Coming out from hiding...

I find myself in need of talking. And somehow I find this more do-able for me to express some things here...things I have trouble expressing personally face to face or in letters. I just find this "public anonymity" easier on me. I am hiding. Forgive me. But this is for me.

I am feeling a bit troubled lately...things are brewing inside and taking shape. I feel as though I am standing back to watch the process. There are emotions to deal with but I want to isolate them and place them into vials with my gloves on. I do not want to touch them yet.

Went out with a friend a couple of weekends ago. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I was doing pretty good. I wasn't about to get into the details of my new illness. As with most folk, when I say I have MS, the other person will invariably say something about knowing someone else with MS or seeing someone and having that "aha" moment of recognition. My friend began telling me of a woman in the neighborhood who has MS and how this woman is walking around with a cane. My friend added that this woman seemed to be "too into it" though. My friend felt this individual was putting on more than was real. I didn't probe. I didn't want to. Was it the cane? Was it because the woman maybe asked for help? Were my friend's perceptions because this person's disability was more visible?

At any rate the conversation went on but my thoughts stalled for a bit. I had to put that bit of dialogue away because I didn't know what it meant.

The thing about me is that I hide. I definitely hide my depression. I have tried to hide that for years. I have fought so hard to not be my mother...the mother who would lie in bed, sometimes seemingly semi-conscious for days on end. I don't blame her. I forgive her. She had/has far more impairments than I, but my god I don't ever want to be her. And I feel guilty for saying it but it is true.

Ask anyone who suffers from (guess i have to include this descriptor of clinical here) depression, what hell a normal day can be. I have had days in the past of working full time and then going to grad school and holding back...holding in...for twelve or more hours in the day until I could go home and cry or scream in the shower. I remember writing a paper in grad school which was due....and I was in a bad way...the papers were strewn around me in a semi-circle and I was crying so hard I was almost vomiting. But I didn't stop doing. This was no heroic thing...believe me...it was just me trying to survive anyway that I could. Sometimes that means being a robot and proceeding with tasks you have no energy to do.

But when most people were/are around, I can't cry. I can't show that. And that part is lonely.

The thing about depression though, is...it isn't this group of people wailing and crying. Depression is more...insidious. It is like when you go out on a frigid cold day but it isn't quite cold enough for snow and it is raining. You get caught in that cold rain and it seeps right through to your bones. And anyone who has felt that, you know how hard it is to get warm again. It is like that with mood...it seeps in and stays and stays. To be able to actually cry is a miracle. Mostly you just feel rather numb and inert. And how does one adequately describe that feeling to anyone? So you keep it to yourself.

Back to my friend's comments. Again I felt the instinct to hide. I can play some kind of hero I suppose if I don't talk about my MS. People can say...yeah I know a lady who has it and she is just fine. And I am...I think. For now. I don't know.

I was in a school supply store this week. I was shopping for learning supplies for my youngest son when "it" happened. I don't talk about "it" very much because...well...because...I am afraid. I am a lily livered chicken shit. I want to pretend that this isn't happening. I want to make it go away. But okay I am gonna confess that it happens way more than I ever let anyone know. And I am sorry but that is the way I have to handle this for now.

So I will leave my confession here.

Yeah I was having trouble in a store. lol It is like I tell myself if I can just keep this MS contained in private...when nobody is around...I can deal with that. I have spent my whole life with people staring in my direction for various reasons. First it was my schizophrenic mother who would talk to herself and gesture wildly in public. Sometimes she would get so angry and paranoid she would begin to cuss at strangers. That went over real well in the inner city. Then in my adolescent years I had a boyfriend who was a drug addict who would have no fear of acting out in public. He would do things like carry me to a garbage can and put me in it. I chose a career where I attempted to help those with multiple disabilities. I had many community outings where my folk would spit, holler, jump up in the air, flap like a bird, and even pee themeselves in public. And now I have a son who has special needs who has on ocassion rips off his clothes, screams, knocks over glasses in restaurants to watch the water spill, and the list goes on.

You would think that I would be used to this shit. You get over it fast when you are trying to help someone else. I am downright belligerent and in your face if you stare at someone I am with.

But me alone? Hell no. I don't want to be noticed. I want my quiet times where nobody is staring. I want to be invisible when I am on my own. I want to blend in. I want to pretend I have this normal life I have never had. I remember the first stare when I was coming out of Target one day. I had the MS pegleg thing going on. My right leg stiffened up and I tried to stop it but...you can't. I saw eyes on me and...I quickly hobbled away and out of sight.

So just recently as I was saying...I was having symptoms in that learning store. And my first instinct was to hide...which I did semi-successfully behind a cart. I wish I could be one of these folks who, upon learning of their disease, gets bumper stickers and proudly proclaims "I HAVE MS!" and have no qualms about being visible. And to some extent I am that too. I have this blog. I want to share. But in public...I...

I don't want pity. I don't want people "helping" me. I don't want that kind of attention. It makes me so mad. My friend hurt me with her insensitive comments. I love her but she hurt me. One day that could be me with a cane. I will need help at some point. I will be visible.

This is all a process. I am new to this MS stuff. Just think...less than a year ago...the word was not in my vocabulary. I didn't think about. I didn't have to. But now I do. And when I don't...someone reminds me. "It" reminds me with symptoms.

I do want to say this before I get reactions I do not want. I AM fine. Truly. My symptoms are not that bad. I function so very well. I am just...coming to terms with this and...I wanted to talk about it. That's all. I just want to talk.

And so I have. And it helped.