Here comes a stream...i think it is time. clear my head.
yeah my birthday has come and gone. a new year. new beginnings. old endings? what has ended? i suppose my innocence over my health is gone. just something you take for granted.
i remember in grade school...right before thanksgiving...we would have to make a list of things we were thankful for. and...the teacher would give suggestions...health was one. i never thought about it then and for many years. now...mental health...i have thought about my whole life. but this physical stuff...is all new to me.
why me? why not me?
everyone will get sick. it is the truth of the matter. sick with something. sooner or later. this is life.
i am getting to know my body better. the body is an amazing thing. and i am gonna say...with particular bias...the woman's body. i once went to this conference where the speaker was talking about women and men and adaptation. men are geared to be hard...unchanging...as represented by their bodies. women are more amorphous...ethereal...changing shape and form depending upon their surroundings and circumstance. look at pregnancy as a prime example. we woman are structured for change. we are soft but in that softness we are yielding. i am finding my body changing once more and i sway and bend into it.
i will adapt in my womanly way.
sorrow. yes there is sorrow in this. and rage. and all the storms of emotions. there is balance in everything. to get to acceptance you gotta feel the feelings. there are no shortcuts...this i do know in my old age. :>)
but i ain't dead yet and don't plan on non-existing any time soon. and in the meantime i do want to celebrate my life. dear lord it is time. i have lived my life thus far for other people. this time...i want to reserve some life for me. i can say for the first time in my life...i am important. i matter. i want my moments. for me!
sanity...i am enjoying it while it lasts.
8 comments:
Of course you matter! I'm glad you finally realize that.
(((HUGS)))
You're very important and you seem to be loving yourself more all the time. It's a delight to watch you take your journey and to see the fortitude you're now showing. You wear it well.
And I repeat the HUGS in the previous posting.
"There are lots of temptations and there are plenty of excuses. Keep in mind, though, that you are in control of you... To reach the destination you have chosen, you must follow the path that will take you there. And while diversions and distractions will constantly come along, remember that you are in control of you... Your thoughts, your words and your actions are precisely the ones you choose. They can take you anywhere you would like to go... Though many things are out of your control, you are always in control of you. You can respond, you can adjust, you can persist and you can move in the direction of your dreams, no matter what the outside factors may be. You are in control of you. Your decisions in each and every moment determine the quality of life that you live. It is a heavy responsibility and a magnificent opportunity. You are in control of you, and you will always go right where your actions take you."
Ralph Marston
It is easy for me to know that I am important and that I matter, but, because so much of my life has been dependent on others' csre, it is very, hard to feel deserving. I want more than ever to, give, give, something - another womanly tendency, I would suppose. Did you ever have children? I think my blog is to the ghosts of my children who never were.
I'm glad you are in a good place. I hope that your birthday was whatever you wanted it to be and that any wishes you made come true for you!
Affectionately,
+PHc
I am the opposite: I have lived my life on the care of others and I want, want,want, to give something back that is meaningful to me . I"ve exhausted known means. I think my blog is to the children I won't be having to take up my life's energy.
I hope your birthday was everything you wanted it to be, and that any wish you might have made comes true for you!
Affectionately,
+PHc
I find that focusing on other things than MS is crucial. Ask yourself: if you died tomorrow, what would you most regret not doing just for YOU? Then figure out a way to makr it happen.
Repeat as needed,
The body eventually betrays us all, some of us encounter that fact a lot earlier than we would want. I am so glad to read those words: 'I matter'. Yes you do.
attitude and gratitude... both go a long way, and you have em, IN SPADES!
yes, do take time for yourself... when you do not, you cannot help those you love
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