The aftermath of Christmas...

So has everyone survived the holiday thus far? Did you have to choke any extended family members? Did a pack of dogs steal your turkey like in A Christmas Story? Did Alvin the chimpmunk ever get his Hooola hoop?

Do tell all!

And what did santa bring you naughty people?

Can I tell you that I am simply giddy that it is over? It's twue...it's twue! Christmas is over...YAY! I can breathe easier.

The Incongruence of Christmas

I am in need of Christmas cheer my good friends. I need a little pixi dust, a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, perhaps a little spiked eggnog.

I seem to get this way every holiday season starting with Thanksgiving and cumulating in the big Christmas day.

All the Christmas shoulds lurk in a corner waiting to pounce at unexpected times to tell you how you are supposed to feel at this time of year.

And I love Christmas really. But I hate it too. My love hate relationship with this holiday goes way back. I have so many dark Christmas memories of there being no Christmas because my mother had to be hospitalized. Or adulthood memories of trying to meet everyone's unmet needs. Travelling to multiple houses just to be told in so many words of someone's disappointment in you or your gift.

Each year Christmas sneaks up on me. I want to celebrate all its nuances. I want to go ice skating. Now with having MS I dare not even try. I want to bake cookies. I have not baked a one yet this year. I suppose there is still time. A friend is coming today to bring some. I am grateful. I didn't even send Christmas cards this year...the very first year I have not done so.

All these vestiges of Christmas will not help me to find what I truly wish for and that is peace.

I turn on the TV and all I see are images of murder or destruction. Then there are the news shows who seem to celebrate all that is wrong with mankind in the creation of a who dunnit mystery show. Someone's life was taken. And we watch from the comfort of our living room as part of our entertainment.

I went to the mall during the hubbub of recent weeks. The throngs of people buying things they probably couldn't afford for the sake of a "giving" holiday began to make me feel a little ill. I point no fingers, I was one of them.

I write for a health site. I also answer questions there. Some of the questions rip my heart out. Like the wife of a man who has Primary Progessive Multiple Sclerosis. She reached out one day in a comment on one of my posts. I wanted to help her so very much. But I knew I couldn't. Hell...I couldn't even enlist support for her. And then there is the more recent question I chose to answer about a girlfriend who is basically wondering when her boyfriend might die from his aggressive Primary Progressive MS. While we all sit around eating our plum pudding or worrying about our links, this woman has to think about whether or not she has to put her boyfriend into hospice care. Her question was beautiful in its authenticity. I just feel so...damn powerless.

Yet there is joy to be found, despite the darkness. I find it in my children's faces. And in the glow of christmas tree lights on a still dark night. I find it in the warmth of a hand and the tinkle of a single jingle bell. I even find joy within my own darkened soul if I look hard enough.

I hope you find that joy too. This is my wish for you this holiday season.

Peace be with you all...

Merely Me

-----------------------------------

Some light reading if you have the chance.

David Letterman I'm not but hey I tried. If you want a little humor please read my Top Ten Reasons Why it is Okay to be Depressed this Holiday Season.

One reason I am especially grateful this Christmas is...I have no new lesions. This is especially miraculous considering I have opted to not take any of the MS drugs. You can read about my news here.

If you are depressed here are some ideas of how to feel motivated to get up and move.

When you have a chronic illness such as Multiple Sclerosis, it is easy to neglect other aspects of your health. Here I talk about my first ever mammogram. If you are a woman who is over forty, I would urge you to have this routine screening done. I know it seems like a pain but it could ultimately save your life.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

That happens to be one of my favorite David Bowie songs along with Young American. What's yer favorite David Bowie song? Don't you dare say Rebel Rebel.

So I have been thinking see...

And what I am thinking is that I want to make some big 'ol changes to my blog for the New Year. It is time to freshen up a bit.

The one major change I will make is a name change. Not sure what I want to call my blog yet but anything to do with diseases is O-U-T. I am all about synchronicities and I have many stories to tell. But my stories are a bit sacred to me. I think I am gonna hold on to them for awhile and wait for the right time to share them with the rest of the world.

What is it I am trying to say here?

I am not my disease. I am not Multiple Sclerosis. I am me. I want a title reflective of my strengths. I wish to focus on mental health... physical wellness...and survival. To be honest, my view of things is, diseases are dreadfully boring. But people are exciting. It isn't what happens to us that is so important but what we do with what we are given.

Who am I?

I am a writer first and foremost. And a survivor. I know how to survive stuff really well. Me and the cockroaches...we are gonna be here when the world ends.

It has been somewhat of a struggle for me this year...adapting to having MS. I hate MS. I really do. It is emotionally difficult for me to both read and write about this topic. But I will continue to do so in hopes that my experience may help someone else. For me...this is my prime motivation. I really wish to focus on my path and minimize or eliminate all the meaningless clutter which can pervade my spirit.

Not sure if any of this makes sense. But I do like the idea of a new focus and direction for my blog. I love creating new things and engaging in transformation.

I want to get excited about the new year. I wish to focus upon joy.

And on that note...I am gonna share some of my writing here with you
now.

It seems like one of the cliches in the MS world is that if you get diagnosed with this disease you gotta immediately run a marathon or climb a mountain to prove your worth. Um...I don't think so. The smiley people climbing rocks on the Rebif boxes must be aliens from another planet. Perhaps some are inspired by the chicken soup for the soul type stories of mountain climbing MSers but not me. Perhaps I am the alien here who knows. You can find my biased opinion on such matters here.

If you have ever suffered from depression then you understand the feeling of intertia. For me it means a lack of desire and motivation to get up and do things. It is a horrible feeling of being stuck. I have written a two part series about the lack of motivation and mobilization present in depression and what to do about it. You may find Part One of my series right here.

I do hope you stop by to read and/or comment. And I want to thank all of you who join the conversation with me over at Health Central. The interview with Doctor Shock was especially enlightening and is still going on. I really appreciate all those who have shared their experiences. You are definitely going to help others and hey...that is what it is all about.

Addendum: Just to let you know...everyone's links are still intact...just scroll down and I am sure you will run into yourself. I am just in the process of changing the focus of my blog is all. So not to worry. :>)

Stuff Santa Never Brought Ya...

You were probably good...maybe a little naughty...but why didn't Santa bring you everything on your list? There was always something Santa seemed to forget.

I can name three things that I wanted but never got from Santa from when I was a kid.

1. A Big Wheel! My best friend had a large family and so she had several of these hanging out in her backyard. Lived on a hill and it was so much fun to go careening down the hill and come to think of it...possibly into traffic! Perhaps this is why I never got one. Did you have one of these as a kid?



2. A Snoopy Snow Cone Machine! Okay the need for this is so obvious...who would not want snow cones every day of the year? I mean seriously. They still make these and I found one at Wall Mart a year or two ago and I bought it for myself for Christmas. Okay so...um...it was a little hard to keep grinding down the ice but it was fun! Who wants a cherry snow cone?



3. And I also always wanted a tape recorder. This was in the days before karaoke and I wanted to sing into it. I finally bought one for myself when I was 13 by doing a paper route to make money. I used it to death!



So what did you ask from Santa that you never got? Do tell all!

And now for some serious stuff!

Do you know anything about electroconvulsive therapy? Well I didn't know much about this controversial treatment for mental disorders including depression either. So I asked fellow blogger and psychiatrist Doctor Shock to help explain this type of therapy. It is simply a fascinating interview and not to be missed. Please do stop by to read and/or comment. You may find my interview with Doctor Shock right here.

Remember Monty Python and the ministry of silly walks? Well I have developed my own repetoire of silly walks due to the fact that I have Multiple Sclerosis. Not to belittle this disease in any way...all serious business but...I do laugh at myself in how my symptoms manifest. I created a video so that others could see the symptom called "foot drop" up close and personal. Please do stop by and see my video making and sometimes comedic efforts. Please forgive me ahead of time for my lame joke.

You may find my video about foot drop right here.

Have a great evening, afternoon, day, week...etc and so forth!

Yours truly,

The One and Only Merely Me (Don't be fooled by copy cats or cheap imitators)

The Magic Dictionary says...

First off I wanted to thank you guys for all the Happy Birthday wishes! I did have a most splendid 44th birthday and I still have cake...with icing. It is taking all my will power not to eat the whole damn thing.

So many of you asked for answers to life's most perplexing problems with the aid of my very special Magic Dictionary.

I shall start with Foamy's question about her toes:

Foam asks: "why are my feet always toasty warm the whole day long, but the minute i hop into bed they turn into icicles and my husband won't let me warm them up on his legs? why?"
foam dear...your word is
"shivery" no lie! This word seems to best describe your popsicle toes. The meaning of which is to be marked by a low temperature. Toast them tosies up before getting into bed! They are probably cold because you aren't using them enough under the sheets. :>)

Next up is Stephen Parrish who asks: "My question for the Magic Dictionary is: Will I get a book deal in 2009?"

Stephen...The Magic Dictionary advises you to be "heedful" which means cautiously attentive. Be aware of your surroundings...and maybe something good will happen!

Our next question asker is Dee Jay who wants to know: "As for your Magic Dictionary, can it tell me if I will actually have the nerve to retire next year?"

Drum roll please... The Magic Dictionary advises you to "justify" why you wish to retire. Maybe that way you can convince yourself or un convince yourself to do so.

Curt in Colorado asks

"Will I find a new friend who doesn’t mind that I have no hair and smell of Elderberries?"

Hmm...very curiously The Magic Dictionary suggests for you to "knock over" any new friends to determine their worth. Perhaps the smell of elderberries will knock them over for you!

Next up is Teresa who asks:

"Will I sell my book to a major publishing house?"

The Magic Dictionary suggests you become a "Hessian" or a free lance fighter! Fight for your right to write girl!

Eric1313 wants to know:

"How successful will the new president be at stemming this low tide and bringing back at least a measure of confidence in not just our economy, but in our place as a world leader?"

The Magic Dictionary says that our president will "educate" the world.

And last but not least, Eric Donald France wants to know...

Q: How is the John Coltrane house doing in Philly?

Not sure what you are meaning but the magic dictionary feels that this house is "moldable." Are there renovations being done?

Whew...the Magic Dictionary is spent. It will lie in rest until the next round of questioners tests its magical powers.

Do you know what time it is now?

But of course it is the hour of the Great Tossing of Links Your Way!

Here...catch one or two!

Wanna be happy? Release your need for a certain outcome! Come and see what in the hell I am talking about here. I feel it is one of my better writings. I do hope you can stop by to read.

Have you ever wondered what it is like to tell your kids you have a life long chronic illness? Well wonder no more. I tell it like it is with this post on Health Central's Multiple Sclerosis site. A tearful Lifetime movie we are not. My family is more like the Roseanne Show.


Please oh pretty please come by to comment. I will let you ask my Magic Dictionary more questions if you do. How can you resist?

I'm the Birthday Girl!

Happy Birthday to meeeee!

Yep that's right...Merely Me turns 25 tomorrow. Uh...well...I mean 44!

My birthday is Wednesday December the tenth for anyone interested. I accept virtual chocolate...no calories that way.

I am a moldy oldie. Heh heh!

What I love about this birthday is it involves the double digits of my favorite lucky number. So this has got to be the best year ever for me. I mean really...it just HAS to get better. Just think...I have already dealt with most life crises...what else can happen? Don't answer that.

Let's play a game shall we? I haven't done this in a long time. On a former blog I would play the Ask the Magic Dictionary a Question. I swears...my special dictionary can answer all your questions. Nonsensically of course. I will go first since I am the birthday girl.

Magic Dictionary...I call upon your Special alphabetized powers to tell me if...I will have a good (as defined by no major crises...oh like health or financial problems) year?

The Magic Dictionary says..."nut" as defined by an insanely foolish person!

The audacity of the dictionary to insult me so! But it is probably true. LOL

If you too want to test the powers of my Magic Dictionary...leave a question in my comments and I shall read your fortune in a one word answer.

---------------------------

Okay and now to other matters such as my writing. Listen...I gotta promote myself somehow. Someone has to do it! But first I want to promote someone else here.

Vicki Bridges. She has a wonderful blog about Multiple Sclerosis. I personally find her to have one of the best MS blogs out there as far as delivering information in a fair and objective manner. Vicki has a journalism degree and it shows. I have a lot of respect for her as a writer, a mother, and how she has coped with having this disease.

Here is a link to Vicki's personal blog Down the MS Path.

Vicki had graciously allowed me to interview her for Health Central and here is where you can read about her experience with having MS.

As you all probably know...I suffer from depression. And I write about it. I wrote a little piece some time ago about what the experience can be like. It is a very deeply felt and personal view of me. I hope you do read it. You can find my writing here.

I do hope you can stop by to read and comment. That would be the best birthday present ever! But never better than chocolate. Chocolate trumps all things.

Silly question for the day!

It is time to extinguish the gloom!

Let us entertain ourselves with silly questions.

Here is one now.

What animal would you most like to be reincarnated into for your next life?

I am thinking a cat for me. I can totally relate to cats, especially the constant meowing for food. MEEEROWWWW! I also like naps and lieing in the sun.

Or maybe a squirrel. I like their frolics through the woods and racing up and down trees. Teasing dogs would be great fun as well. Hopefully I would also be a smart squirrel and be careful in traffic.

What are your thoughts? What animal would you come back as?

Thoughts of winter...

It gets so dark so early now.

My mind grows dark as well.

That Simon and Garfunkel song runs through my thoughts...

"A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island."

So if you were a rock which type of rock would you be? I would be one of those white pebbles you pluck out of your shoe.




On a lighter note...Never sneeze while eating broccoli. I did tonight and it ain't pretty.

Time for links. Please stop by if you can.

First up. Have you ever tried to hide your depression only to find that you and your mood is absolutely visible to everyone including strangers? It is very disconcerting to find out how visible your sadness can be. Here is my story.

Secondly...SEX. That's right. I am talking sex and MS. I know...you don't want to hear about that second part. well tough noogies. Wrote an article about how MS can affect things like sex and intimacy. Don't be afraid. Come by and comment if you dare. You can find my post here.

Come visit me. Even rocks need company now and then.

Panic Attacks, Karaoke, and More Links!

Hi guys

I wanted to talk about a neurological experience I had over the weekend. My son had some friends over to try out our new Wii fit game. This will be the topic of another post. So his friends took turns running in place as part of the game. The noise was loud but not too loud. But for some reason that sound made my neurological symptoms go awry in an awful horrible way.

Upon hearing that thundering repetitive sound of feet running overhead, I began to feel true panic. I have had a few panic attacks in my day usually from a thought in my head. I have felt fear while in crowded places like a wave pool or crowded supermarket. Gee...now my fear doesn't seeem so irrational based upon what happened to that poor worker who was trampled at Wall Mart in New York. That is probably my worst nightmare. Anyways...this one was was bad and immediate.

I began to see flashing lights in my periphery (usually this is an aura that I will have MS symptoms). I felt frozen in fear and could barely talk. My flight instinct kicked in and when I was able, I darted to my bathroom and closed the door and began to cry because I couldn't stand the feelings I was experiencing. And then my right side began to convulse.

When I asked my friend about this...she has three kids who have epilepsy...she told me this was totally understandable as her kids have a reaction to both visual and auditory stimulation which is repetitive.

Then when I was in Wallmart of all places (I simply have to avoid this place completely) the lights there which flash repetitively at the check outs...almost sent me into having an episode.

Definitely something neurological is taking place. Not sure what to call it but it is no fun when it happens. And the panic I felt was absolutely horrible. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Always something new and fun to deal with!

On a completely different note...

I treated myself to an early Christmas present. I bought new karaoke songs on-line. I have a thing for karaoke. And I love to collect the music. For like fifty bucks I bought a collection with 2002 songs. That's right...two thousand and two songs! I was very excited. I now have everything from Cabaret to Suffragette City.

What present would you like to buy for yourself? Go ahead...you deserve it! hee hee!

And now...writing links:

I was asked to write a post about the organization called Embrace with Grace whose mission is to get people discussing a very difficult topic. The topic is end of life wishes. I must say...it was very difficult for me too but I finally did do it. With kids and all it is the responsible thing to do. Anyways...you can read my post about how to initate such a conversation here.

And you simply must check out our Nadja in her interview for Health Central! She did a fabulous job I must say. Come check her out here.


Lastly I want to tell you that I will be coming by to visit your blogs and leave kaboodles of comments! Or at least that is my plan. Please forgive me for not coming by more often. I want to definitely make it up to you.