light and then dark

I have been wanting to write about this for some time now but it is kinda hard to talk about. There is humor in the story I am about to tell you, but it is of the dark kind. And know that I am in a good place right now as I write this. I am not depressed right now, far from it. It is from this good place that I want to try to see this episode in my life with a little perspective, humor, and whole lot of humility.

Why am I about to share this with you? Because I believe a lot of folks have been there, are there, about to be there. I am talking about depression here...the kind that leaves you lifeless and dry...and the kind that makes you think crazy things.

And I want to tell you what it feels like for me.

This isn't something I talk about a whole lot, with anyone. I have always wanted to control my emotions mainly because they seem so out of control a lot of the time.

This happened some months back when I was in the midst of a major depression. I can see now how...chemically it came on so sudden like. I was trying taking something and...after a couple of months it seemed to not be working. Like an idiot I stopped taking it cold turkey and...the fall was very bad.

The thing about depression that people who do not suffer from mood disorders don't understand is how very physical it can be. It isn't like...oh i am sad...boo hoo and spill a few tears. It physically hurts. Your body is drained. You don't want to move. You don't want to get up out of bed. Talking seems unbelievably difficult. Basically you suffer. The body and the brain get together and beat the shit out of you.

It is like being in a tunnel where it is impossible to see any light. My favorite analogy for myself is that it is like sitting at the bottom of a well. Sometimes people come and peer over the edge but they can't quite ever reach you . You are too far down.

Every loss you have ever felt in your life comes back at you full force. Memories you do not want to re-live play over and over in your mind leaving you hollowed out and at their mercy. "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" seems more than appropriate for the place you find yourself in. You are one raw exposed skinless creature cowering in fear and pain. But there is nowhere to hide. Your mind offers you no relief.

The thoughts pour in then as you begin to drown. The thoughts are all about being worthless and the mantra of "I don't matter...I don't matter" begins to rain. Part of you struggles to retain some semblance of normalcy...get up...talk to someone...get a cup of tea...do a chore. But everything feels slow and painful...like you are trying to walk through nettles. All your mind begins to focus upon is ending that pain anyway that you can.

You start to think crazy things...like endless sleeps...or drowning...or running away...or harming oneself paradoxically to end/release all that pain.

It is comical in a way...so very melodramatic...larger than life. The pain becomes the very center of the universe and you are trapped there. Other people cannot see this or begin to understand this. "Why?" "I don't know why...it just is." Not talking becomes easier and a way to save oneself that energy of explanation when there is none.

I was feeling...this...some months ago. And...I did not want to share this with family or friends. I didn't want to burden anyone with...me. I also didn't want judged. I also have my own demons of never ever wanting to in any way resemble my mother who is very extremely mentally ill.

I decided to call a suicide hotline.

No I don't believe I really wanted to commit suicide. But I was thinking of it and that is where it begins...as a thought in your head. I didn't want to die so much as get relief...and I could see no way other than the thought to just end things.

(just a note here...I don't want suggestions or well meaning advice here. I am telling this story so that people can better understand what this is like. so that you can help others when they need you or so that you may help yourself as well.)

Now here is the humorous part if you can believe it.

I think I chose a number out of the phone book...a national suicide hotline number. You are not gonna believe this but...I kept getting a message that all operators were busy and nobody was there to receive my call. Yeah...that's nice. Too many suicidal people that day...so sorry. Try again...or...not.

That response in itself began to make me laugh.

So I tried another number and this time, although I got a hold of someone...I could not hear them. The connection was bad. I would begin my lowly monologue..."I am just feeling extremely depressed today and just wanted someone to talk to." The response begin with the other person trying to get more information, "How depressed are you....." and then the voice would trail off as I would tap the phone and yell, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" They would try again but to no avail. More than frustrated after many attempts I slammed down the phone.

At least this gave me something to do other than oust myself.

I had written to a friend about my ordeal and we came up with this little skit. Just goes to show you humor can be found in the darkest of situations.
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Boy I like that first one. “Hello, if you are thinking of doing away with yourself press one. If you aren’t serious but just thinking about it press two. Hello you have pressed one so you must be serious. Our clients are important to us. All available counselors are occupied, but your call is important to us. If you could just wait to do the deed your call will be answered in the order it was received. If you have an Internet connection, you might want to check our website HelpAren’tUs.Org.

While waiting, please take our survey. If you are planning to take pills, press one. Knife, press two. Jumping off cliff, three. Jumping off bridge, four. Revolver five. Getting police to do it, six. Train, seven. Tractor-trailer, eight. Airplane, nine. Doctor assisted, ten. Phil Spector, eleven. OJ Simpson, twelve. We did not understand your selection. Press zero to return to the main menu. This is the main menu for HelpAren’tUs. Our offices are now closed. Normal office hours are from noon to 12:01, odd days of the month. If we’ve been able to help, please tell a friend.”

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Perseverence must be my middle name because I tried a third time using another number. This time...thank god...this time I got a live person and a good connection.

Frank was his name. Frank was wonderful. The man let me talk for nearly an hour. I had no idea I had so much to talk about. But it all came out for Frank. Maybe because he was a stranger. I didn't give a fuck...I could say whatever I wanted. That kind of freedom is a blessing.

Basically Frank used all the good therapy techniques which...I already knew but seemingly sayiing them to yourself...doesn't do shit. You need that outside voice to say the right things. He told me I had a right to be sad. He told me I had a right to feel rage. He told me he could tell that I was a strong woman. He told me my loved ones would not be better off without me. He said...simple things. Common sense things. But yet nobody says these things. People want to fix you or pick at you until you come up with explanations or...they minimize or patronize. What Frank did for me was to give me permission to feel. It was okay to feel like this no matter how ugly I felt. He allowed me to retain my dignity...my humaness...and my ability to forgive myself.

I ended the call when I could walk away feeling like maybe there was a little hope after all.

Know that I am vulnerable sharing this. It is not something I am particularly eager to share with the world. But I think the risk is worth it. I am a strong woman but I am human too. And so are you. If you are someone who can relate to all this...please know that you aren't alone. Please know you matter. Please whatever you do...hold on. Even if it means calling a hotline. Do what you have to do to survive. Depression makes us think and feel crazy things. It sounds stupid as hell but there is tomorrow. One of my dear friends who knows me well helps me so much by saying factually..."you have been through this before...and you are going to feel better in time." My friend is always right. Yes the pain will come again without a doubt. People who suffer from mood disorders...it does seem to be a life long affliction. But it doesn't mean that there aren't good times too...and more importantly there are times of great meaning for what you can give to the world despite and especially during your suffering.

Whew...glad that is over with. Now onto lighter fare...