not strength....this is fear. In my opinion, strength is the ability to be able to allow yourself to be vulnerable....to take those risks necessary for growth and connection. As my friend Mark so eloquently put it...this other stoic John Wayne approach to emotions is...well...."bullshit."

And likewise it isn't healthy.

I have had much trauma in my life and one of the issues I used to have was that I couldn't feel anything. Even as a very young girl I didn't show pain because to do so made me fearful for my survival. I remember my mother who was severely mentally ill....being hauled away in a paddy wagon one day when I was just five years old. I watched her scream my name as police pushed her into the car and I didn't cry. Not once. As a matter of fact, I joked with the policemen. Was I "strong"? No not really. I was just in shock. I remained in shock for a good portion of my life recounting horror stories and laughing as I told them, without any appropriate emotion. It took literally years of therapy work before I could show those emotions.

There are other instances where someone actually acts upon their feelings and they commit suicide. Is it really so "strong" to not tell someone about those feelings? Do you think those family members left behind thought..."oh well...at least the one I loved was strong and didn't show their sadness." No...they aren't going to say that.

Depression is not a source of shame. It isn't a form of personal weakness. I can cite so many extraordinary people who have suffered from depression. Did Lincoln lack self respect? Was Michelangelo weak of mind? You look at the world of musicians, artists, actors, writers, poets, and even and especially comedians....and many of them will be found to suffer from depression. I suppose they are all weak and soulless too.

So be cautious of the advice given by this commenter. It is not the truth about depression as facts demonstrate. It is just an opinion....a dangerous one in my opinion....but nonetheless I am very thankful he did make it so that we can talk about this openly.

I am going to leave you with a lot of information coming from many different and varied sources, I hurriedly found on the internet and so easily. This is all out there and black and white. I assumed most people already knew all this but I am finding out otherwise.

You can be sure I will be posting lots more on this topic. More to come!

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FACTS ABOUT MOOD DISORDERS

A Common Myth Proven Wrong
For many years there has been a common myth that depression is due to a personal weakness or lack of will-power. Many think that a depressed person can simply "snap out of it" by using will-power.

This is NOT True!

Depression involves a chemical imbalance in the areas of the brain that controls mood and emotion. It is a physical illness similar to diabetes or high blood pressure. A person with depression is not able to use will power to control their moods any more than a diabetic can use will power to change their blood sugar levels. This chemical imbalance may result from many different factors. People suffering from this illness often require medications and / or therapy in order to recover just as a diabetic requires insulin in order to regulate blood sugar levels.


Are Depressed People Lazy? NO! NO! NO!

No, they are not lazy! Physical symptoms are associated with depression which cause people to feel profoundly tired, and extremely unmotivated. Many people find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and may sleep excessively during the day. In some cases they might find it difficult to fall asleep and may even awaken frequently during the night.

Another common symptom is reduced appetite resulting in weight loss or increased appetite resulting in weight gain.

Some people may even experience headaches, constipation and general aches and pains. These physical symptoms are real and often debilitating. They cannot simply be thought away.
Besides the physical symptoms, depression is also accompanied by changes in mood. People have a persistent feeling of sadness and are often unable to find pleasure in activities they once enjoyed such as hobbies, family activities, socializing, etc. Some people may have less or no desire for sexual relations. Sometimes intense irritability is also experienced which may result in short tempers and lack of patience.

Thought patterns often change. Negative thoughts, pessimism, guilt, hopelessness and helplessness are feelings often experienced with this illness. Many people have difficulty remembering, focusing and / or concentrating, and self-esteem and self-confidence is usually very low.Symptoms of anxiety are frequently prevalent with many people suffering from depression. This often results in excessive worrying, nervousness, restlessness, panic, and difficulty with sleep.

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"It is important to realize that depression is a true illness or disorder. It is not a sign of weakness nor does it affect those with a "lack of willpower." Depression strikes all walks of life, and does not discriminate due to race or age. It does however, affect twice as many women as men."
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Depression is not a passing mood. It is not a personal weakness.
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"Depression affects about 19 million people annually in the U.S. alone. Some of the most prominent and well-known individuals who have suffered from a depressive disorder include Alexander the Great, Napoleon Bonaparte, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, George Patton, abolitionist John Brown, Robert E. Lee, Florence Nightingale, Sir Isaac Newton, Stephen Hawking, Charles Darwin, J.P. Morgan, Barbara Bush, Ludwig von Beethoven and Michelangelo. Not exactly people who just sit around feeling sorry for themselves."

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"Myth: You can will depression away. If you can’t, then you’re weak."

"Depression cannot be willed away any more than heart disease or diabetes can. It’s caused by chemical changes in the body, which cannot be overcome simply by positive thinking and grim determination. Given how much stigma is still attached to mental illness, seeking help for depression is an act of courage and strength — not weakness — on your part."

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"Let's demolish these five popular misconceptions about depression:

Myth #1 - You Can "Snap Out Of It

"Don't you just hate it, when you admit to feeling down, people tell you to "snap out of it?" Isn't it amazing, the impatience that develops in those that are up and don't want to be bothered with someone who is down? To them, your pessimism, your anxiety, your timidity (and possibly your full-blown depression) seem a perverse personality quirk that you yourself could easily correct if you just tried to "rise above it." In other words, they see your low mood level as a personal failing of yours. That's because despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, people still believe that dysthymia and depression are psychological disorders - are "all in your head". They think that "mood is a state of mind" and therefore must have a purely psychological cause - for which a psychological remedy must be found. Even you yourself may have held that mistaken view on occasion. In effect, they assume that you're "programmed wrong" - and they suggest you go and have yourself reprogrammed. This makes it hard to open up to anybody about low mood levels such as depression (although depression is a serious and possibly life-threatening affliction). It makes it even harder to admit to the lesser condition of being dysthymic (shy or timid, just slightly depressed) because "come on, no one ever died from it!"

On top of it, haven't we ourselves bought into the story that how we feel is our fault? That we would simply "snap out of it" if we weren't such wimps? Let's get really clear about this: You cannot snap out of it. To "snap out of" dysthymia or depression is a physical impossibility. It makes about as much sense as asking someone to "snap out of" diabetes or an underactive thyroid gland. "

"Mood is NOT a state of mind. How you feel is NOT your fault. You can NOT "snap out of" a low mood."

Talking to Depression: Part One

I have been meaning to talk and share about a book I had gotten out of the library about depression for some time now. I see the book needs to go back soon so I better get with the program!

The book is called, Talking to Depression: Simple Ways to Connect When Someone in your Life is Depressed and is by Claudia J. Strauss.

I cannot say enough good things about this little book. But I will try here. I think this will be a multi-post theme as there is much to cover. I want to highlight some of the most poignant parts of the book for me and then I wish to discuss those parts and how they relate to my own life and I invite you to do the same.

Let's start with the chapter...Seeing Through Their Eyes. This was a particularly helpful chapter in that they ask questions of folk who suffer from depression so that their answers may be read by people who are trying help.

Here are some of the questions and answers and feel free to answer these yourself in a comment.

1. What does depression feel like?

some of the answers from the book included:

"A lack of hope"

" Unable to bear the thought of any more pain, for any longer."

" Empty. A zombie. Staring at walls, but not seeing anything, not thinking anything. Blank."

" Angry, Reliving nightmares over and over. But they are real."

"A feeling of incompetence, incapacity."

Care to add to the list?

Let's see...I personally would include:

* A slowing down of everything. You are trying to move through the day and it requires energy you do not have.

* You ache inside and out. You grieve. You mourn.

* You feel as though you cannot tolerate another minute of it but you know you have to.

* You seek validation from the world and others for your feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. You get mad when people negate your views.

* There is such an inertia to it....you don't want to do anything. Nothing interests you. Nothing feels good or gives you pleasure. You sit and wait for it all to be over.

And these are just off the top of my head.

The million dollar question is next....Where does it seem to come from?

Some of the respondants from the book said:

" I wish I knew."

"Failure"

"Abuse"

"Stress"

"It started with grief. It turned into this."

For myself...I would answer that I believe much of mine to be inherited and biological in origin. I think certain folk have a predisposition to it and then bring on the environmental stressors or hormonal/chemical imbalances and...voila....you got yourself a depression. I believe it to be multifactorial.

I think for those of us who have had a lot of loss in our lives...lots of emotional trauma and/or abuse as children...it can be particularly bad for us. I think those early traumas mess with the wiring and responses of the brain.

Some of it is cogniton...relying upon old patterns of thinking about things especially pertaining to hopelessness and helplessness.

Current grief and loss certainly can trigger it big time as well as anniversaries of grief times. Christmas seems to be the worst for so many people.

Sometimes it is related to the seasons...lack of light....shorter and darker days.

Duh...I forgot the obvious. MS can cause depression and not just because you are sad to have it...I mean it can cause it...biologically. Also the meds for MS can cause depression as well. Are we having fun yet?

But mostly....who knows? It just comes. It just is. None of us with depression want to be this way. It is extreme suffering.

Much more to come. I hope this is helpful so far. Please comment on these first two questions if you can relate.

Morning Pages

monday morning here.

for you too unless you are reading this on another day or have time travelled to another time.

oh by the way...this is my attempt at The Artist Way...morning pages...i call it stream of consciousness. morning is one of those special creative times presumably...to let it all hang out.

back to time travel. i have no desire. not in my own life anyhow. what would be the point really. no desire to become twenty again or even thirty. there were bad times there too. i do want the world to stop at times though...just so i can catch up.

once again i am on my spiral staircase as i call it and there is no end to it. no endings...no beginnings...just endless up and down up and down and round and round.

a truly new beginning would mean you had amnesia and you simply forgot everything and had no ties to anything. that is never possible. nor would it be especially practical.

we think of time as this linear line...of walking forward...doing things...getting things done...going from point A to point B. not so my friend. i believe we are more like dogs chasing our tails going round and round...merging beginnings with endings so we don't know the difference anymore.

grief....loss....despair....all essential for change it seems. don't want to go through it....too bad. life drags you along anyway.

adaptability....resilience....survivor these folk...change.

there are folk who seemingly won't change. they are usually left on the curb. bye bye.

i am feeling agitated today...angsty...perhaps because i am on the precipice to change. i have no idea what the change will be but it is coming....i can feel it.

this is the process of my becoming....

The Sunday Meme

I haven't created a Meme in quite awhile and I am in need of a diversion. Hmmm....let me see...what can we Meme about? Well I guess there is the New Year.

1. What do you predict will happen this year in the news?

2. Which celebrity do you wish to never hear about again this year?

3. What New Year's resolution are you most likely to break?

4. Did anyone actually stay up past midnight for
New Year's Eve?

5. Do you have hope or dread for this new
year or a little of both?