you guys are great

i just feel so grateful for this silly 'ol blog where i deposit all my woes and...you all come by and say the very things that i am needing to hear at exactly the right time.

you guys are just so darn nice to me...thank you. just wanted to let you know your kind words help me so much.

i think the best comment though has to go to diane with her: "normal people freak me out." it was just what i needed to hear to make me feel both understood and to crack me up. empathy and humor go a long way.

anyways...while i am being a big 'ol sap here...wanted to apologize for being neglectful lately. i will definitely be by to visit you all soon.

awww...i love you guys.

disclaimer: the saccharine content of this post may cause outbursts of hugging hamsters or other fluffy creatures.

Quiet-tude

i feel quiet lately.

just trying to get my sea legs here after being dismantled so many days. i get one problems solved and another comes to take its place. mostly health issues at the moment.

i'm almost at peace with this MS nonsense. i understand it. but add on anything else and i am damn resentful. it is too much then. and i like predictable. not that MS is predictable...but in some ways it is. it is becoming like my moods. it is an endless cycle.

balance...i desperately want it.

what do normal people do? people who don't have health issues or family who have issues and who have normal moods? what do you talk about? think about? write about? i have no clue. that is a world i have no understanding of.

i don't know if i am a better or stronger person for having all this shit in my life. it just is. you know? it just is. some people wear their pain like a badge but...really it is all about what you do with it.

what am i trying to do with it? easy...fucking survive.

lost my speech the other day...meaning i couldn't talk right. the words that did come out were pressured and sounded like i was drunk or on drugs or something. so i didn't bother to try to talk...i just waited until it passed.

i have been refreshing myself with learning some sign language. i only know a little. but...hey...if my voice ain't working then i got my hands. they better damn well work. see? a solution for everything. i know the basic signs for yes, no, toilet, and help. i refreshed myself with the alphabet as well. perhaps jim can help me with this. now i just have to teach everyone i know my signs in case i get into trouble.

well...anyways...it is sunday. i hope to find no problems here today. if only i could stop the world and just rest. not possible? how about five minutes...i will take that.

What do you smell?

I smell sex and candy...

suzie my idol

the character of suzie...from the larry david show...curb your enthusiasm...she is my fucking idol. love her!



if you have never seen the show...this is one of the greatest clips from the larry david show...he was the co-creator of seinfeld. the infamous...judy doll episode.

How to Pimp Your Blog

Okay my sweeties...our dear friend Slip needs our help.

He wants to add photos, a slide show, and links.

Perhaps we can make this a regular feature if all goes well. I am definitely NOT a technical person and I just found ways of doing things from trial and error basically. So here goes....

1. First thing I want to show you is...you can increase the number of widgets on your blog. What will this do? You can then have a widget for photos or code above your header as well as for down below at the bottom of your blog.

And here is how you do it:

a. go to your dashboard

b. go to lay out

c. go to edit html

d. Scroll down near the bottom. There should be code which says max widgets and a number. You can then change this number to increase your possibilities for more widgets. Widgets are things like photos, polls, html code and the like. Remember to save your changes!

e. If you ever get into trouble messing with your code and want your old template back...it is good to copy the old template for safe keeping...store it on notepad or something like that.

f. You can see the result of this change you just did to the template when you go to page elements. Now you have more "add page elements" to potentially play with.

2. PHOTOS on YOUR SIDE BAR or in HEADER:

a. go to add page element

b. then choose add a picture

c. Here it will give you a choice of an image from your computer or from the internet. Load up the picture you wish and remember to save your changes. If it is from flickr or photobucket you will need the html code. sizing may be an issue so they have a litte check box there to shrink your image to fit.

d. If you are putting the photo in your header you have some choices. You can either have a photo behind your words in which case you don't need another widget. Or you can use the extra widget above your title to put an image up there.

Good so far?

3. How to add LINKS to your side bar:

a. Go to add a page element.

b. Go to add link list

c. Have some links ready...they begin with http. When you visit someone's site copy the code you see in your bar up there (highlight it...control C) then go to the configure link list....and plug it in (control V). Name the link whatever you want to name it.

d. Choose how your links should be arranged...alphabetically or randomly.

e. Choose a title for your link list if you wish...remember to save...and voila...you have your link list.

4. How To Add a Slide Show or Film Strip to your Blog:

This is really fun...

a. First of all sign up to photobucket or flickr or any of the photo site places. I personally like photobucket. They have some very cool features there now...you can do amazing things with your photos and images...even put music to your home made slide shows. They also have where you can edit individual photos and jazz them up...make them look old fashioned and grainy or like works of art! They have also added where you can do some layering...sorta like what the photoshop can do...sorta kinda.

b. load up some photos from your computer to the site and make your collection to choose from.

c. Go to the Create Slideshow...they also have how to make a Re-Mix...this is with music. Anyways...each photo site is going to be calling these things by different terms. I only know about photobucket.

d. Basically follow the directions they give you on the site...photobucket makes it easy as pie really.

e. When you are done creating your slide show...copy the html code given.

f. With the choice of widgets on your blog...choose the HTML/java script....and copy your code into the box. Remember to save it and then voila...you have your slide show!


Now if anyone can add anything or make this easier...that would be great. It is all rather hard to explain if you aren't right there showing the person but this will have to do.

Slip...tell us if you have any problems and we will help you from there.

AND HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

for slip...

just wanted to show you what you can do...with photos on your blog. you can put them in the header or on the side bar. with photobucket...you can put ten pics on your slide presentation.

note to everyone else: just helping out a fellow blogger with their template.

Spring Solitude

Took these photos on a solitary bike ride...enjoy.

Reflections at the End of the Stream...

Well here we are...the end of the week...and what do we have to show for it?

I for one have grattitude. Found out that there is nothing seriously wrong with me health wise. Just the usual Multiple Sclerosis. And two small fibroids and one temporary ovarian cyst. Okay okay I promise to not discuss my female anatomy again. I take that back...I probably will.

I also have one hole in my kitchen ceiling from a water leak fiasco.

Plumbing issues was the theme of my week! :>)

But aside from these temporary setbacks...I am feeling quite chipper. I really am. I am not going to question it...I will just go with it.

I want to get back to writing...really writing. As opposed to what? This pseudo writing? Oh you know what I mean. I have it in me? Right? I can see success...signs of tangible success...and it terrifies me. I will tell you the truth...that writing for me is as much a wall to the world as it is a bridge. I love to hide in words. It is safe here...mostly.

Spring is here. You can smell it. Soon the sweet smell of grass clippings will permeate the air. Allergens will also breed sneezes and wheezes...the price you pay for pretty flowers and budding trees. Spring was my maternal grandfather's favorite season. I hadn't known this until his funeral years and years ago. My grandmother wailed, "But he will not get to see Spring come again, his favorite season." For some strange reason I think of her lament each spring. Both of them...long gone and cold in the ground, have not seen Spring as we know it for over a decade. But I will. And I am grateful. I suppose I am reaching the age where I wonder where my season will end. But that is another story for another time.

It seems I have turned more contemplative. My moods twist and turn even as evident by this one solitary post. And I am grateful for that too. I know I shouldn't be...I should be level headed and even keeled. But I'm not. This is me. I am up and downy. And that's okay.

It's all good.

I am glad to be here to move quietly into the next moment...here it comes. Catch it...because before you know it, it will be gone.

Thursday's Question for the Day!

See...I can be consistent. As promised here is the question for the day. But before I pose my question, don't forget to view my Blog Spotlight to read about bloggers I find exceptional (see post below this one).

THE QUESTION FOR THE DAY IS....

If you could have any super human power what would it be and why?

Aunt Flow

Warning: I am about to talk about... (looks around to see if anyone is looking)

*menstruation.*


I will say it again for dramatic effect...MENSTRUATION

Other names for this monthly feminine folly include: Aunt Flow is Visiting, Checking into the Red Roof Inn, The Curse, Riding the Cotton Cowboy, Clean up on aisle one, and my personal favorite...Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp.

Other noted euphemisms for our "special" time can be found here at this site.

Can't help to laugh at two other euphemisms I found for that time of month being... all anal sex week as well as blow job week. hahahahahahahahaha! seriously. yuh right. a man definitely came up with those. you can wish right? :>)

So finally I got my period after it being delayed by almost two weeks. As much of a pain it can be...I did miss it. I was also missing my PMSy self as well... believe it not. As a woman you just come to expect these things as being a part of your world.

I *knew* my time was coming by these special signs:

1. I found myself forlornly carrying a bag of chocolate easter eggs around the house so they would be handy. This was after already having squeezed a quarter tube of refrigerated chocolate chip cookie dough into my waiting mouth.

2. I had to turn off my son's Muppet movie where Kermit sings The Rainbow Connection because it was making me cry.

3. I found myself enraged that the lincoln logs were found mixed in with the legos.

4. I began reciting alanis morrisette songs...I'm a bitch...I'm a lover...I'm a child...I'm a mother... and shouting..."YOU OUGHTA KNOW!"

5. I wanted to take that damn downy fabric softener snuggle bear and rip his cutesy wootsie little head off.

So what are your special signs of impending rag time? How about your wife or girlfriend?

Wasn't this fun?

Blogging Consistency

If there is one thing about me...I am notoriously consitently...inconsistent. Eh...everyone is to some degree.

I think that one thing which helps me is some sort of routine. I like stability and dependability. And hey...if I can't have that in my real life...perhaps I can create it here to some extent with my writing. I do want to be more disciplined in my writing. I also am striving for some balance. Did you know? There is like a whole world out there which has nothing to do with the computer. I know...hard to believe isn't it?

And so thusly...(is that a word?) I wish to have regular features here on my blog.

Here are my plans:

Tuesdays will be for writing about my designated theme or my life experiences.

Thursdays will include: 1. The Blog Spotlight (where I will point out folk to visit and why I like their blog.)
2. The question of the week.

Fridays will include: 1. My end of week reflections.
2. Intermission (where I write about anything NOT to do with MS or heavy stuff.)

I am hoping that I can at least manage to do this much. We shall see!

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Kiss me...I'm Hungarian! Oh that doesn't work. Oh well...Just wishing you and all your kin a very Happy St. Patty's Day. Don't drink too much green beer ya hear?

Things to be grateful for...

Number one on my list today...indoor plumbing that works and running water. :>)

Don't ask.

ways to kill time...

was just looking for ways to jazz up comments with graphics on blogger but now i am thinking it is impossible.

anyways...here is the site i found...

yup...i am procrastinating. i need to do chores. blah.

My Home...My Brain

I have been thinking about my brain lately.

Now there is a strange sentence. Who is the "I" who thinks about the brain which makes the "I" possible in the first place? Or is it the other way around?

No matter. As I was saying...I have been thinking about my brain lately and I have surmised that it is an odd brain indeed. However, it is the only brain I have so I might as well embrace it.

Tried Prozac for a couple of weeks as you well know. It was a trip. I was having some medical "coincidences", so I opted to cease taking my medication. So I don't know what would have happened over the weeks had I continued but I did get a glimpse of life for me on Prozac. It was definitely doing something in there.

Mostly I felt tired and lethargic but who knows if this was the meds or my MS. I felt jittery in the mornings but this feeling faded within the first week. I seemed to sleep more and eat less.

Mood wise...there was a brief (several hours) within that first week where I felt spectacular. I felt GREAT as in Tony the Tiger G-G-GREAT! As a matter of fact...I was feeling so darn chipper that I telephoned friends to tell them the news. One friend who has been on many different anti-depressants was a bit worried that I was turning manic. She also told me this feeling probably wouldn't last...I would calm down and just feel normal good...whatever that means. She was right...this initial "euphoria" didn't last and was replaced by....more of a mental sluggishness. I remember trying to sit down and do my bills and having to stop in the middle as I literally could not think any more. I have never had this happen, even with my MS.

The sluggishness ended and I seemed to hit an even plateau where I said to myself...
"Hey...I am not sad." but then thought as well..."I am not happy either." I just was in this straight line state of...okayness. It seemed everything was equal in my mind. "Wanna go for ice-cream?" might bring the logical response of "Sounds good to me." But likewise..."Wanna watch endless re-runs of Scooby Doo?" might produce the same response. All possibilities for activity sounded equally as viable. Not only was I becoming lethargic but rather apathetic as well.

I found my sensitivities dulled in that things that would normally irk me would produce a spock like conclusion of "I should be upset by that but I don't feel so upset." Likewise a compliment or good happening would elicit the logic of "Yes this is good and a happy thing" but I wouldn't be feeling the corresponding feelings. It was as though the emotional exclamation points which had been so prevalent before, were mostly omitted.

And then I noticed the biggest change of all. My mind was....quiet. Eerily so. It seemed like the tv station of my brain was on the static white noise channel. I felt good as nothingness goes. I noticed that when I woke up, my thoughts were not banging against the gate waiting to be released. I merely....woke up...my eyes open to this new leveled terrain with no hills or horizon.

These feelings and changes were totally unexpected for me. What I had been expecting was either no change at all for that period of time, or else a very slight difference, perhaps in me being more goal oriented (which was the case when I took SAM-e). I also feared mania but that didn't happen either except for one afternoon of several high spirited hours.

When I stopped taking the Prozac, I noticed some things after only a couple of days. One was...my appetite came back. I was hungry again! The second big change is how my mind operates.

On a "normal" day for me...my mind is whirring faster than the tazmanian devil on speed. I woke up one morning and my mind declared, "I'm BACK!!!" with triple exclamation points. I had my usual background music in my head which I had lost during my stint on Prozac. It is just a thing for me to always have a song playing in my head...it is a different song everyday....I don't know how my brain chooses the varying melodies but it does. Today's song is Vacation...all I ever wanted...vacation time to get away...by the Bangles right? The BIG VOICE is back too...of the "I" of my brain who insists upon getting attention, "Hey LOOKY HERE! What about this thought? and that thought and then there are those thoughts you need to think about....HURRY HURRY!" Then there seems to be the quiet me who sits in one corner of the brain just overseeing what is going on, sort of like the Wizard of Oz, the me behind the curtain. And of course there is the librarian with the random card catalog she flips through complete with reels of film-like memories and sensory images. It is a virtual party in there complete with karyoke and colorful streamers of thought.

It isn't always a party of course, and especially when my moods come to turn frivolty to despair.

But this is the brain I have been given. I have to find a way to live here and function in the world. There is a certain comfort here...I know the place well. It is home to me.

Love it, hate it, in between...

I do believe it is time for some much needed levity.

Let's play the Love it/Hate it game. I will tell you ten things I personally love and you tell me if you love them or hate them or are just in between.

1. Who loves the Hamster Dance song? Remember this from years ago? Here is a link to the musical rodents. Whenever I am in a bad mood I know this song will cheer me up.

Love it? Hate it? In between?

2. I love french onion soup...the cheesy blanket over hot steaming soup...delicious. So many restaurants botch it up however, making it too salty to be edible.










Love it? Hate it? In between?



3. I happen to love boardwalks by the ocean. I love the way they creak and groan beneath the flap flap flapping of flip flops and tandem bicycles.









Love it? Hate it? In between?





4. Rollerskating! I used to go rollerskating most every saturday when I was a young teen-ager at the neighborhood rink. They would always end the night with a couple dance and would play Donna Summer's Last Dance....last dance for loooove.













Love it? Hate it? In between?





5. Most people may have never tasted this fishy delight but I do have a thang for pickled herring. When I was a very young child my mother and I lived in an apartment building which was run by an elderly Jewish couple. The landlady would feed me all sorts of yummy foods which I miss to this day.









Love it? Hate it? Never heard of it!






6. Tiffany lamps are so pretty! To some they may seem tacky but I love 'em. When I was a young girl I would go to a restaurant called Zaberer's by the seashore and the whole place was decorated with tiffany lamps. I vowed when I grew up to own a few.











Love it? Hate it? In between?






7. Chai tea. I just love me some chai tea. I am not a coffee drinker so when I go to a coffee shop this is what I order. It is delicious both hot or cold!











Love it? Hate it? Never had it?







8. How about Mickey D's french fries? I know they might be bad for ya but they are the best fries in town in my opinion...especially when they come out fresh from the grease fryer.









Love 'em? Hate 'em? In between?








9. Moonflowers....awww so pretty! I love the way they glow in the moonlight. There is nothing like them. Gardens are so much fun to watch in the evening...you can literally hear things growing.







Love them? Hate them? In between?









10. Ahhh and last but not least...train rides. I have travelled by train more than several times now and I love it...you really get a sense of adventure riding the rails...feeling the miles dissapear behind you.




Love it? Hate it? In between?










Now wasn't this fun? Come on...humor an old lady....

Hmmm...

Well...got a call from my neurologist's office today. It was the nurse relaying a simple message from the doc that the Prozac will take another two to three days to get out of my system. So of course I asked, "But did she say whether or not the prozac can be causing the sorts of symptoms I have now with my bladder and not getting my period?" and she says...the doctor only chose to answer the one question of how long does prozac take to leave my system.

so...??????? does this mean she is in agreement with me stopping it? does she feel it could cause these things? who knows huh?

lol

Straight answers...I fear I may not get them. Off to my general practitioner today. I am a lot more hopeful he can help me. He is the one who pretty much helped to diagnose me quickly with MS. He is a good doc.

I am learning lessons here...not sure what they are yet but I am definitely learning something. :>)

Hope you all are well. I promise to write more normal stuff soon...when my little medical mystery is resolved.

---------------------------------------

UPDATE: just came from my regular doc and...he wants an ultrasound for me. This seems logical and reasonable. He is also thinking a possible fibroid problem or else an MS symptom of retaining urine in the bladder. I have no clue at this point.

Please god...no more medical issues...MS is enough for now. Right? Doesn't work that way I know.

A Health Diary

When I attended a conference some months ago about Mutltiple Sclerosis, one of the talks was about the creation of some sort of Health Diary. I thought it was such a good idea, that I thought I would pass it along here. It is common sense really and I bet a lot of you are already doing this if you have any chronic type of condition whether it be a physical or mental health issue.

I usually just write things on my wall calendar and then I went from that to stuffing items into a manilla folder, but today I went out and got myself a three ring binder which I will be filling with information. One of the presenters at the conference went so far as to use spreadsheets but...lol...you might not want to be that "organized."

Make sure to keep track of time lines...when conditions began...when symptoms first appeared, any pertinent information which you may need to present to your doctors. Keep a list of all your medications, dosages, etc. Also keep any records from the hospital such as MRI's. I have my latest ones on computer disc which is nice...much easier to tote around than the big 'ol scans. For women...keep track of the first l day of your last period...any changes, etc.

Regardless of what conditions you have...I just think this is an excellent idea. Sometimes when you review, you can see patterns of illness. This is a great idea for mental health issues as well...such as how you are handling any medications and if there are any patterns to your mood changes.

Never thought much about my health before but boy am I now! Wish I had done this years ago. For me...my first MS symptom was over ten years ago and it is hard now to remember the details. All I know is that I had optical neuritis and had an MRI. I couldn't tell you the doctor's name or medication used.

So anyways...you never know when you might need this information so write it down!

Do you guys have any other points to consider about recording your health information? How do you guys stay organized?

Logic and Pain

I am going to preface my recent tale with one from many years ago. Basically I had a blueberry muffin one morning at work. Tasted fine going down. But then later in the day I was so nauseated I could hold nothing down. I was sick for days with something which was causing me to vomit up anything I dared to ingest. For about a year after that incident, I couldn't even look at a blueberry muffin. Was the muffin the cause of my distress? Most likely not yet...the correlation (the image of blueberry muffins) to my being sick was strong enough for me to lay off the muffins for quite awhile.

Something has been happening with me lately...medically...and the only new thing I have introduced to my system has been Prozac. I have no idea if this is all a coincidence but I want to relay this anyhow...just to see if anyone has had a similar experience.

Started taking Prozac in hopes that it would level my moods and also give me more energy (this is one of the drugs which can be recommended to someone having Multiple Sclerosis to increase their energy.) I have traditionally been very resistant to taking any type of mood medication so this was huge for me to try this. But finally I was ready...I was committed to giving it a good try. I understand/understood that it can take up to six weeks for the drug to grant you the full effect.

I also understand that with any drug...whether it be prescription or supplement...there CAN be side effects.

I am going to tell you the main part of this story but also follow up with how this drug otherwise affected my mood for the two weeks. A lot has seemingly happened in this brief time period.

It was almost a week into it when I was experiencing much discomfort (doesn't even begin to describe it) with pressure on my bladder and urinary frequency. I called my gyne...and went in...thinking I had a urinary tract infection. That would make sense. I do have MS...it is common for folk with MS to have bladder issues. Only problem was/is....this is not a UTI. There is no blood in my urine...no pain in urination...just this unbelievable pressure. So despite the test showing no infection...my gyne gave me anti-biotics for a urinary tract infection and sent me on my merry way. I showed up the next day because the pain and discomfort had grown so intense I literally couldn't stand it.

And this is one of the reasons I think I may want a new gyne is...he did not help me one iota. More so he seemed quite impatient and frustrated upon my arrival to his office a second time. Thing is...I have given birth twice...so I know what pain is. I hate going to doctors. I put them off for as long as I can. For me to go in there a second time...I was in great pain. So with no diagnosis...he wants to basically send me home telling me the old cliche of "take two aspirin (alleve) and don't call me in the morning."

I explained I was just starting Prozac. I asked him about cysts or fibroids. I was/am grasping at straws. He reluctantly did a pelvic exam and found my uterus enlarged and tender and my bladder was beyond sensitive. Yet he still could not say what he thought it might be. I asked about the MS connection...he didn't think so. Then again...this was the same doc who before I got my MS diagnosis...I was telling him of my symptoms...asking if they could be gynecological in origin and he just simply said no...and didn't show any concern whatsoever or even suggest that maybe I should ask my regular doc about the strong MS symptoms I was showing!

*sigh*

So...he sent me home with a script for napraxen...which is a little stronger than alleve...and let me tell you...it did nothing very little for my pain but at that point I was grateful for anything. I had to plead to get that. I asked him if that would help me get some sleep because it was so bad I couldn't sleep. He offhand told me to take Benadryl to get to sleep.

I mean...I am no doctor but if you think it is not a UTI...then wouldn't you want to investigate to see what it might be?

They also took cultures and were supposed to call me back on a Friday. No call. I call Friday to find the whole office leaves early that day. I call Monday and they finally call me late in the afternoon to tell me the cultures show nothing. So I ask what it could be. The same doc who told me days ago that my fibroid had not changed in size...says now it could be my fibroid causing this. And what to do? Nothing. No suggestions of what to do whatsoever.

Here is the thing...I will lay out the facts here. I do have a fibroid...have had it for years...it has caused me no problems. I do have MS. I do not have a urinary tract infection. I did start taking prozac two weeks ago and these problems all began after that (the problems being this horrible pressure and discomfort with my bladder. The thing is...it comes and goes. It does seem positional. It does seem that something is pushing against my bladder.

Oh and as the coup de grace...I am now one week late with my period. And before you ask...NO. Absolutely NO way...unless I am the virgin Mary herself...that I could be pregnant.

Something isn't right. Symptoms started when I began the prozac...a grand coincidence? I have NO CLUE! But to be safe...I tapered myself off and am now off of it. I still do not have my period...I am still in discomfort and peeing all the time.

I am guessing....the prozac contributed to this (I will show you what I found on-line related to this), or...I have some sort of infection that wasn't detected, or...the fibroid could definitely explain this...or...an ovarian cyst...or the worst thing...undetected ovarian cancer.

I am going to see my regular doc tommorrow and see what he says. This just all sucks because I don't know what is causing it. When I know I will feel much better mentally.

Lesson of this is...BE YOUR OWN BEST HEALTH ADVOCATE! If you don't like what is going on with your treatment...speak up...get a second opinion...get answers. And this is exactly what I intend to do.

As for prozac...it may have absolutely NOTHING to do with my symptoms. But at this point I thought it safe and logical to stop taking it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Additional notes: Happened to find this in the internet literature concerning the possible side effects of Prozac:

Frequent side effects:

Urogenital (referring to the urine and reproductive systems): Painful menstruation, Sexual dysfunction, Urinary tract infection, Frequent micturition (urination).


Infrequent side effects (1 in 1000 people may experience one of these)

Urogenital (referring to the urine and reproductive systems): Abnormal ejactulation, Impotance, Menopause, Amenorrhea (stopping of menstrual cycle), Menorrhagia (menstrual distress), Ovarian disorder (disorder of the ovaries),

Vaginitis (inflammation of the vagina), Leukorrhea (vaginal discharge), Fibrocystic breast (growths within the breast), Breast pain, Cystitus (inflammation of the bladder), Dysuria (pain while urinating), Urinary urgency (having to urinate immediately), Urinary incontinence (unable to control urination).

Questions for the day...

Everyone ends up seeing a doctor for something or other. Some of us have more than our share of doctors and specialists especially if we have a chronic condition or disease.

I go to see four docs now including my general practitioner, dermatologist, gynecologist, and neurologist.

Here are my questions for you....in no particular order.

1. What do you feel are essential qualities that you look for in your doctors?

2. Do you feel that gender makes any difference in how well you jive with a particular doctor or specialist?

3. What would make you stop seeing a doctor/therapist/specialist?

A Sense of Community

I have been thinking about blogging lately and why people do this and what it all means. For some it is a fun new toy to play with. It is amusing to tinker with lay outs and templates and fixing up your blog "home." For others a blog is their showcase for their artistic talents and writing. For yet others a blog is way to share information about a particular hobby or interest. There are others who use a blog as a daily diary, to transcribe the events of their days to share with family and friends. Then there are more "professional" bloggers who are all about marketing themselves to garnish the biggest audience for whatever they are wanting to promote. There are as many reasons for blogging as there are colors in the rainbow.

But for me...I would say that the biggest reason I love to blog here is for that sense of community. This is very important to me. And it is strange really as I am such an introvert. Yet part of me has always been committed to bringing people together as a way both to help myself and others.

I am a firm believer that you can't do this all alone. You need other people to get through life's struggles and challenges. Self sufficiency and independence are great qualities no doubt but for me...I value INTER-dependence more...which to me means....people helping people.

Don't worry...I won't break into song..."people....who need people...are the luckiest peeeeeoppple in the world!" sorry....couldn't help myself. :>)

Seriously though...as I have been immersed in the blogging world now for many years, one thing really strikes me as profound. And that is...that for so many....the blogging world IS their world. We are so very lucky to have this technology to bring people from around the world together. I can talk to someone half way across the world from a different continent....about everyday life matters...who I otherwise would have never met. And likewise I have met folk who maybe lived a hop, skip, and a jump from me in real life...but still otherwise would have never befriended them had it not been but for this marvelous technology. Blogging can be a wonderful way to connect easily with other people. Think about how difficult it would be otherwise. "Hey over there in England...you wanna come over for some tea?" Uhhh yeah...not gonna happen. So we have our tea and conversation right here where it is do-able.

But back to my original point...which I am losing in my runaway trains of thought here....one of my big revelations about blogging has been this: There are people out there who count on the blogging connection as their primary social support.

And this is not a bad thing...it just is. For some this is the reality. It would be nice if all of us had a wonderful supportive family. It would be ideal if all of us had tons of real life friends who came over all the time. It would be great if the real life community were always adequate to meet every one's needs. It would be peachy if we all had the time to meet up with a real life support group. But the reality is that illness, family needs, just life in general prevents us from reaching out in the ways that we would like to. One way to get social support needs met is through this on-line medium.

Everyone is on a continuum of how much social support they need or are able to give. Some folk literally have nobody and some folk may seem to have a lot of family, friends, and real time community but for whatever reason feel uncomfortable to ask for help. Then there are people who are more trapped by their physical or mental illness...who are more unable to get out and about. There are individuals who are struggling with a particular life circumstance which makes them feel that they are all alone. For whatever the reason, there are so many people who rely greatly upon the on-line experience of blogging to help them get through their day.

I know about this because...hey...I am one. I can't tell you what it has meant to me for you all to visit and just say you care. I have been helped by your friendship and I am so very grateful.

I would say that most everyone of you is already doing this in some way....some of you in huge ways...but maybe take the time to visit folk from the blogging community who might need a little cheer and a spiritual boost. Leave ego at the door and the unspoken blog rules of a comment for a comment....and go reach out to someone who may need you. Every one of us is going through some sort of challenge. Nobody is immune to pain and suffering. But it doesn't mean we all don't have something to give. When you can, when you are able, reach out to others and give of your gifts whatever they may be.

It all has a domino effect. You make someone smile. They in turn are more happy and able to give more to their kids or even a stranger. I really want to believe that the good stuff travels.

I am reading a book about MS...it is called "My Story: A Photographic Essay on life with multiple sclerosis." It is a collection of small essays by people who have MS. I was most inspired by one young lady named Liane who had gotten the diagnosis of MS in her very early twenties and her reflections upon how this disease has impacted her life. And believe me...I am not into polly anna cliches. I like real. I honestly did feel a genuine connection to this young woman's words. I shall leave you with a small passage from her remarkable essay:

"However, as I learned more about MS I had to decide that I would not live in fear. It is frightening indeed to learn that there are so many unknowns in the realm of MS and that there is still no cure. I began to feel all my dreams slip out of the reach of my numb hands. Would I ever be on Broadway or in a movie? Would I get married and have a family? Would I still change the world? The questions were interrupted by a visit from my pastor who gave me life changing and inspiring advice. Pastor Wayne encouraged me not to ask, "Why God? Why me? Why now?" but to ask, "What is your plan Lord? How can I use this to help others?"

And like I have said before...I am not too terribly religious. But there is profound meaning in these questions. These are the very questions I have been reluctant to ask but perhaps it is now time.

I think I am feeling better...

I am almost afraid to say I feel better because everytime I do...I go back to feeling sick. But I think...I hope...that I am significantly better.

All I can say is...it sucks to be sick. It sucks even more to be in great pain. I thought about folk who live with chronic pain and I don't know how they do it. I will never ever take my health and feeling good for granted again.

Normal everyday "boring" days are a true blessing. I want more and more of them!

I hope you all are well and in good spirits. I will be writing as I can...

Much peace and love to you all.
Merely Me

The first time...

The first time I remember being in a church was about a year or so after my father died. At the time of his death, I was only about four and my mother hastily explained that he had "gone to sleep." If there was a funeral, I was not part of it. I only have vague images of my father such as he and I having a tea party with stuffed animals. One day he is pouring me pretend tea and seemingly the next, he is gone.

My mother never recovered from losing my father. I lived in the wake of her profound sorrow for many years. The man whose image grew more and more hazy to me over the years, existed with astonishing clarity for my mother. Her schizophrenia helped to resurrect my father in daily hallucinations. When I found my mother talking to herself, it was usually the case that she was really talking to my father's spirit. I always wished I could see or talk to him too. My mind, perhaps lacking in imagination, was forever trapped in reality. I could never enter my mother's world of talking to the dead.

There seemed to be a place, though, where the real world and spirit world co-existed. I found a place where others also talked to their dead. Nobody will accuse you of being crazy if you speak to spirits within the safe confines of church.

And so my mother and I found ourselves in such a sanctuary one winter day. I remember the way my mother's coat smelled coming in from the cold, the snow still clinging to soft wet spots on her shoulders. I can see the inside of the church, the porcelain bowls of holy water near the entrance, the wooden pews, the stained glass windows, and the flickering of candles in the corner. I had no idea what it all meant. But I did feel the specialness of this comforting place.

I watched as my mother walked towards to corner of candles and slowly lit one. Her wavering breath sends the flames to dance, casting shadows upon the wall. It is a solemn moment which is lost upon my childish mind. I stand, entranced by how the light and shadows play. My eyes look upward to the height of this great cavern. I find myself mesmorized by a swirl of dust particles caught in the refractions of multi-colored stained glass light. I become so immersed in my sensory fantasy that I almost miss seeing my mother.

When my gaze finally holds her, she is so still, it seems time stops. I watch as a single tear makes its journey down her cheek, staining her otherwise porcelain face.

if it's not one thing it's another..

went to the doctor today...i thought i must have a urinary tract infection as...i feel pressure to go when i have just gone. something is definitely wrong but...they didn't see anything from their little test. i did get antibiotics though.

is this just the beginning of these sorts of problems related to MS?

asked my gyne if he thought that this was MS related and he felt it was too early for this to happen. i suspect he is wrong.

can anyone tell me more information or tell me of your experiences with this? i just want to cry...i was so sick and now add this...it is like come on.

i just want to feel well.

wanted to add...actually he did see leukocytes? how do you spell that?

hello...

hey everybody...

been sick here. i think i am on the mend....i sure hope so.

will write soon. hope you all are doing okay.