rambles

i don't have anything specific to say.

that's never stopped me before.

i just feel the need to ramble. the rain came today in icy cold sheets. it seemed an omen of autumn. i love autumn but somehow i feel sad. where did the time go?

there is a song by the dixie chicks, landslide, with such a wistful refrain...

"Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well..."

time is the great equalizer for us all. we are all growing older...by incessant seconds and unheard beats. where are we going with all this time behind us? we look back...what do we see? and does it even matter? we can never go back...only forward...time pushing us into some unknown chasm. who will be there to break our fall?

as crazy as it sounds...sometimes i just want to stay here...safe from the muddied impressions of the past and safe from an uncertain and incomprehensible future. like being wedged in between the screen door and the front door. neither in nor out. simply standing still in space.

and waiting for the rain to stop.

'round and 'round

grab your partner here we go...dosey do...'round and 'round.

i am still very circular it seems. a circle is the perfect shape. infinity.

and who would forget the dream of german chemist August Kekule...his vision of a snake biting its tail, a dream that supposedly revealed the true structure of benzene.

and so it goes...

kurt vonnegut and billy pilgrim...unstuck in time...the inevitability of it all...time as a a circle.

pick a spot...any spot on the time line. it will be repeated. deja vu...you betcha. look at your kids and you will see it happen.

we know the chemical structure of benzene but why does it exist at all?

does anyone know? god...if there is one...okay i believe...must be seeing the same wars played out over and over and over...and he or she used as the basis for it all.

'round and 'round we go. the earth...still spins. amazing. we spin too...until we are so dizzy we feel we can't get up again. but we do. until the last breath of our cycle.

and so it goes...

Totally Random

I will now post some totally random thoughts...just to warn you.

I don't iron. I have two irons though and an ironing board. Do people still iron? I just turn up the shower to the hottest and steam whatever needs de-wrinkling.

Was reminded of ironing when I got mesmorized by the Dog Whisperer on the national geographic channel. Man that guy is good! They had a little story about a wee little doggy (a yorkie i think) who would bark and attack his owner's ironing board when she took it out. It was pretty funny to watch. My simple solution would be...don't iron!

How old is Regis Philbin anyway? He was made to host things...parades...game shows. Do some people dream of being a game show or talk show host? I always liked Merv Griffin. Drew Carey is perfect for the price is right. Come on down! I would be the perfect hysterical game show contestant. I jump up and down and squeal when excited. I am so setting myself up with that comment.

My favorite snack lately is my kid's scooby doo bowl filled half with dark pretzels and half with gummi bears. I like the red ones best...then orange...then yellow...then light yellow and lastly green. When they start to evolve into hardened little mounds...it almost always is all the green ones. I am eating them now. I always like something salty and then something sweet.

I am doing things to help myself with my chronic battle of mood. I shall detail those things in great detail...soon. Why is it that when you feel in the dumps...someone is always there to state the obvious as in telling you that you are unhappy. Great job sherlock...I will alert the media of your findings.

I like doors. I like photos of doors. They are this great symbol of...beginnings...as in an open door. I like revolving doors too...they are fun and the possibility exists for going around and around forever...seeing the entrance and exit but being able to choose neither.

Perhaps that is what I feel like lately...going around and around....wheeeee!

Who wants to join me?

The Stream...

it is time to write a little something...let it all hang out...like your guchkies blowing in the wind on the clothes line. not that anyone has a clothes line anymore. i am sure they are outlawed by home owner's associations everywhere.

of course i am thinking about the meaning and purpose to things. specifically my purpose. there have been many moments in my life where i have felt a strong pull in a direction. there have been times when i have felt a spiritual anvil being thrown on my head to remind me of what is important. but lately...nothing. nada.

maybe i am just not listening very well?

i am in the lull between moments.

maybe i already know my answers.

one thing i know for sure is that this life we are given is a gift. yeah maybe it isn't perfect. oh so far from perfect. but it still is a gift. i don't want to waste anymore time. i don't want to piddle it all away on things i don't wish to say or do or feel. there is only so much time. you never know how much.

when does it all make sense? when do you wake up and say..."YES!" and "I am sure." and..."I know what I am here for and what to do."

i wish i could walk into the perfect autumn day (my favorite season) and just dissapear into the cascade of leaves. oh to fall into a memory and never look forward. just sink and sink into colors and smells and crisp childhood breezes. all time stands still...bare feet on dewy grass...a single green transluscent blade in your small pudgy hand...a mind free of pain and worry.

and then back again. to this. to the mind which doesn't stop. to the wondering...the endless wondering.

A can of whoop ass..

I was watching the news the other night and a little blurb came on about MS and how it affects more women and how they are researching this fact. More so I was interested in the woman they spotlighted. She was probably a little older than I am and had a son of about ten years old. She was trying to explain to him about MS and why she couldn't walk well. Her gait was noticeably affected. Then her boy talked about how he gets teased at school because the kids say his mom is a "cripple". That really got to me.

I was thinking...man...if I ever need a cane to walk with, and if someone said something to me I would have to be held back not to whoop them upside the head with the cane. Seriously...there is no excuse for cruelty.

I have been around folks with disabilities my whole life and I have been a staunch advocate for them. I am not one to ever put up with bullshit.

Have any of you encountered cruelty because of your differentness? How did you handle it?

----------------------------------------------------------

I wasn't gonna even write about this for awhile because it is so dreadful but speaking of cruelty in an up close and personal way...today my son was subject to abuse at the supermarket of all things. He has autism and he sometimes appears odd. He has some tics and he also makes some sounds like chirps and peeps. He also likes to sing and hum. Well evidently this disturbed the old woman behind us and...she starts yelling, "WHY ISN'T HE IN AN INSTITUTION?" I assume she was nuts. After being chastised for being rude and..."my son has autism, what is your excuse?" she still kept on until she abruptly left the line. I still can't comprehend this and while it seems easy to logically dismiss...I am very...disturbed. I watched her drive away in her Lexus and I wondered how she could be so very hurtful. Oh well...all in a day I suppose. Ignorant people are everywhere. I am happy to report that most people we have met have been nothing less than kind to us.

feeling a little lost

i feel a little lost lately.

as though i can't quite grasp my surroundings. i am being swallowed up by the internal and it is quite hazy in here. it is like i am seeing and feeling everything through gauze.

i am hoping my words may anchor me and give me something tangible...something external to connect me to the world.

rhythm....i need a beat to attend to...a life force vibration.

right now i just feel this dead stillness.

it will come...the kiss of awakening.

but for right now...all i am capable of is sleepwalking.

The Stream

i need to write.

where have i been? i dunno. just dealing with my life i guess. as much as we have our external adventures we also have internal ones as well.

my internal journey has been to...avoid...lately. to avoid...to distract myself...to become engrossed in nothingness. i don't want to have to think about my life...my future...the big picture.

i want to lie in the grass and pick dandelions. you know...like when you were a little kid. i want to smell grass and watch ants and feel the heat of the pavement under bare feet. i want a peanut butter and banana sandwich. i want someone to take me by the hand and take me home.

as old as one gets...there are some moments you feel like a child again with those same needs and wants.

perhaps we grow more complex as adults but the needs are usually the same.

we all need to feel safe, loved, cherished. we want to feel joy...to laugh...to feel the sunshine on our open mouthed faces. we want to feel free...to dance in puddles and blow our wishes to the wind. and if we fall or get scared or are just a little unsure...we want someone to hold us and tell us things will be okay.

little girl needs and adult worries

the two shall meet in me.

Quiet-tude

i feel quiet lately.

just trying to get my sea legs here after being dismantled so many days. i get one problems solved and another comes to take its place. mostly health issues at the moment.

i'm almost at peace with this MS nonsense. i understand it. but add on anything else and i am damn resentful. it is too much then. and i like predictable. not that MS is predictable...but in some ways it is. it is becoming like my moods. it is an endless cycle.

balance...i desperately want it.

what do normal people do? people who don't have health issues or family who have issues and who have normal moods? what do you talk about? think about? write about? i have no clue. that is a world i have no understanding of.

i don't know if i am a better or stronger person for having all this shit in my life. it just is. you know? it just is. some people wear their pain like a badge but...really it is all about what you do with it.

what am i trying to do with it? easy...fucking survive.

lost my speech the other day...meaning i couldn't talk right. the words that did come out were pressured and sounded like i was drunk or on drugs or something. so i didn't bother to try to talk...i just waited until it passed.

i have been refreshing myself with learning some sign language. i only know a little. but...hey...if my voice ain't working then i got my hands. they better damn well work. see? a solution for everything. i know the basic signs for yes, no, toilet, and help. i refreshed myself with the alphabet as well. perhaps jim can help me with this. now i just have to teach everyone i know my signs in case i get into trouble.

well...anyways...it is sunday. i hope to find no problems here today. if only i could stop the world and just rest. not possible? how about five minutes...i will take that.

Monday Night Stream

I feel the need to babble.

Rollercoaster...still present. LOL I am not that naive to think it won't go away. I have been this way for...ever. But I am feeling pretty good overall...so far...and this is good.

okay i am gonna get comfy and omit the capitals. this is like getting into my pajamas. there...that feels better.

i have been thinking that when you write...it seems to be a mirror for others. what will they find in the words? sometimes people find things that never existed...but perhaps what they think should be there? fascinating reflections. i always get a chuckle out of observations which hold no truth in accuracy....and you stand back and wonder...where did that come from?

i like people. i love to know what people think and feel. i love diversity of thought and opinion. i like the good stuff...substance. i admire people who say what they feel even if i don't agree with it. i enjoy the stimulation. i especially like it here in the blog world as i am an introvert. in the "real" world i am quite shy.

people...people who need people....are the luckiest people...in the world. lol

i need people. it gets lonely here in my head.

sharing thoughts, ideas, feelings, humor, joy, fears, dreams...is what it's all about.

so how was your day today? tell me all about it.

Balance & Perspective

I have been trying to seek balance and perspective lately. I know that it is a process...it is something you cannot instantly achieve.

We are all so small really...just little specks of life in the universe...but also we are all so great in that what we do sets about a series of chain reactions which could ultimately change the world. Actually I do believe we change the world each day we exist. I want to believe that. It is certainly better than the alternative.

I am trying to pause before choices and actions and ask myself..."Is this good for me?" "Is this mentally healthy?" "Is this a part of being on my path?"


The thing is...you never really know the value of a choice or action until you have done it. At that moment before grasping the ring...all values can be entertained. It could be a "good" choice or a "bad" choice...we don't really know until we have taken it. This ambiguity...this uncertainty...makes for chaos and fear. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Nobody owns the proverbial crystal ball.

So we leap over great chasms, risking and daring, and praying and hopig that we don't break our necks in the process. I suppose this might be what some people call faith...trusting that we will be able to make those leaps again and again.

Perspective: We are both infinitely small and great within the universe.

Balance: The ability to see ourselves from these small and large lenses.

Coming out from hiding...

I find myself in need of talking. And somehow I find this more do-able for me to express some things here...things I have trouble expressing personally face to face or in letters. I just find this "public anonymity" easier on me. I am hiding. Forgive me. But this is for me.

I am feeling a bit troubled lately...things are brewing inside and taking shape. I feel as though I am standing back to watch the process. There are emotions to deal with but I want to isolate them and place them into vials with my gloves on. I do not want to touch them yet.

Went out with a friend a couple of weekends ago. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was doing pretty good. I wasn't about to get into the details of my new illness. As with most folk, when I say I have MS, the other person will invariably say something about knowing someone else with MS or seeing someone and having that "aha" moment of recognition. My friend began telling me of a woman in the neighborhood who has MS and how this woman is walking around with a cane. My friend added that this woman seemed to be "too into it" though. My friend felt this individual was putting on more than was real. I didn't probe. I didn't want to. Was it the cane? Was it because the woman maybe asked for help? Were my friend's perceptions because this person's disability was more visible?

At any rate the conversation went on but my thoughts stalled for a bit. I had to put that bit of dialogue away because I didn't know what it meant.

The thing about me is that I hide. I definitely hide my depression. I have tried to hide that for years. I have fought so hard to not be my mother...the mother who would lie in bed, sometimes seemingly semi-conscious for days on end. I don't blame her. I forgive her. She had/has far more impairments than I, but my god I don't ever want to be her. And I feel guilty for saying it but it is true.

Ask anyone who suffers from (guess i have to include this descriptor of clinical here) depression, what hell a normal day can be. I have had days in the past of working full time and then going to grad school and holding back...holding in...for twelve or more hours in the day until I could go home and cry or scream in the shower. I remember writing a paper in grad school which was due....and I was in a bad way...the papers were strewn around me in a semi-circle and I was crying so hard I was almost vomiting. But I didn't stop doing. This was no heroic thing...believe me...it was just me trying to survive anyway that I could. Sometimes that means being a robot and proceeding with tasks you have no energy to do.

But when most people were/are around, I can't cry. I can't show that. And that part is lonely.

The thing about depression though, is...it isn't this group of people wailing and crying. Depression is more...insidious. It is like when you go out on a frigid cold day but it isn't quite cold enough for snow and it is raining. You get caught in that cold rain and it seeps right through to your bones. And anyone who has felt that, you know how hard it is to get warm again. It is like that with mood...it seeps in and stays and stays. To be able to actually cry is a miracle. Mostly you just feel rather numb and inert. And how does one adequately describe that feeling to anyone? So you keep it to yourself.

Back to my friend's comments. Again I felt the instinct to hide. I can play some kind of hero I suppose if I don't talk about my MS. People can say...yeah I know a lady who has it and she is just fine. And I am...I think. For now. I don't know.

I was in a school supply store this week. I was shopping for learning supplies for my youngest son when "it" happened. I don't talk about "it" very much because...well...because...I am afraid. I am a lily livered chicken shit. I want to pretend that this isn't happening. I want to make it go away. But okay I am gonna confess that it happens way more than I ever let anyone know. And I am sorry but that is the way I have to handle this for now.

So I will leave my confession here.

Yeah I was having trouble in a store. lol It is like I tell myself if I can just keep this MS contained in private...when nobody is around...I can deal with that. I have spent my whole life with people staring in my direction for various reasons. First it was my schizophrenic mother who would talk to herself and gesture wildly in public. Sometimes she would get so angry and paranoid she would begin to cuss at strangers. That went over real well in the inner city. Then in my adolescent years I had a boyfriend who was a drug addict who would have no fear of acting out in public. He would do things like carry me to a garbage can and put me in it. I chose a career where I attempted to help those with multiple disabilities. I had many community outings where my folk would spit, holler, jump up in the air, flap like a bird, and even pee themeselves in public. And now I have a son who has special needs who has on ocassion rips off his clothes, screams, knocks over glasses in restaurants to watch the water spill, and the list goes on.

You would think that I would be used to this shit. You get over it fast when you are trying to help someone else. I am downright belligerent and in your face if you stare at someone I am with.

But me alone? Hell no. I don't want to be noticed. I want my quiet times where nobody is staring. I want to be invisible when I am on my own. I want to blend in. I want to pretend I have this normal life I have never had. I remember the first stare when I was coming out of Target one day. I had the MS pegleg thing going on. My right leg stiffened up and I tried to stop it but...you can't. I saw eyes on me and...I quickly hobbled away and out of sight.

So just recently as I was saying...I was having symptoms in that learning store. And my first instinct was to hide...which I did semi-successfully behind a cart. I wish I could be one of these folks who, upon learning of their disease, gets bumper stickers and proudly proclaims "I HAVE MS!" and have no qualms about being visible. And to some extent I am that too. I have this blog. I want to share. But in public...I...

I don't want pity. I don't want people "helping" me. I don't want that kind of attention. It makes me so mad. My friend hurt me with her insensitive comments. I love her but she hurt me. One day that could be me with a cane. I will need help at some point. I will be visible.

This is all a process. I am new to this MS stuff. Just think...less than a year ago...the word was not in my vocabulary. I didn't think about. I didn't have to. But now I do. And when I don't...someone reminds me. "It" reminds me with symptoms.

I do want to say this before I get reactions I do not want. I AM fine. Truly. My symptoms are not that bad. I function so very well. I am just...coming to terms with this and...I wanted to talk about it. That's all. I just want to talk.

And so I have. And it helped.

thursday night stream

i need to talk. i mean write. talk/write. think aloud. to no-one. to someone. the proverbial message in a bottle.

this whole thing is silly really. blogging. when you think about it. these public proclamations of momentary thought and emotion. a diary. like i am thirteen again.

well...i suppose all of writing is silly then. poetry. essays. autobiographies. why do it? why would one expose themselves in such a public way? sometimes i am like a wave wanting to rush out to shore...kiss the feet of strangers...rise up to welcome the world into my waters. and then there are days i cannot fathom it at all...the wish to recede...to retreat to darkest watery depths is my salvation.

i like the solitude in my head. i like the safety.

i have spent my whole life around people...with people...among other humans yet...somehow i manage to feel alone. and don't read too much into my words. this isn't a bad thing. at all. it just is. it isn't sad unless you put that meaning there upon it.

but of course...no man or woman is an island. so we reach out our tentacles to touch others. sometimes we touch lightly like a breeze...and sometimes we beat down the walls like some misguided warrior.

what is it that we want when we connect?

i have personally spent so many years with people who for whatever reason...were not able to connect that...quite frankly to this day....

i am surprised when someone answers back.

Thinking out loud...

I am feeling shell shocked somehow. Altered. Changed.

Turning inward and figuring out what is in there.

Just some random thoughts as I process the myriad of emotions I am currently feeling.

* Feelings are personal. You can't ever tell someone how to feel. There are no rights or wrongs there. You can't set a timeline for someone else as to how to grieve or for how long. You can't judge someone for taking two steps back. People do get stuck. People do get angry. People will succumb to despair. People will feel and act in ways you might not expect. The world and its inhabitants are not here to please you nor to live to your standards of how one should be. It doesn't work that way.

* Perhaps the best way to be of help to others is to live your life in a way you want to live it. And then share that with others....not in a...I am standing upon a pedastal looking down on you....but in a raw truthful....not hiding of the blemishes kind of way. The best truths come from those without agendas or egos.

* We all have struggles. We all have pain in our lives. Pain is the great equalizer for us all. The rich...the poor...the young...the old...the willful...the innocent...all will experience some sort of pain. Some wear their pain like a badge of honor...look at me...I have picked myself up by the bootstraps...I have been through more than you...so stop your complaining and live as I have lived...get with the program and make the same choices to change. Does that pedestal truly heighten at the lowering of others? There is always worse. One could be dead right? Or maimed...or tortured or...the list goes on. Another's suffering does not minimize anyone else's experience. Knowing someone in the world right now is starving doesn't make me feel more grateful. It makes me sad about that person who is hungry. I have never understood that concept...someone else suffers and we are supposed to feel better about ourselves...as though being a voyeur to someone else's pain is a gift to use selfishly for our own gain. thank god it is not me and...go about my business. no.

rather... some people show us the way. to love. to live to understand that we too can carry on. some people pave the way...make it easier for us to see the path.

* i am not necessarily close to those who share a similar experience to mine. this does not make for instant friendship or bonding. there is something else which operates which is a matter of the core. and this is what i am trying to discover within myself. what forces make some people humble, resilient, and grateful? what is it which allows for smallness so that you can see how grand the world really is?

* what do i respect? genuineness. the ability to want and seek substance. the ability to forgive. the constitution to leave ego at the door. a willingness to accept others as they really are instead of how we would like them to be. the ability to allow oneself to be vulnerable as true strength. and of course...empathy and compassion.

* i am feeling like a vampire of sorts...feasting upon bodies...ther life force being drawn out of them in words. i feel guilty...a voyeur of the human condition...being forced to view my own pain by being exposed to others. i seem to need this right now...to be reminded of what is important and what is not. i keep coming back to the reason for most things...love.

* we are all alone really. nobody can truly walk in your shoes. we are forced to see the world from this faulty lens. we are given this body, this brain, this spirit. this is our gateway to the world and it is also our prison. we are trapped here with our own set of unique limitations and parameters. we all come with baggage and frailties. and then we meet up with others who also carry their own hosts of demons and luggage. nobody is immune. before we can forgive others for theirs or even help to lighten their load...we gotta forgive ourselves first. the anger which inevitably comes from bumping into other humans is almost always about ourselves. it is good to recognize that in order to move on.

* back to love. does it conquer all? not a chance. but it helps. it is a reason. it is a purpose. no outcome. no expectations. just...an innocent purity...as well as the greatest strength in this world...which can never be extinguished. it is what we are.

feeling wormy

i am feeling quiet. distant. insulated. removed from humanity.

when i was a little girl my mother taught me this song. i remember singing it to myself in my itty bitty brick back yard when i was feeling particularly lonesome and as small as a bug.

well perhaps you know this childhood ditty. raise your hand if you do.

nobody loves me
everybody hates me
guess i'll go eat worms

big fat juicy worms
little itty bitty worms
see dem little worms squirm

bite their heads off
suck their guts out
throw their skins away

nobody knows how a man can thrive
on worms three times a day!

and i...cannot believe i have remembered all the words. i deserve a medal just for that.

worms anyone?

It's Monday again Morning Pages

why hello there bloggers and blogettes!

open your pretty peepers as monday has arrived whether you are ready or not.

i am not. yet. ready.

i am tired. but then again i was way tired yesterday and i had a ton of sleep. MS? me? who knows. being tired isn't all that bad sometimes. you slow down. i sometimes get giddy. and other times the tiredness makes me sink in mood. not this time though. i feel good. just a little disjointed as though i am forgetting things.

i have plans on being a doer instead of a dreamer. i finally took step one towards a writing project. i have a sort of title. well...i had a title i was very excited about but my editor (are you out there reading this?) said...yeah that's great but let's chop off this part and change this...lol Who needs a title right? "Just write" he says. Some folk need a lot of structure and some need next to none. I am very used to writing with no structure but now...I find I need a little structure. I find I need a title to know where I am going.

*gulp*

all of a sudden i feel fear about doing things. "just do it" is the nike or was the nike motto. no...i need to feel ready. am i ready? no wait...i need the right time, the right place, the right frame of mind, the right pen, the right computer, the right...me. WAIT.

sorry...just neuortic me talking.

so what what you been wanting to do but are afraid to start?

what do you think you are afraid of?

thoughts to percolate upon this fine monday morning of wary unreadiness....

saturday morning pages

Rise and shine peoples!

well here it is...saturday already...how did that happen?

i am not sure what is happening to me but i sure am writing a lot here on my blog. i seem to need this right now. i need the structure of it...the outlet of it...the comradery of it.

i am feeling more courageous lately to talk about topics which are difficult to talk about. let's see: depression, politics, MS, and sex! i feel religion may be next. so watch out. :>)

i used to watch a show long time ago called Ally McBeal...loved that show....and there was this character called Fish who would resolve all conflicts with a simple word, "Bygones."

so if i have offended, displeased, made uncomfortable, made uneasy, created trouble for, or in any way rocked your world in a bad way, blame it all on me....it is all my fault and well..."bygones."

moving right along...i am feeling good today mentally. and physically. i feel i can do things.

i want to protect my mental health. the one trick i do have is to focus on where i do want to go instead of just reacting to life. i want to focus on the things i feel are most important to me. i want to move forward and not back. or at least stay still. stillness is good too.

anyways...i have been trying to find a video which doesn't exist...one of my favorite blue's traveller songs is Just Wait. it is a beautiful song meant for a friend to a friend. the words make me cry and they are words i wish someone would say to me at times. sometimes one finds comfort in simple song lyrics. i could not find a regular video with this song...and ironically i stumbled upon one which warned. WARNING...EXPLICIT GOD CONTENT. lol i guess i am stumbling into the religion topic whether i wanted to or not. like i said...i wanted to share this song with you...as a friend to friends...for whomever needed to hear the words...not to promote religion. this is the only vid i could find with the song and words...the God part...is not my intended message. so just ignore that part if you want to/choose to and...if you are cool with it...then listen to it. i just wanted folk to know that i am not promoting that part of the video...whoever created this...took that as their personal meaning. i just simply wanted to share the song itself and the words.

so without further adieu...this song is for whoever needs it today...

Morning Pages for Friday

well here we are again. friday.

the end of the week.

what do i have to say for myself?

i can't help but be bemused by all the interactions and reactions of our little community to one another. we are all characters aren't we? i wonder what steretypical role i would play in a reality show where you dump a group of very different personalities together? when i was working in the helping profession field....we once had human resources come to our group and do these little "tests" to see how we all got along. we had to design a rollercoaster together using paper or some such thing.

what happened you ask? well...pretty much what you would expect. the bossy people got bossy and fought with other bossy people. the slackers slacked and rolled their eyes at the whole thing. the folk who never shared, hoarded their materials. and the do-ers quietly began doing. me? i found myself in the role of cheerleader and peacekeeper much to my surprise. i could predict how everyone was gonna act and react but myself. i was the one to try to help the others get together and work well with each other. i was the one to attempt to offer encouragement and praise. it was more important for me that the folks get along than to actually finish the project. it was strange for me to discover this about myself because i feel i am such an introvert.

in my life i have just about boiled my own skin alive trying to get people together...mostly family members. i have hosted horrific thanksgiving dinners and other get togethers which make me cringe to this day. i have had some good endings such as when i got two of my half siblings together (they never lived with me and are much older than i am). they had been feuding for over a decade when i wrote to one and...this led to a reconciliation between the two...okay so it took another decade for that to happen! but...i like to think that i had something to do with it. but ultimately people have to decide for themselves who they want to associate with and who they don't and i respect that.

not everyone is gonna hold hands with each other and sing kumbayah. lol and that is just fine.

but with every interaction you do have with others...whether it be good or horrific...sounds cliched to say but you do learn something about yourself. we are all mirrors of each other and our schtuff. maybe the best that we learn is...hey...i never want to be like that but maybe somewhere deep inside me...i am a bit of that.

well...anyways...

have a good day and i shall return later to babble some more.

merelyme

Morning Pages for Thursday

here we go now...

amazing. the things happening on my blog recently are truly amazing. and i like it. sometimes so much good comes from the rise and build up of tension....and then the great release. lol...am i describing sex or debate?

seriously...i like how we truly are becoming a little community here...this is what i had been wanting. i didn't want to become the blog where everyone comes by as in a business transaction...people not really reading or caring and me just coming away with a long list of trite and insincere comments. i have seen that happen for folk who write about some serious topics including health issues, autism, you name it. it makes a mockery of the topic at hand. i would much rather have it this way...where people are really feeling what they are saying and are interacting with one another in a real and genuine way and even disagreeing than people not thinking for themselves.

it is difficult to be oneself sometimes. i had learned to be one of those people pleaser types early on mainly because it helped my survival! to speak my mind or be assertive might mean that i would get beat up or neglected or any number of horrible reactions. so i learned to keep my thoughts to myself and to be invisible. now at my great age....i am finally discovering that it can sometimes be okay to open one's mouth and speak up. perhaps this is a sexist thing to say but i feel this is harder for women than for men. we are taught as little girls to be "nice" all the time.

i do want to be "nice" and fair and just with my words. yes i do want to be liked. more than i care to admit. but sometimes in this world...being respected is a far greater achievement than being liked. i am still not totally convinced of this but i am getting there.

words, words, words. so many words fill our day. what shall we do with them all? shall we use them to heal ourselves and others? shall we use them as weapons to knock down our supposed opponents? shall we reach out a hand through our words to lift someone up? will we entertain? will we dance and twirl someone into intimacy? will we use our words to respect and gain respect? will we paint a picture of our world so that people can view it for the first time?

what will you do with words today?

Morning Pages

monday morning here.

for you too unless you are reading this on another day or have time travelled to another time.

oh by the way...this is my attempt at The Artist Way...morning pages...i call it stream of consciousness. morning is one of those special creative times presumably...to let it all hang out.

back to time travel. i have no desire. not in my own life anyhow. what would be the point really. no desire to become twenty again or even thirty. there were bad times there too. i do want the world to stop at times though...just so i can catch up.

once again i am on my spiral staircase as i call it and there is no end to it. no endings...no beginnings...just endless up and down up and down and round and round.

a truly new beginning would mean you had amnesia and you simply forgot everything and had no ties to anything. that is never possible. nor would it be especially practical.

we think of time as this linear line...of walking forward...doing things...getting things done...going from point A to point B. not so my friend. i believe we are more like dogs chasing our tails going round and round...merging beginnings with endings so we don't know the difference anymore.

grief....loss....despair....all essential for change it seems. don't want to go through it....too bad. life drags you along anyway.

adaptability....resilience....survivor these folk...change.

there are folk who seemingly won't change. they are usually left on the curb. bye bye.

i am feeling agitated today...angsty...perhaps because i am on the precipice to change. i have no idea what the change will be but it is coming....i can feel it.

this is the process of my becoming....

stream time

william james....right. you ever have a brain freeze where you just can't think of something you know you have always known but you just can't retrieve it? i am doing that more and more. MS? age? just me? who knows. i find myself in these conversations where i want to discuss a movie or a book and i end up saying things like..."you know that movie with that guy(can't remember names either!) and he is short and is wearing a green sweater and the woman is in it who was in that show (which i can't remember either)...oh forget it."

anyways...i was trying to think of the philosopher dude who talked about cuttlefish and stream of consciousness. william james! here i thought i re-invented the term....as i have always described my writing this way but now i am finding others who call their writing this. YA COPYCATS! just kidding.

this is also a writing technique....ala the artist way books and...let's see...there is also a fancy writing term for this. of course i cannot remember it. what is wrong with my brain? don't answer that. it is empowering when you do it. you basically set a time period and don't set down your pen or stop typing....however ridiculous the stuff coming out. it really does cure writer's block.

i do this to clear my head. for me. that way you have more room up there.

somedays i feel like kelly bundy from married with children (hey i remembered the names! yowsa!) when she started to learn things from books...and all of a sudden she couldn't do simple things like turn a doorknob. she simply had no more room in her brain.

i am just full of pop culture references. i truly admire someone who knows a lotta stupid shit. such as...the lyrics to the Banana Splits show. remember that? or...the name of the jetson's robot maid? or how to talk ubby bubby talk from Zoom. or understands the reference when i ask, "whatchu 'talkin 'bout Willis?


the stupid and inane sometimes sustains. it all helps.

i think i have an odd sense of humor. either you can make me laugh or...you just don't get it. the show...arrested development...funny as hell. but it went off the air. you know why? because people would rather laugh at videos of people falling into wedding cakes or children falling off of trampolines. come on people. i don't like most internet forwarded jokes. unless they are really really bad. i love both jokes, movies, and sometimes even people who are just so bad that they are....great. i love knock knock jokes for this reason. and william shatner. have you ever heard the man sing lucy in the sky? a classic for sure.

i have a crush on john cusack. love, love, love him. he always plays the same part in most every movie but he does it so well. the sad, comical, angsty, loveable dope. i like ben stiller too. he is irritatingly wonderful. columbo...always had a thing for him. so humble yet so smart. and the trenchcoat...oooh la la. oh but wait...jack black. Mmmmm mmm honey child. any man who is comfortable showing butt crack and not being embarrassed about it...very cool. i love his uni-brow too. and he AND john cusack were in one of my favorite movies of all time...high fidelity.

same sex crush (i had never heard of this term until a friend of mine told me about hers of the gal who was in the titanic...what's her name?) mine would be...keira knightly. and...calista flockhart. oh and cute little sally field.

i could go on....and on. i think this was a case of...TMI (too much information).

i was gonna write something very serious but...it can wait. tonight i needed...light.

so light and airy is what you get! beggars can't be choosers matey.

i am so much weirder than you thought aren't i? heh

goodnight....sleep well

merelyme