Come sit a spell and shoot the breeze. Sweeten the day with a little synchronicity...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Moods R Us
First of all...
Thank you for anyone who still comes here to read me. I am most...undeserving.
I should write something. Something old or something new? Or something blue?
Maybe something about mood since I have been in one recently and kinda still am.
Shall I attempt to describe it? Would that be helpful?
It feels like waking up with an anvil in my chest. The weight of it is crushing but yet I am expected to move about my day. All of the stupid little things that you take for granted doing now seem insurmountable. Everything requires much more energy than you can muster. The world seems a grey and inhospitable place. Inertia and apathy take hold and all of a sudden you run the risk of becoming like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations. If you have forgotten the image, wikipedia comes to the rescue to illustrate her character: "...a long life away from the sunlight has in itself aged her, and she is said to look like a cross between a waxwork and a skeleton, with moving eyes."
It truly is a terrible beast, this depression. It is tenacious, taking hold and rooting itself for the long haul. It is biological and neurological and medically based yet the mythology still persists that this creature can simply be willed away. So there is shame here. There is shame to say that one is not doing well and cannot get it together. The guilt and shame make it worse. You are already sad and then compound that with the feeling bad about feeling sad and soon you create an endless cycle of despair.
So what helps?
Humor helps me a lot. Dark humor is some of the best medicine for depression. Depression, however painful, can also be comedic. So much of humor and comedy is rooted in overcoming pain.
Acceptance is essential. Finding someone who accepts you as you are, who is not trying to fix you or guilt you or run from you is a good friend indeed. One of the best things said to me when I am in such a state is, "It is okay to feel sad." This gives such a relief not to have to be something or feel something I am not at the moment. One does not need a fair weather or foul weather friend. An ALL weather friend is the true friend.
Distraction helps. I like it when people take the focus off of my depression and they talk about themselves and their day and what they do. Not to the point of insensitivy but as a way to direct my mind to other things.
To be reminded of my successes and abilities to cope also helps. I have a friend who tells me matter of factly, "You have been here before. You will begin to feel better soon." In a state of depression one forgets how the cycle works. The sadness usually does diminish over time. I do have the capability to feel good again, just maybe not now.
Rituals and schedules can aid the process of recovering from a depression. Having someone remind you to get up and do things is so helpful. To be told to complete a simple task such as writing the word "hello" as an email is a baby step towards connection and is do-able.
To be told that it is okay to be silent for awhile and that the friend will remain through that silence...is precious indeed.
This was difficult to write. But I am proud that I did and I hope it helps someone. It helped me to write it. For those who have reached out to me...again...I don't know how to thank you. I am definitely getting there. And like that old Beatle's song says:
I get by with a little help from my friends...
Thank you for anyone who still comes here to read me. I am most...undeserving.
I should write something. Something old or something new? Or something blue?
Maybe something about mood since I have been in one recently and kinda still am.
Shall I attempt to describe it? Would that be helpful?
It feels like waking up with an anvil in my chest. The weight of it is crushing but yet I am expected to move about my day. All of the stupid little things that you take for granted doing now seem insurmountable. Everything requires much more energy than you can muster. The world seems a grey and inhospitable place. Inertia and apathy take hold and all of a sudden you run the risk of becoming like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations. If you have forgotten the image, wikipedia comes to the rescue to illustrate her character: "...a long life away from the sunlight has in itself aged her, and she is said to look like a cross between a waxwork and a skeleton, with moving eyes."
It truly is a terrible beast, this depression. It is tenacious, taking hold and rooting itself for the long haul. It is biological and neurological and medically based yet the mythology still persists that this creature can simply be willed away. So there is shame here. There is shame to say that one is not doing well and cannot get it together. The guilt and shame make it worse. You are already sad and then compound that with the feeling bad about feeling sad and soon you create an endless cycle of despair.
So what helps?
Humor helps me a lot. Dark humor is some of the best medicine for depression. Depression, however painful, can also be comedic. So much of humor and comedy is rooted in overcoming pain.
Acceptance is essential. Finding someone who accepts you as you are, who is not trying to fix you or guilt you or run from you is a good friend indeed. One of the best things said to me when I am in such a state is, "It is okay to feel sad." This gives such a relief not to have to be something or feel something I am not at the moment. One does not need a fair weather or foul weather friend. An ALL weather friend is the true friend.
Distraction helps. I like it when people take the focus off of my depression and they talk about themselves and their day and what they do. Not to the point of insensitivy but as a way to direct my mind to other things.
To be reminded of my successes and abilities to cope also helps. I have a friend who tells me matter of factly, "You have been here before. You will begin to feel better soon." In a state of depression one forgets how the cycle works. The sadness usually does diminish over time. I do have the capability to feel good again, just maybe not now.
Rituals and schedules can aid the process of recovering from a depression. Having someone remind you to get up and do things is so helpful. To be told to complete a simple task such as writing the word "hello" as an email is a baby step towards connection and is do-able.
To be told that it is okay to be silent for awhile and that the friend will remain through that silence...is precious indeed.
This was difficult to write. But I am proud that I did and I hope it helps someone. It helped me to write it. For those who have reached out to me...again...I don't know how to thank you. I am definitely getting there. And like that old Beatle's song says:
I get by with a little help from my friends...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Depressionz I haz it
"Merely Me! Please s'plain yoself! Why you no write in yerz blog for long time?"
I just know this is the question poised on everybody's lips. That and...where is the toilet paper?
The most simple explanation is that I had been abducted by evil circus clowns.
Okay then seriously...I suppose...well...perhaps...maybe...possibly...I was just a little depressed. Now do not alert the media. And do not bring me cherry kool-aid laced with Prozac. And do not send me bootstraps nor lectures about bootstraps and boots unless they are very cute with high heels. And do not send me rainbows or leprecauns. Do not read me the newspaper of all the tragedies in the guise of forcing me to take delight in other's sorrows as some do. Do not philosophize, advise, or counsel. Do not attempt to save me from my own feelings.
Merely...walk with me. Be my friend. Share a laugh. And allow me to be human.
Because...I fear that is what I am...human.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
What to write?
this is me...making an attempt.
i am not sure where i have been. mostly in my head. i seem to live there lately. it is not too bad. but i do feel more and more disconnected. "i used to write," i tell myself. but lately it just doesn't occur to me to do so.
sure...there is much i wish to discuss, express, and share. but for now it remains bottled up...safely inside of me.
i feel this great sense of inertia and apathy. i want to care but i seemingly don't. unless something reminds me. like a movie or a song.
perhaps this is what one feels before embarking upon some great change. i keep feeling as though change is near but it has this ghost like presence and i can't quite grasp it. and some days...i just don't care to try.
it's not so bad really. just a phase. we all go through...something.
i am not sure where i have been. mostly in my head. i seem to live there lately. it is not too bad. but i do feel more and more disconnected. "i used to write," i tell myself. but lately it just doesn't occur to me to do so.
sure...there is much i wish to discuss, express, and share. but for now it remains bottled up...safely inside of me.
i feel this great sense of inertia and apathy. i want to care but i seemingly don't. unless something reminds me. like a movie or a song.
perhaps this is what one feels before embarking upon some great change. i keep feeling as though change is near but it has this ghost like presence and i can't quite grasp it. and some days...i just don't care to try.
it's not so bad really. just a phase. we all go through...something.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Question for the day
The question for the day is....
Where do you go to find peace and quiet?
Sometimes I actually hide in my bathroom to find some solitude.
Where do you go to find peace and quiet?
Sometimes I actually hide in my bathroom to find some solitude.
Friday, July 4, 2008
That which is hidden
we are naturally drawn to that which is hidden.
we see a canvas filled with colors but in the corner there is a small, clean, unpainted space. our eyes will go there first.
our ears hear that pause of silence in the midst of the cacophony of whirring conversation. we listen.
we feel the air brush by from the hand which almost touches us...and we yearn for that connection.
we hold that moment right before a kiss...that unbearable torment of waiting... before ending all fantasy.
we are instinctually driven to seek out the pauses..the empty spaces...for the simple reason that...
they fill us.
we see a canvas filled with colors but in the corner there is a small, clean, unpainted space. our eyes will go there first.
our ears hear that pause of silence in the midst of the cacophony of whirring conversation. we listen.
we feel the air brush by from the hand which almost touches us...and we yearn for that connection.
we hold that moment right before a kiss...that unbearable torment of waiting... before ending all fantasy.
we are instinctually driven to seek out the pauses..the empty spaces...for the simple reason that...
they fill us.
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