I have been meaning to talk and share about a book I had gotten out of the library about depression for some time now. I see the book needs to go back soon so I better get with the program!
The book is called, Talking to Depression: Simple Ways to Connect When Someone in your Life is Depressed and is by Claudia J. Strauss.
I cannot say enough good things about this little book. But I will try here. I think this will be a multi-post theme as there is much to cover. I want to highlight some of the most poignant parts of the book for me and then I wish to discuss those parts and how they relate to my own life and I invite you to do the same.
Let's start with the chapter...Seeing Through Their Eyes. This was a particularly helpful chapter in that they ask questions of folk who suffer from depression so that their answers may be read by people who are trying help.
Here are some of the questions and answers and feel free to answer these yourself in a comment.
1. What does depression feel like?
some of the answers from the book included:
"A lack of hope"
" Unable to bear the thought of any more pain, for any longer."
" Empty. A zombie. Staring at walls, but not seeing anything, not thinking anything. Blank."
" Angry, Reliving nightmares over and over. But they are real."
"A feeling of incompetence, incapacity."
Care to add to the list?
Let's see...I personally would include:
* A slowing down of everything. You are trying to move through the day and it requires energy you do not have.
* You ache inside and out. You grieve. You mourn.
* You feel as though you cannot tolerate another minute of it but you know you have to.
* You seek validation from the world and others for your feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. You get mad when people negate your views.
* There is such an inertia to it....you don't want to do anything. Nothing interests you. Nothing feels good or gives you pleasure. You sit and wait for it all to be over.
And these are just off the top of my head.
The million dollar question is next....Where does it seem to come from?
Some of the respondants from the book said:
" I wish I knew."
"Failure"
"Abuse"
"Stress"
"It started with grief. It turned into this."
For myself...I would answer that I believe much of mine to be inherited and biological in origin. I think certain folk have a predisposition to it and then bring on the environmental stressors or hormonal/chemical imbalances and...voila....you got yourself a depression. I believe it to be multifactorial.
I think for those of us who have had a lot of loss in our lives...lots of emotional trauma and/or abuse as children...it can be particularly bad for us. I think those early traumas mess with the wiring and responses of the brain.
Some of it is cogniton...relying upon old patterns of thinking about things especially pertaining to hopelessness and helplessness.
Current grief and loss certainly can trigger it big time as well as anniversaries of grief times. Christmas seems to be the worst for so many people.
Sometimes it is related to the seasons...lack of light....shorter and darker days.
Duh...I forgot the obvious. MS can cause depression and not just because you are sad to have it...I mean it can cause it...biologically. Also the meds for MS can cause depression as well. Are we having fun yet?
But mostly....who knows? It just comes. It just is. None of us with depression want to be this way. It is extreme suffering.
Much more to come. I hope this is helpful so far. Please comment on these first two questions if you can relate.
Come sit a spell and shoot the breeze. Sweeten the day with a little synchronicity...
32 comments:
What does depression feel like?
To me, depression is a cycle when I feel that I am not being productive with my life. I feel like I want to be alone and forget everything.
Where does it seem to come from? From my experience, my own depression comes from dealing with daily stress and coping with them. When I fail, I get depressed. (Note: I have MS and some medications side-effects do cause depression so I am taking something for depression.)
Excellent post!
What does depression feel like?
Like you are alone, hopeless, and no one can reach you no matter how hard you or they try. You feel cut off from everyone and everything. Nothing matters especially yourself.
Where does it come from?
For me it comes as a result of trauma.
Check, check check. I hit every one of those markers. I guess that's why I'm on a psych ward's worth of meds.
Hehe...but I'm feeling good today and that's good enough for me. Until I have to drag my ass outta bed again tomorrow....
depression sucks..
I, like most people have been depressed. That being said, I know how bad it can make you feel- and how little that makes a difference in what the world expects of you. I am not an optimist or a pessimist. I am a realist. You must give before you get. You must never let people know you are down, as they will see a whiner. You must show strength you didn't even know you had- to get respect, instead of pity. Respect is huge- go get some!
anyone care to respond? :>) the floor is wide open!
Buffalodicky,
While you may have been depressed it sounds to me like you have never suffered from true clinical depression.
When a person is depressed they don't give a rat's ass about respect. I got plenty of respect when I was depressed. It didn't mean a damn thing. Nothing means a damn thing.
You may know that the world expects things of you but you either feel like you don't have it in you to give anything or what you have is not worth giving.
And when I was depressed I often hid it from the world, because like you said I did not want to be seen as a whiner. I discovered that by hiding it from the world I was often denying to myself that I had depression which only made it worse.
I too consider myself a realist, most anyone who knows me would agree to that. The difference between your realist view of the world and mine I think is that you have never been clinically depressed. If you had you would have never made such an uninformed statement.
re: buffalo's comment..
i don't see anybody whining here, but just a frank discussion on what it means to be depressed, seriously depressed... not the blahs, the down in the dumps, the depression and snarkiness that comes with pmsing....
The thing I respect most is honesty. I most love the people who will honestly share with me their true feelings - no pretense. I want real people as friends - whether they're up or down. And if I had a friend who was depressed and who didn't share that reality with me, covering it up instead, I would think he/she didnt trust me enough to allow me to give her support.
Respect may be huge, buffalodicky, but having someone I can love is much, much more important than that.
"You must never let people know you are down, as they will see a whiner."
This is the same type of bullshit thinking that keeps people from allowing themselves to work through their real emotions. "Stuff those bad feelings way down there, and then, people will like you!" is the message a lot of people, especially pre-adolescent girls, get from their parents.
What a load of crap. I want to know how my friends really feel.
"You must show strength you didn't even know you had- to get respect, instead of pity. Respect is huge- go get some!"
More bullshit. And this load of horse crap reminds me of the people who think apologizing is a sign of weakness. I have more respect for people who can show their human side, and own their shit, and ask for help from their friends than those who go through life thinking they have it all figured out and show a "strong" face to the world.
Life is huge, BuffaloDICKy - go get one!
I rarely feel depressed, maybe I never have been, my mother and I seem to have ingerited the "happy gene;" as we both have had plenty to be depressed about. I have had personal relationships with people who suffer from depression and I have come to recognize it and understand it. A insipid comment like, "Get some."(self respect) shows not only your total lack of the ability for empathy, but also a callous self-loathing. Me thinks thou doth protest too much?
As far as what causes depression, I agree that one can be predisposed and then environmental factors play in. If I see someone fall, I lend them a hand up. I comfort them. If they are in a deep well, I call for peofessional help, and THEN I comfort them. Usually, people who say, "GET A LIFE!" mean: Get MY life. Depression is a serious condition and anyone who suffers, yet survives, is a person of great inner strength.
I think that sometimes holding on creates a never ending depression.
Whether it is a past injury or a perceived psychological hurt, holding on to a painful event and never letting go of it can cause depression.
Unless it is a biologically or chemically induced depression can be made to go away.
Just because a depression is labeled as clinical does not make it more "substantial" or more resistant to cure.
Believing such a thing is an uninformed opinion...
Excusing depression is just as negative a way of dealing with depression as ignoring it or pretending it does not exist.
I believe there is a certain validity to buffalodickys idea of faking it until you make it theory.
As a matter of fact there is a lot of data to back him up.
There is no one belief, position or treatment of depression. There are as many treatments of it as there are causes.
If you believe your depression is manageable it will be so. If you believe you can never rise above it, you won't.
Dirk, I think faking it is not always an option. Wouldn't life be grand if we could handle it that way? I hope what you mean is that a positive attitude helps one move forward, but you see, that is one of the attributes that depression takes from a person. I wish I could fake away my MS, as an actress I know all the tricks, and brother, it can't be done.
Excuse me? "...excusing depression...?" Data to back up? When the data comes out to back up that humans have souls--call me. DATA? LOL Calling Dr Freud. Oh, I am sure Dr. Phil would agree with that "data."
Did I not say that there is no one single cure?
I'm not saying there is a miracle solution.
I'm just saying that buffalodickey is not one hundred percent in error as the self proclaimed expert, whim claims him to be.
Her position of putting him down because his ideas do not coincide with hers is untenable.
That was my point...
I also did not try to imply faking it till you make it to M.S..
Apples and oranges...
I would never treat all illness, whether physical or psychological in nature with one cavalier treatment method.
Dirk, It's the very nature of depression to take away the ability to have hope that you can rise above it. It's simply impossible - your brain will not allow that to happen. And when you're clinically depressed there is nothing you can do to make the brain act differently. It is not within your power.
Can a person with a gash in his arm make that wound disappear by simple willpower? Neither can we make what's happening in that organ, the brain, disappear by simple willpower. There's a biochemical malfunction.
People who have not experienced clinical depression should in no way make comments like the ones Dirk or Buffalo have made here. They are simply not qualified to make them. It's only by experiencing depression yourself that you can truly understand what it is.
You must give before you get.
See, I believe more in giving and getting at the same time, a symbiotic relationship. And I also believe in respecting people until they give you a reason to not respect them. And being depressed isn't a reason to disrespect someone.
Do we disrespect people who have diabetes or cancer? Are they whiners for showing their suffering? Depression is a biological disease like any other.
And assuming that someone with a biological mental health disorder hasn't tried their damnedest to feel better on their own is irresponsible and ignorant.
To assume that someone is depressed because they haven't tried their hardest is insulting. Every person with a mental illness has done everything in their power to fight, claw and scratch at a better life.
Yet for some people, their full force of strength isn't enough and they need help through meds, therapy, good support and caring friends. Everyday is a struggle and yet we go on. Ever forward. So don't assume ever again that depression means that people haven't tried hard enough.
The respect should come easily for those of us who have to deal with crushing depression and other mental illnesses. Dealing with these things takes courage and strength just to stay alive.
So it may not get respect in your book but finding a way to survive another day isn't whining nor undeserving of respect for those who love and know us. Not to those who's lives would be crushed and destroyed if we killed ourselves because we held in our emotions for fear of being called a "whiner," or a "weak one."
The problem doesn't lie in the one being seen as a "whiner" but rather it lies in the person who sees someone with depression as a, "whiner."
Telling people to fake emotions and further fuel a serious mental health situation is arcane thinking. Ask any psychologist and they'll say that such a route will bring the opposite of relief for suffering and misery.
If you knew many of us who suffer from major depression and other brain disorders then you'd know that we are some of the strongest, courageous, bravest people that you'd ever meet.
Amen to that, James. You put it all so well.
marja - What rubbish...
I do not have to experience heroin to know it is bad for you.
I do not have to touch a hot stove to know it is hot.
Your logic is nonsensical...
Dirk. You may know that heroin is bad for you. But, if you've never taken it, can you fully understand what it does to you?
whew...okay. i need to say something quick here. i love you all except for buffaloDICKwhatever.
i thought it was actually good in a way that this dude had the audacity to say what he did. because this shit is out there. this is a good platform for discussion. i openly invited people to come here and voice their opinion. i could not let such a comment stand. such disrespect on MY blog...no uh uh...i won't stand for that.
but dirk...you are my friend...i am listening to what you are saying and i want to have the kind of site where people can disagree and say what they truly feel. however...you know i am gonna come back and disagree with a lot of what you are saying. knowing you care and have good intentions does help.
i am going to keep talking about this topic. this shows me how important it is to educate and inform about this topic.
and soon i am gonna take my whiney ass to bed! :>) be back tomorrow to post up a storm!
the one thing I have no compassion for is the position of,"My pain is so much worse than anything you've ever experienced that you can never understand my suffering."
Please...
So many wonderful books have been written lately by people who suffer from depression and how they have learned to minimize the impact of it on their lives.
When the only acceptable response to someone is,"Oh you poor dear, is there anything I can do for you?" something is wrong.
Depression is an ailment, not an excuse for surrendering control of your life or refusing to take any responsibility for it.
Depression is not a get out of jail free card.
merelyme - I do not consider you to be a whinny ass...
Dirk, you have just accused ME of being an enabler. If you knew me (I use my true full name, so you must know I have nothing to hide or fear)which you do not,but anyone who DOES know me, knows I am NOT an enabler. I do not suffer fools. I am a kick-ass truth-teller,as I stated I do not suffer, ok, have depression,but I have seen it in numerous forms, and reading merelyme's blog-I do not see her or anyone commenting, as requesting a get out of jail free card. We are NOT comparing apples to bananas,blah,blah;YOU ARE. Meet me in the alley. LOL
Too long a dissection for comments--blog on,ye bloggers! Peace to those who deal with depression. If you ever DO need a good bondsman--gimmee a hollar.
hmmm .... interesting ... all these different points of view ... and while some of them may not be expressed in the most polite form, i can see how many hold grains of truth (well, ok, in my opinion, some hold more grains than others)
i mean, we all have our realities, don't we? i knew a guy who was seriously depressed and had a terribly painful condition and hid both from everyone, including his wife, for a decade. was a that a good idea? from my perspective: no. but from his perspective, that was his way of coping.
the first thing i think of when i think of my bouts of depression is the difficulty making decisions. i'm not talking about major life decisions; i'm talking about black sweater vs. blue sweater. it's like some vortex that sucks me in.
for me personally, it clearly has genetic origins but there is often always also an emotional trigger. it's like the depression is always dormant and it needs something to wake it up. and sometimes it just shows up, it's like a black cloud moving into my life, and i can almost FEEL my body chemistry rearranging itself.
I believe that a person should take control of his life as well, Dirk, and do everything I can do to inspire people to do that. I've written one of those books you speak of (Riding the Roller Coaster - Northstone, 1999)and a second one is awaiting publication. I have lived with bipolar type 1 disorder for 43 years and have built a good, happy life for myself. I contribute to society. Yet I do have compassion when a person has depression because I know what it is. I still have it often - am just getting over an episode now.
I'm sorry if I sounded upset, Dirk. Guess I'm protective of all the people who I know suffer. I have started and facilitate a faith-based support group for people with mood disorders and I care about them. My object in our sessions is to help people develop coping skills. Mostly they need a place to talk, a place where they will not be judged and where they'll find out they're not alone.
Merelyme,
I'm too tired right now, but thank you for inviting me into this. Buffalodickdy or whatever sounds a lot like my father, actually, - blaming people who suicide even for their weakness, so I'm used to both engaging and dismissing the conversation as pointless. But I'll try tomorrow.
My brother is human, but isn't depressive in the way that I am, but he's strong and real in a way that allows him to see that there is a clinical difference between us that way whether he can understand it or not, and that I do take responsibility to the best of my ability by treating my problems the best I can. I think a lot of people respect my brother for his understanding, whether they look down on me or not.
I meant to say about my brother that people respect him for his compassion (not "understanding") because he knows that there are things he doesn't understand.
And as an aside, depression is definitely not a "get out of jail free" card. It is jail.
dirk...you are saying things privately that you aren't saying publicly...and you are saying things publicly that you wouldn't say privately. you gotta mesh the two somehow.
you are my friend and i respect you and i am trying to listen to your viewpoint. as well...i would encourage you to listen to others who voice theirs.
Re some of these ponderings (and I'm not singling anyone out):
I am an addict and alcoholic with nineteen years clean and sober.
I do not enable anyone in their various acts of self-destruction.
That does not mean, however, that I shouldn't LISTEN to someone when they feel a certain way, any way - depressed, happy whatever) and try to off them the benefit of my experience. Sometimes, the benefit of my experience is to recognize what someone may NOT even recognize for themselves - that they have a very real clinical psychological issue that they have been self-medicating with drugs and alcohol for which they need to seek professional medical and/or psychiatric help.
Depending on the person that may take weeks or months, or it might never happen. If they are making an honest effort to deal with the problem and get into the solution, I'm not going to kick them to the curb.
I don't consider that whining, or my efforts enabling. My philosophy is that since I don't stand to profit from someone's disease, I certainly have no stake keeping them sick. Once given the information, if they choose to not act towards a solution of some kind, THEN, and only then, all bets are off.
Anyone who thinks you can simply will depression away is, in my book, severely misguided, just as those who say that addicts and alcoholics are merely weak and lacking in willpower.
i concur with your feelings, hon!
what it is, for me: a downward spiraling, free floating into a bottomless abyss
where it comes from, for me: stress and loss, for the most part... probably acerbated by the pollution and chemicals we are all exposed to in our environments, from infancy to adulthood... with some bits inherited
You and everyone else has covered this, I think. There are so many reason, biological to learned patterns, to a lack of coping skill. Depression runs in my family, as do other disorders.
The feeling that nothing will change is probably the worst of the feelings I experience. But when taken to its farthest, most logical conclusion, I've realized that if nothing will ever change. And if nothing will change, then suicide will change nothing, except for the fact that I will no longer be here. That has kept me alive--along with knowing that someone will have the trauma of finding me dead, and the horror that it would cause my mother, knowing her oldest son rejected that which she gave him.
Some people find it morbid that a person can think about death this clearly. But they do not know how much a depressed person can think of life itself as the enemy. They don't really know how deep these thoughts can go. You understand because you have been there, as have I.
Any thought that keeps one from the brink is a good thought. And with surviving depression has come much knowledge. It has slowly become easier to cope with. Through friends, through writing, through talking with others who are depressed and who would like to hear reasons to live. It can be so hard to look for them--sometimes, it takes another person to let you know the reasons are there.
I read this yesterday and wanted to think about my response. But I guess I could have responded with this at that time.
Anyway, I would like to recommend a book, as well. "Lincoln's Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness" by Joshua Wolf Shenk. It just goes to show that the sufferer of depression is certainly well-practiced at one thing--the ability to think deeply and clearly. We may not always think clearly in regards to ourselves, but we do have the ability to take on almost any subject of interest and excel.
Take care, you!
I have to get answering back to my people on my blog. Been a little out of it lately, but it's OK> I'll be back by to respond to more of your posts.
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