Friday morning pages

Friday morning. and what do i have to say for myself? had a good night's sleep. this is good. so much time spent sleeping...might as well make it good deep sleep. i am dreaming a lot now. i go through phases of sleep. of course when i am the most troubled my sleep is light and interrupted and i wake up feeling like hell. not today. i feel like i can do things.


i am almost afraid to talk of good moods because i know they can be fleeting. i feel like the main character in flowers for algernon. have you ever read that book? well...instead of IQ...we are talking about mood. i am afraid that i will wake up and find myself right where i started. and this is probably reality. depression has a way of slowly creeping back into your system.
i do want to talk about all this.

i am tip toeing around it. afraid to talk because i may jinx myself.

when you feel like shit and people tell you to be grateful for "now," you don't want to hear it. more so...you are incapable. the now you are experiencing is not something you want to be involved with. everywhere your mind goes...past, present, or future....is not a good experience. you just feel trapped and want out of any time module.

i don't know what normal is but i can sorta guess. i think normal folk have selective amnesia. they are able to "forget" things far more easily. they say depressives are more in touch with reality...we absorb it and stay there. anyways...i am experiencing being able to have selective amnesia right now. i don't have to remember and re-experience every damn bad memory or mood. i can forget i have MS for the moment. i mean...i don't forget forget. symptoms jar me out of my slumber. but...i don't have to dwell in the fear area.

this is all very hard to explain.

i need to write this better.

i am touching and not diving in.

there is a lot now to get excited about. i have interests. i had forgotten them. i love music for one thing. i have a keyboard. oh to have a real piano. what a luxury that would be. i used to work in a church basement for a big 'ol prestigious hospital. yep...you got that right. the prestigious well known hospital had us work in a church basement. probably has something to do with our population of folk with mental retardation and mental illness. those who are dually diagnosed....they always seem to get hidden away from view along with their caretakers.

anyways...this church basement had a piano down there. i would purposefully go there early in the morning so i could play it privately. oh i loved that. and before you ask...no...hell no...i am not good! i had taught myself to read notes and play. i have a hell of a stack of dan coates easy play song books. and so i sat there in the vaccuous church and played on this old sticky coated out of tune piano and i had a ball. i miss it so. not working there...lol....but the piano and my time of solitude.

now i have a keyboard and i just bought myself some new sheet music. and i can't wait to dive in.

what things have you forgotten? what would you like to remember? what did you used to do which gave you pleasure? if it is possible...go back and try it again...or maybe in a different capacity. it is okay to let go and to enjoy a minute...five minutes...more of your life. it is okay.

more to come...

consistently inconsistent

okay so it isn't morning. it is actually early evening here. but nonetheless...i wanted to just ramble a bit for my "morning pages" ala the artist way.

i have concluded about myself that i am, at best, consistently inconsistent. i write myself little post-it notes. i write lists. i write tons of goals. i try to be organized. i try to be disciplined and scheduled.

but...

i must not be wired that way. lol

my rollercoaster moods, my fluctuating energy levels, my crazy life...prevents me from maintaining a consistent existence. and i really want one. some people would be bored with normalcy and sameness. i am striving for it. i want calm. i want peace. i want ritual and routine.

yeah...i am not one to want adrenaline rushes. i have gotten them my whole life just by living my life. i am ready for ease and quiet and....gentleness. no more storms. please.

ya know? can you relate?

anyways...i am trying to create habits and rituals to sustain me psychologically, spiritually, and physically. writing my thoughts here...in this streamy way was to be one habit.

on another note. my blogroll is smaller. people come...people go. some folk take breaks from blogging. all of a sudden there is this realization that...time is short. is this how i want to spend my time? is this meaningful? is it worth it? well...for me....the answer is YES!

some bloggers...i think they don't know what they want and blogging becomes a meaningless obsession...to collect comments and/or people like objects. the bigger the better. for some it is to feed an ego...it is easy to grand stand here. and yet for others...it is a portal to a world of people...who become friends...it is a way to stay connected and to stay sane.

i write here because i love to write and...i really enjoy you all. i like to get to know people in a meaningful way. i get such joy coming here and feeling at home...feeling like someone else is out there who has shared some of these wacky experiences and....can empathize. i am not alone. and likewise...i can give here. i hope i do. i feel my life has meaning because i share it.

let's face it...life is hard. friendships are hard to sustain. here...you don't get to see my messy house...the fact that i am wearing sweats and slippers and...that i have no energy to serve you tea and crumpets.....whatever they are. lol i can come and go here as i please.

i can give you my heart and soul....in words. and this...can be sustaining and fullfilling.

so yeah...inconsistent or not...i want to keep on writing here. and i hope you do too.

so much to say

i am reminded of that dave matthew's song...do you know it?

"And my hell is the closet Im stuck inside
Cant see the light
And my heaven is a nice house in the sky
Got central heating and Im alright
Yeah yeah yeah cant see the light
Keep it locked up inside dont talk about it
Talk about the weather
Yeah yeah yeah cant see the light

Open up my head and let me out little baby

Here we have been standing for a long long time
Treading trodden trails for a long long time

I find sometimes its easy to be myself
Sometimes I find better to be somebody else

So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say"

i feel...opened up. alive. good even. lol

and there is so much to talk about.

i think i want to talk about mood. whatever i am doing in my life...mood has been such an overwhelming force. mood has colored all of my visions, actions, dreams, and self perspective. i am feeling good at the moment and so this is a perfect time to stand back and to take stock, and to reflect upon things from this side.

and there is much i want to say.

i am just thinking out loud. what do you think more defines a person....is it the challenges one has to face or is it how the individual handles those challenges?

i have met folks who have gone through some of the same life experiences as i have yet we can be as different as night and day. so there is something more to people than what happens to them. what is that something more which makes us unique from one another?

hello. i am a nameless blog writer floating in the nether regions of cyberspace. i could be your neighbor, your friend, your sibling, or co-worker. i am but one of many people out there who suffers with a mood disorder.

and i am ready to talk about it.

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!

Well here it is already. The big turkey day. wow. I can't say that I am ready. I began to feel stressed yesterday while shopping for a birthday present for my eldest son. Christmas was surrounding me.

Christmas was suffocating me!

I remember one year going to this out of the way mall before Christmas. It was what I called the "cheap mall." I should have also dubbed it....the depressing mall. It symbolized to me....everything not christmas. Most of the people there looked like they couldn't afford food let alone to be buying presents. The dimly lit florescence and old popcorn smell to the place added to it's non-ambiance. I remember sinking more into myself...slumping with each step. This wasn't Christmas. This was an abomination. I rushed out of there....I couldn't stand it.

I felt this feeling return yesterday when I was in Target. I began to feel this sense of emptiness and quite frankly my MS was kicking in and I was feeling dizzy and insulated. The shoppers began to blur and I couldn't wait to leave.

I am reminded of the Charlie Brown Christmas special where Charlie Brown asks Linus about the meaning of Christmas. And Linus says...

Charlie Brown: [shouting in desperation] Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?

Linus Van Pelt: Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you. Lights, please. [a spotlight shines on Linus]

Linus Van Pelt: "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'". That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie brown.

The other day when I woke up...my youngest son left me with a suprise by the computer. It did remind me of the Charlie Brown show. There is definitely one person in this house who has not forgotten the true meaning of christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Tuesday Morning Pages

a habit. a ritual. a part of my being.

to write.

sometimes i am afraid of it, the exposure, the firmness of putting words to paper. thinking and dreaming out loud bears a risk.

i want to say it is well worth it.

we accept things, we take them for granted. we writers think that we can just pull words out of a hat and make them sing. ssometimes there is nothing there and we have to deal with the empty part of us. that part seems to be the most frightening to me. what if there is truly nothing there? what if all my thoughts and feelings have slithered down the drain? what if i have to sit here and endure my own silence?

it is all about perspective of course. at other times i wish to silence the cacophony of images, residue of emotions, and a never ending stream of words. i am either running to or from. i need to settle here...get comfortable with being in constant motion even when still. we all move or are moved. stillness is a mirage. time moves us whether we wish to go or not.

peacefulness. how do i know what it is if i don't experience it?

water. i hear water. for real. my young son is doing something. an accident or mess waiting to happen. always something. my guard is always up. i haven't been able to relax in....ohhhh almost twelve years now. how is that for a very real detail? concrete.

i choose to be here.

does it make it okay? no, not always. life wrings us out like old smelly washrags.

smile. it is all fine. eat a ball of sunshine.....and glow.

The Sunday Meme

I haven't posted a meme in a long time.

This meme comes from a strange magazine I got in the mail about movies. They have this questionnaire they give to Bill Murray which had originated from when Tiger Beat magazine created a set of interview questions for the Monkees (remember them?) in 1967. Here are some of the questions:

1. What is your favorite flower?

2. What word in the English language do you wish you had invented?

3. What do you miss about your childhood?

4. What is the main fault in your character?

5. Describe how you kiss in one word.

6. What in the world do you least desire.

7. Finish this sentence. "Happiness is a thing called....."

New & Improved!

I have been thinking about how to jazz up my blog here and I think the best way is to create good content. I just love how we can sort things by category tags now and I intend to take full advantage of it.

My blog...by title...identifies me as a person having both synchronicities and MS. But of course I am so much more than this and my blog will represent my multi-faceted self.

I shall present to you, my reader, with a virtual buffet of delights and general helpfulness. lol I am so full of it.

Anyways here are my ideas:

1. General Writing Categories:

* Stream of Consciousness or in other words, Artist Way Morning Pages

* Letters to the Muse: Writing about my life experiences

* Poetry

* Synchronicities

2. About blogging:

* Blog Spotlight: Where I will introduce you to bloggers and blogs I happen to like.

* Memes/Question of the Day

3. Multiple Sclerosis:

* MS Diary

* Symptoms and ways to help with them. If there is one thing I am good at it is research.

* Exercise

* Eating well/supplements

* Ways to keep the brain active

* Inspiration/Peaceful moment/Relaxation

* Ways of coping: HUMOR

4. FUN!

* Movies

* Music

* Food

* Books

* Photos

* Videos

5. Mood

* Writing from the well

* Ways to help and cope

That should cover just about everything. What do you think?

how about a little nirvana...

i want an easy friend....

writing writing

i want to start free style writing again. you know like from the artist way book...morning pages...stream of consciousness...whatever comes to mind. it is a good practice to get into if you like to write. there is a great freedom here in allowing the words to just spill out onto the page. no pressure...no expectations...meander and roam at will.

okay so you get the gist. like a diary. sort of.

diary...wow...i haven't truly had a diary since i was a young teen. i would write these lists of things i wanted to buy. i had a paper route and i would so look forward to getting paid so i could buy music. albums. like...real albums. they were so big weren't they? now everything is small. teeny tiny things. back then the idea of having a zillion songs stored on an ipod would have seemed...well...nuts.

speaking of small things...i think our attention spans are smaller too. i know mine is. i am used to all this disjointed information coming from all kinds of sources...sound bites...quick little *pop* *pop* *pop* in your face bits and pieces of the world. and most of the information...we don't even care about. someone is telling us we should care. it is too much. so we shut down and end up not being able to attend to anything.

i don't even know how to relax anymore. we need books for this to tell us how. sad really. we always think we should be doing something. evidently right now we are to be concerned about the holidays and getting everything done right now! i don't want to. i want to sit here and really get into thanksgiving.

it is like our lives are not to be enjoyed but each event is something to hurry through and get done with.

i want my time.

i want to slow.....down.....time.

long ago i went for a vacation in lancaster pennsylvania. i know...i am an odd bird. but...i love the amish. i do. always have. i have a deep respect for them. it is such blasphemy that they are a tourist attraction...the exact opposite of what they are supposed to be all about. however...i stayed on a farm in amish country. the farmer and his family were not amish but...it was close enough for me to savor the experience. i remember sitting outside on the big 'ol porch on the porch swing. oh how i love me a porch swing. and...i was almost freaked out by...number one...how dark it was...no street lamps glaring...no bright lights...no nothing. and secondly...it was so damn quiet. you have to understand i came from the city where every night was a cacophony of sounds...the boom boxes in cars thumping...the sirens blaring...fireworks...train whistles...the whole shebang.

so the quiet of that little farm was...unnerving.

but i like it.

it is that way in my mind too. so much noise, distraction, and chaos. it is so hard to be still.

it is okay to be quiet. it is okay to let the worries wait. it is okay to...not think of anything important. it is okay to let yourself be.

but so terribly hard.

let go this evening with me. still your mind and just be.

tell me how it goes.

Photo Time!

Let me see here...what do I have in my photo larder?


The first is a photo taken just a week ago. It was a beautiful fall day.

The next one is me resting while my sister shopped at some boutique.

And the last is me trying to drive a boat. I had never done it before.

Recent Reflections

not to worry...this is not going to be one of my heartfelt and in depth posts. my brain feels like a fried egg...so i am just going to blather on about nothing in particular.

Reflection #1:

am i the only one who fails the word verification thingie ma bobs? what is wrong with me? can i tell you that i loathe them? i understand their importance, however. who needs spam? but man they are annoying. if i wasn't dyslexic before i think i am now.

Reflection #2:

what is with jerry seinfeld? we don't see him for a decade or more and he comes back like unwanted body hair. you know the bee movie is gonna suck. why...why...why jerry...do you need to come back this way? and those constant interruptions into good shows like the office...of his not funny shorts and promos for the bee movie...just stop it. stop it now.

Reflection #3:

we are still eating the halloween candy and i found christmas candy at the bottom. give me a break! what did people do....save their kid's christmas stocking candy and give it out for halloween? perhaps that is better than the dude who gave out orange vitamin water to the kids this year. gee...thanks.

well....that was taxing. time to rest. feel free to add any of your own "reflections" to my list.

smell ya later,
merelyme

The results are almost in...

not sure why blogger limits you to seven days for a poll but works for me i suppose.

so ya wanna see more photos and hear more stories about my life eh? i can definitely do this. there certainly is a lot to cover since i am as old as the hills! i just love saying that for some reason. maybe i am trying to de-sensitize myself to my growing age.

hopefully there is a certain freedom to growing older. i can be as funky and as weird as i want and i have an excuse. and certainly i will be more amusing as i grow older. isn't that how it works?

you ever notice that men's ears get bigger when they get older? or is it that their heads are shrinking? just saying...

i definitely want to be the wacky old person that all the children love. "hey let's visit gramma and her llama farm!"

okay okay enough of this.

i am still alive and kicking and relatively young and vibrant. even though my body is telling me otherwise.

i have big plans for my blog. i need more decor...more flamboyance...more feng shui...not sure how to spell that. well...actually i just want to make this the best damn blog ever! oh by the way...i am taking something for my depression...something natural...the SAM-e stuff i spoke about and i think it is working. might kick me into my more...ummm...up side but i like it.

i feel good. and why not? i deserve to feel good sometimes.

and if i had some magic pixi dust i would make you all feel good too. and well you should.

the world is our oyster.

seize the day.

gather ye rosebuds.

and all that jazz...

so tell me how you all are spending this weekend? i am off to do chores in a minute.

toodles for now...
me

Building a mystery

i was playing some of my old CD's and re-discovered this song. i love it so.



here are the lyrics:

Sarah McLachlan - Building A Mystery Lyrics

You come out at night
That's when the energy comes
And the dark side's light
And the vampires roam
You strut your rasta wear
And your suicide poem
And a cross from a faith that died
Before Jesus came
You're building a mystery

You live in a church
Where you sleep with voodoo dolls
And you won't give up the search
For the ghosts in the halls
You wear sandals in the snow
And a smile that won't wash away
Can you look out the window
Without your shadow getting in the way?

You're so beautiful
With an edge and charm
but so careful
When I'm in your arms

Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears
And hold back your tears, oh
Give us a tantrum
And a know it all grin
Just when we need one
When the evening's thin

You're a beautiful
A beautiful fucked up man
You're setting up your
Razor wire shrine

Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

Ooh you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You're building a mystery

The day after

The day after a holiday is always a little depressing. Today the pumpkins are charred and beginning to sink into themselves. No longer needed they will get chucked into the woods behind the house. Poor jack-o-lanterns. Such loving care was taken to carve their personas...only to be discarded the next day.

Such are the seasons of life.

LOL

Here I am waxing philosophical about Halloween.

Of course you realize that this means we have to celebrate Christmas henceforth. It has always been this way hasn't it? Poor Thanksgiving doesn't stand a chance as a true holiday. All I know is this is the season for acquiring plumpitude. First there is the leftover halloween candy and then there is the bounty of food for Thanksgiving...big 'ol turkey legs and yummy sweet potatoes covered in sugary marshmallow and pies...ooooh I love pumpkin pie. Then comes the Christmas cookies and candies and....

Just roll me down a hill now.

No wonder we all hit the gym come January.

My birthday is coming too. I think because of my first installment of synchronicity stories...people think I am 40.

I AM HERE TO CLARIFY....I AM AS OLD AS THE HILLS. I will be 43 on December tenth. My synchronicity story merely began...when I was forty and there is still much to cover and guess what? It is all about MS. Yes I can stick to topic sometime.

I do hope my blog is not too strange and scattered and all over the place. Oh well. It is. I can't talk about MS constantly. Sorry...no can do. It isn't healthy for me to do so anyway. I am me and I want to talk about all sorts of things.

So who is having candy for breakfast raise your hand! ME! ME!