The word for today is...

"VISCERAL"

i dreamed of saying this word over and over and i reminded myself in the dream to remember this word upon awakening. and so i have.

thoughts?

The book I just finished reading...

Before I take it back to the library, I wanted to mention the book I just finished reading. It is simply called, Manic: A Memoir and was written by Terri Cheney. I found it totally engrossing and nowadays it takes a lot to keep my attention. The author writes well. She is brutally honest about what it is like for her to have bi-polar disorder and provides great detail about her experiences.

There was much of her experience which I could not relate to such as being a high powered lawyer and using lots of different medications and making multiple suicide attempts. Again, I am reminded that there is a continuum of mental health and while some aspects of one person to another may be similar...you just never can predict how things will manifest from one person to the next. Although I have not many of the author's experiences, I could definitely relate to many of her feelings.

I was appalled by how the system and particularly doctors and hospitals treated her. Having witnessed my mother's institutionalization many times, some of her stories brought back memories for me...not of being a patient myself, but of when I was a child and teenager waiting in a mental ward waiting room for my mother.

I applaud the author for her honesty. This book does not make her look like a saint but rather a very vulnerable human being who is constantly at battle with her moods. She must have had a guardian angel because each time she tried to kill herself, she was brought back to life. Some folk don't get the second chance.

Anyways...great book.

Here is a passage from it which illustrates her remarkable talent as a writer. She talks about her stay in a mental hospital and being forced to do puzzles as occupational therapy:

"Little things like a missing puzzle piece matter when you're no longer in control of your environment, when every decision is made for you, from what you eat to what you wear to when you sleep to whom you are allowed to associate with. I found myself jealously guarding my work in progress. It was my own little sphere of autonomy, however flawed and unfinished. In fact, despite all my efforts to be the perfect mental patient, I nearly lost my composure one day when I walked into the puzzle room and discovered one of the schizophrenics eating an ice cap off my Mt. McKinley. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" I demanded, forgetting that one should never confront a schizophrenic directly. It activated all his well-oiled alarms. "I was thirsty," he said, and I was so charmed by the Alice in Wonderland logic of that, I smiled and broke him off another piece.

Brilliant isn't it? Who needs to read fiction when true life gives you so much more.

More of this and that to come!

New MS symptom

Don't ya just love neurological disorders?

I think the excitement and thrill of it all lies in the wonder of what symptom is going to come out of the blue next.

Today I saw flashing lights. They literally grew out of my peripheral vision and enlarged to a waving sparkly zig-zaggy aura on my right side. I had seen this once before a month or so ago and it was followed by this tremendous surge in my head. Both phenomena are difficult to explain. This time...so far...no surge, but my right arm, hand, and leg, foot are affected and going weak and numb.

I tried to google this and found that people with migraines see this sort of thing prior to their having a migraine. I have never had a migraine in my life that I could feel anyway. I know some migraines are painless.

What to make of this? I do not know.

Anybody else have these symptoms ever? Wanna share?

PS: I changed my name back. What the hell was I thinking?

ch-ch-changes...

okay so i have been sprucing things up...er um...rather...simplifying and changing things ever so slightly. why i even changed my name. i am not sure if i will keep it but..."me2" seems good and simple enough. and it is easy to spell. if you have a better suggestion for a pseudonym for me...let me know.

i also got rid of my morning writer blog. every time i looked at it...it reminded me that i wasn't writing. and it also served as an excuse as in...i need a special place to write. i truly don't. i just need to write. so i will do my writing here.

there is a book i checked out from the library which i just ordered from amazon by natalie goldberg...old friend from far away. it is a book about how to write memoirs which is essentially what i do. i write about my life. it has wonderful exercises which i plan on doing right here and if you like you can join me. i will choose a day for this type of writing and i will try to make it a consistent feature.

of course i want to write more about mood and MS...and synchronicities. and all the other thoughts which pass through my wee little brain.

it is time for me to get re-focused and do the things which i truly enjoy...such as writing and connecting with you all. it helps me so much.

i realize despite my good intentions...i am erratic and unpredictable at best. i do hope you will stay on with me for the ride. and i want you to know how grateful i am for those who do just that.

okay...let's get this party started!

Ridiculous Question for the day...

Chocolate or sex?

If your loved one (or sex god or goddess as the case may be) offered you the very finest chocolate right now or the best sex in the world... which would you choose?

Me? I am choosing the chocolate. I think this statement captures my frame of mind right now.

It is time for a change

I don't write much on politics. As a matter of fact, I try to stay clear of discussing my views in public. I am not fond, at all, of political blogs. I find that they usually just preach to the choir or instigate meaningless diatribes which end up in personal insults.

Yet as this administration is coming to an end (and I am so damn grateful), I find myself becoming enraged. Beyond the rage is disgust.

I wonder to myself how anyone could want more of this? A recession, soaring gas prices, a war nobody wanted, unemployment, a miserable excuse for a health care system are but some of the legacies of this adminstration.

So many people wish to froth at the mouth, spewing their so called "values" without meaning or personal consequence. As though we can draw all these imaginary lines in the sand and designate some people as worthy and deserving of anything from rights to aid to social justice. And others...well they are out of luck because we wish to demonize segments of the population based on class, sexual orientation, the color of their skin, ethnic origin or anything else we deem as dissimilar to us. There are those who view the world as a cartoon with easily identifiable villians and heroes.

In the midst of all the verbal rhetoric and posturing there is real suffering going on. The country is falling apart. The response of this administration? I think Cheney summed it up oh so eloquently once with a simple..."so?"

Enough. It is time for a real change. And it can't happen soon enough for me.

Question for the day

What makes you get up in the morning?

I am not talking about your alarm clock. I am talking about what gives you a feeling of purpose and meaning so that you want to get up and start your day?

For me it is the tabula rasa concept of the blank slate. I can pretend to wipe the past days away and begin again with new promise. Doesn't really work that way but I can imagine it. I personally am grateful for the demarcation of days with nights of dreaming and unconsciousness. We always have a new day to begin again.

And of course...my kids. I get out of bed in the morning for my kids. I need them as much as they need me I suppose.

So what's your story morning glory?

'round and 'round

grab your partner here we go...dosey do...'round and 'round.

i am still very circular it seems. a circle is the perfect shape. infinity.

and who would forget the dream of german chemist August Kekule...his vision of a snake biting its tail, a dream that supposedly revealed the true structure of benzene.

and so it goes...

kurt vonnegut and billy pilgrim...unstuck in time...the inevitability of it all...time as a a circle.

pick a spot...any spot on the time line. it will be repeated. deja vu...you betcha. look at your kids and you will see it happen.

we know the chemical structure of benzene but why does it exist at all?

does anyone know? god...if there is one...okay i believe...must be seeing the same wars played out over and over and over...and he or she used as the basis for it all.

'round and 'round we go. the earth...still spins. amazing. we spin too...until we are so dizzy we feel we can't get up again. but we do. until the last breath of our cycle.

and so it goes...

Inventing quotes...

If you ever want to entertain yourself as I do...invent a quote!

Here is my attempt today:

The elegance of man does not rest upon the fact that he can stand upright, but more so that he can stand at all, despite the gales of nature and human nature which constantly threaten to bring him to his knees.

What can you come up with?

Totally Random

I will now post some totally random thoughts...just to warn you.

I don't iron. I have two irons though and an ironing board. Do people still iron? I just turn up the shower to the hottest and steam whatever needs de-wrinkling.

Was reminded of ironing when I got mesmorized by the Dog Whisperer on the national geographic channel. Man that guy is good! They had a little story about a wee little doggy (a yorkie i think) who would bark and attack his owner's ironing board when she took it out. It was pretty funny to watch. My simple solution would be...don't iron!

How old is Regis Philbin anyway? He was made to host things...parades...game shows. Do some people dream of being a game show or talk show host? I always liked Merv Griffin. Drew Carey is perfect for the price is right. Come on down! I would be the perfect hysterical game show contestant. I jump up and down and squeal when excited. I am so setting myself up with that comment.

My favorite snack lately is my kid's scooby doo bowl filled half with dark pretzels and half with gummi bears. I like the red ones best...then orange...then yellow...then light yellow and lastly green. When they start to evolve into hardened little mounds...it almost always is all the green ones. I am eating them now. I always like something salty and then something sweet.

I am doing things to help myself with my chronic battle of mood. I shall detail those things in great detail...soon. Why is it that when you feel in the dumps...someone is always there to state the obvious as in telling you that you are unhappy. Great job sherlock...I will alert the media of your findings.

I like doors. I like photos of doors. They are this great symbol of...beginnings...as in an open door. I like revolving doors too...they are fun and the possibility exists for going around and around forever...seeing the entrance and exit but being able to choose neither.

Perhaps that is what I feel like lately...going around and around....wheeeee!

Who wants to join me?

For all you dads

Happy Father's Day!

Help!

Okay I know some of you have been subjected to this already but has some doctor Geoffrey Rutledge contacted any of you about your blog and wanting to have it on this site called wellsphere? He sent this generic form stating that my writing was "fantastic" and then invited me to be a part of wellsphere. I was immediately suspicious because the particular blog post which was cited as being so darn fantastic had nothing at all to do with Multiple Sclerosis.

I wrote back and asked pointed questions and said...before I would ever agree to such a thing I would need to know more about wellsphere. What I researched about it on-line was NOT GOOD! Many ex-employees are very disgruntled and upset over this site. I don't know if it is some money making scheme or not. But what has happened next is not ethical in my book.

Without ever agreeing to this, I get yet another form letter where I am now a member of wellsphere and they will be taking my blog posts to put on this site! I NEVER AGREED! Asking for more information is very different than saying yes to them.

I would like to know if any of you have gotten caught up in their web. I don't wish to participate. I don't want some other site publishing my work without my permission or sending it all over the internet. This is not right and I want it to stop. How do I do this????

Help!

A New Kind of "Bucket" List

There is a movie out with Jack Nicholson Morgan Freeman about creating a "bucket list" of all the things they wanted to do before kicking the bucket. Okay this post will not be about that just so you know.

Instead, I want to talk about a different type of bucket list.

I got this idea from a little business book I picked up at the library. It is entitled, How Full is Your Bucket: Positive Strategies for Work and Life by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton. I am not sure why I pick up these types of books as I am not in business. I also read the infamous, Who Moved my Cheese book. Maybe it is the big print and the instruction manual type of advice they provide. I read the bucket book a couple of years ago but if I remember it right, the book was all about filling up your life with positive things. There are many people or things in your life which will drain your bucket but it is up to you to fill it.

I adapted their business model for my own personal life and began visualizing my life as a bunch of buckets. I know...it sounds silly but bear with me. There is merit to this visualization.

Take all the elements of your life which are important to you. They could include such things as:

* Family
* Work
* Friends
* Hobbies
* Blogging
* School
* Music
* Home maintenance
* Making new friends

and etc.

Whatever is really important to you in your life...people and/or activities will be your unique set of buckets.

Now is the time for self reflection and analysis. How much time and energy do you put into each bucket? Look at the reality of your life and determine if things are off balance. Are you spending too much time at work and not enough at home? Are you spending too much time dealing with one family member and neglecting everyone else? Are you spending too much time on the computer and neglecting other hobbies and interests?

How do you want things to be?

So what I do for myself from time to time is I get a little notebook and I designate a page or two for each important element of my life. Then I divide the page in half and I have two labels. One side is for listing what I am already doing to fill up that bucket. The other side is for ideas of what I want to do in the future.

For example I have a page or bucket if you will for my physical health. I want to be as physically healthy as possible. So on the side of what I am already doing I write things like...I am exercising at least three times a week. I am taking a multi-vitamin and so on. On the other side of what I would like to do in the future, I have things written down like...I would like to try yoga and I would like to investigate taking other supplements such as fish oil capsules.

It is a way to visualize your life and to see in a factual way, how you are actually going about to achieve balance and meet your goals.

This is a way for me to think preventively so that I can combat my depressive times. It is a way for me to take control and work on the things I can do. Even completing one task in any of the buckets is a good step in the right direction. Also seeing what you have already done and are doing, makes you feel more successful and like going on because you aren't dwelling on all that you can't do.

I hope this idea is helpful. I will keep the ideas coming...I have many!

So many moods...so little time

After having survived my lastest moodfest, I feel inspired to write about moods in general and of course, depression. I feel like an expert as I have been struggling with my many moods for as long as I can remember. There are many people like myself who are in constant flux, riding the endless waves of sometimes overwhelming emotion.

Add a chronic medical illness to a mood disorder and...well...it can be a rough ride.

I want to talk about this particular topic, in depth, and provide my own personal experience and research into the vast depths of human emotion. Feelings, emotions, and moods are what make us human. Whether our feelings lead us to euphoria or the deepest despair, our vulnerable spirit somehow survives.

I welcome you on this journey into the ever changing landscape of human emotion. Buckle your seatbelts, this should prove to be a very bumpy ride.

Back from my mental retreat...

I do apologize for my...going away for awhile. It was something I needed to do. Seems silly...it is just a blog but...it was a symbollic way of shutting down and taking time to rest and be alone.

I am feeling a bit better...more rested...more me again. I think...maybe...I am ready to try again and write.

Hope that you all are doing well. I have missed you very much.

Happy Wednesday.

and...the perfect quote for today is:

T. S. Eliot -
- We shall never cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time

The Stream...

it is time to write a little something...let it all hang out...like your guchkies blowing in the wind on the clothes line. not that anyone has a clothes line anymore. i am sure they are outlawed by home owner's associations everywhere.

of course i am thinking about the meaning and purpose to things. specifically my purpose. there have been many moments in my life where i have felt a strong pull in a direction. there have been times when i have felt a spiritual anvil being thrown on my head to remind me of what is important. but lately...nothing. nada.

maybe i am just not listening very well?

i am in the lull between moments.

maybe i already know my answers.

one thing i know for sure is that this life we are given is a gift. yeah maybe it isn't perfect. oh so far from perfect. but it still is a gift. i don't want to waste anymore time. i don't want to piddle it all away on things i don't wish to say or do or feel. there is only so much time. you never know how much.

when does it all make sense? when do you wake up and say..."YES!" and "I am sure." and..."I know what I am here for and what to do."

i wish i could walk into the perfect autumn day (my favorite season) and just dissapear into the cascade of leaves. oh to fall into a memory and never look forward. just sink and sink into colors and smells and crisp childhood breezes. all time stands still...bare feet on dewy grass...a single green transluscent blade in your small pudgy hand...a mind free of pain and worry.

and then back again. to this. to the mind which doesn't stop. to the wondering...the endless wondering.

Anybody home?

I have been so neglectful of my sweet little bloggy. And of all of you. Just checking to see if you are all still out there for me to come visiting.

Are you guys still into blogging or has blogging lost its luster for you?