I am in need of Christmas cheer my good friends. I need a little pixi dust, a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, perhaps a little spiked eggnog.
I seem to get this way every holiday season starting with Thanksgiving and cumulating in the big Christmas day.
All the Christmas shoulds lurk in a corner waiting to pounce at unexpected times to tell you how you are supposed to feel at this time of year.
And I love Christmas really. But I hate it too. My love hate relationship with this holiday goes way back. I have so many dark Christmas memories of there being no Christmas because my mother had to be hospitalized. Or adulthood memories of trying to meet everyone's unmet needs. Travelling to multiple houses just to be told in so many words of someone's disappointment in you or your gift.
Each year Christmas sneaks up on me. I want to celebrate all its nuances. I want to go ice skating. Now with having MS I dare not even try. I want to bake cookies. I have not baked a one yet this year. I suppose there is still time. A friend is coming today to bring some. I am grateful. I didn't even send Christmas cards this year...the very first year I have not done so.
All these vestiges of Christmas will not help me to find what I truly wish for and that is peace.
I turn on the TV and all I see are images of murder or destruction. Then there are the news shows who seem to celebrate all that is wrong with mankind in the creation of a who dunnit mystery show. Someone's life was taken. And we watch from the comfort of our living room as part of our entertainment.
I went to the mall during the hubbub of recent weeks. The throngs of people buying things they probably couldn't afford for the sake of a "giving" holiday began to make me feel a little ill. I point no fingers, I was one of them.
I write for a health site. I also answer questions there. Some of the questions rip my heart out. Like the wife of a man who has Primary Progessive Multiple Sclerosis. She reached out one day in a comment on one of my posts. I wanted to help her so very much. But I knew I couldn't. Hell...I couldn't even enlist support for her. And then there is the more recent question I chose to answer about a girlfriend who is basically wondering when her boyfriend might die from his aggressive Primary Progressive MS. While we all sit around eating our plum pudding or worrying about our links, this woman has to think about whether or not she has to put her boyfriend into hospice care. Her question was beautiful in its authenticity. I just feel so...damn powerless.
Yet there is joy to be found, despite the darkness. I find it in my children's faces. And in the glow of christmas tree lights on a still dark night. I find it in the warmth of a hand and the tinkle of a single jingle bell. I even find joy within my own darkened soul if I look hard enough.
I hope you find that joy too. This is my wish for you this holiday season.
Peace be with you all...
Merely Me
-----------------------------------
Some light reading if you have the chance.
David Letterman I'm not but hey I tried. If you want a little humor please read my Top Ten Reasons Why it is Okay to be Depressed this Holiday Season.
One reason I am especially grateful this Christmas is...I have no new lesions. This is especially miraculous considering I have opted to not take any of the MS drugs. You can read about my news here.
If you are depressed here are some ideas of how to feel motivated to get up and move.
When you have a chronic illness such as Multiple Sclerosis, it is easy to neglect other aspects of your health. Here I talk about my first ever mammogram. If you are a woman who is over forty, I would urge you to have this routine screening done. I know it seems like a pain but it could ultimately save your life.
24 comments:
Merry Christmas!
Even the people you mention will take what joy they can from each other. So should we. Joy to your World! :)
Merry Christmas. The spirit of Christmas is giving presents and family gatherings. However it is hard for some who is unable to have similar joy. At times like these, we are to be thankful. :)
Merry Christmas.
It may be a cliche, but really no truer words spoken.
It's been a tough year all around, but we can and do persevere. It's times like these that can make just the pure joy on a child's face lift your spirits to the heavens.
George
you know, merelyme ..
i know what you mean about meeting the expectations of what christmas should be. i think because there is soooooo much normal hard daily living that needs to be taken care of during this hectic time of the year many of us go into a funk because we let the pressure of what we think the holidays should be about build up. but we need to just not worry about that. i am in my second year of not sending xmas cards. i haven't baked a single cookie either. and it really doesn't matter .. really ..
and yes, the news is depressing. it is so year round, and esp. this year ..
well anyways, merelyme ..
i really just came over to wish you and your family a merry christmas ..
XO
you guys are great...you really are.
i hope you all have a wonderful christmas.
*Hugs*
Just popped in to say Hello and to wish you a merry christmas - and to say I hope you have the best of new years.
Sometimes I think that sending out our energy in the form of compassion is the least and the best that we can do. And I think that this is no small thing.
So take heart in the compassion that you send out to others. And in that, find peace.
Joyous Yule to you!
Merely Me-
I understand your love hate relationship with the holiday I have it too.
I wish I had won the lottery so I could send you and Mew to an island somewhere where you can sit in the sunshine and just relax.
All I can do is know you and Mew are in my thoughts and I hope you both have a great holiday.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!
Have a wonderful Christmas and I hope all is well with you and your boys over the holiday period
I look forward to your posts again in the New Year
D
x
I get your state of mind. I'm there too. I continue to fight depression and anxiety but I am currently determined not to try any new meds so I'm trying to work through this myself as best I know how.
I didn't send christmas cards either. It is a nice gesture but they end up in landfills or recycle quickly enough. We have a solid income but money is still tight. I try not to think too much about one of us getting laid off because the idea makes me rather ill.
Hang in there sister. Perhaps as the light returns and the new year begins we will both feel better.
May this one be a blessed one for you, dear friend. I suffer from thee same ambivalence and I find what works for me is to keep it small.
I'm with Susan, my dear.
May you have a wonderful holiday, filled with peace, love, light and continued improved health.
I think many of us "adults" could use an extra shot of cheer this Christmas for a variety of reasons.
Yester day is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
And whatever else...
Merry Christmas to all at your end of the internet!
Merry Christmas and you inspire me, too! We all have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I have horrible memories of Christmas when I was with my EX, so I could understand where you are coming from.
Hope all is well and I am looking forward to seeing your New Blog!!
Merry, Merry, Joy, joy,
We opted out of the customary Christmas many years ago and we are better for it. Eve we made the trip to the mother in laws. It is her first Christmas since the passing of her man of fifty years. But her house was packed with grand children and great grand children. Mom was quiet as one would expect.
For Christmas we are doing Greek burgers on the grill and will have people in and out but not a lot of hoopla.
Season's greetings, writer girl! I've been coming over occasionally and reading here and at health central. I'm beginning to get the feeling, particularly, with the stated goal of redoing your blog name, and stating that writing about MS, Depression, your mother's illness is difficult for you, that you might need to expand the writing to other topics that don't center on these health topics. I always have felt you should try some fiction. Have you done any of that? My sense is that your expertise and indeed being called "an expert" in MS, Depression, etc...doesn't really sit well with you. I think you should listen to that discomfort as you listen to your body for other things. If you don't want to be identified as a disease writer, perhaps working on some other topics might balance out things? Anyway, my lucy five cents. Once again, unsolicited!
The word "Hospice" makes me want to puke. I know it all too well. One day, when I can muster up the balls, I will post my feelings about Hospice. As for MS.....it's affected my family for 20+ years. I hate it. I despise it. As for Christmas......it was a good one this year just because my precious mother is still alive and smiling! :-)
Hi there, I haven't dropped in in awhile (dealing with my own holiday funk). I hope you're feeling better.
I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile: Every time I return to your blog, I'm impressed by how you've changed it up, expanded it, and grown a following. You're doing good work here on the Net with your blogging. I remember when you were getting started!
So, kudos to you, and have a great 2009! Cheers, Lisa
d, you cope magnificently
blessings to you and yours, m'dear....
Peace be with you, too, and here's to the best of wishes & good works in '009!
It is hard to have this forced jollyness when one is faced with dire health issues or depressing news. I tend to grab the tiny moments, avoid the news, keep away from the shops, and try to make presents or cards.
I hope you were not overwhelmed with expectations and the shoulds and enjoyed some special moments that gave you some joy this season.
all the best
jafabrit
It is a depressing time of year. I am not as depressed as I have known in the past. I just sit and hope it is over soon.
When I was the minister of a church I was at the center of Christmas celebrations now I am alone, too remote to even go volunteer somewhere. The best I got was a last minute backhand invitation to my son's place. I called back and turned it down.
Being alone with my dog and a couple of good books was OK.
Another late comment, Merely Me. I wrote on this stuff on your health website. I so can relate to all the things you're feeling. I feel exactly the same way. Christmas shouldn't be the worst time of the year, should it? But it is. I fully understand you.
Post a Comment