okay...i am actually feeling good enough to write. yesterday i couldn't even imagine it. this rollercoaster ride is quite a trip.
the conclusion i come to about moods is...how very biological in origin they are. so that is part of the picture. certainly other things come into play. yet i wonder how the world can look so very different from one day to the next.
it is like the depression rips open a black hole where you can see all these things you wish you didn't. and then as it dissipates...the hole closes up and the blinders go on and...all those bad things go swirling into deep dark space. you know they are there but you can no longer see them...they seem so far away.
i like to do repetetive things when i am so depressed. sometimes cleaning helps if i have the energy. i didn't this time. and sometimes just re-directing the brain to absorb anything else helps. this time i found solace in doing word searches. it was painful really. my brain didn't want to work. didn't want to re-focus. but i bent it into shape by finding stupid letters making up words...like a computer...filling up the evil space with something meaningless. i found an emotional void.
and this is utterly silly but i also found solace in watching an old sitcom i love...will and grace. i had gotten an asked for DVD collection of their first season and...i just began watching them back to back. i found myself laughing despite myself. just something else to distract me from pain and bad thoughts.
sometimes talking and writing helps but sometimes all that does for me is it wears a stronger groove into my depression...it deepens it. and i can't believe i am saying this. i do believe in talking about what ails you. and denial is bad and so on. yet...there is something to be said for re-direction and distraction. the problems will all still be there. but who says you have to solve everything in one day. and isn't it better to tackle those problems when you feel better mentally? in the meantime...rest...give yourself comfort...do things to get out of your mind (safe and good things).
and too...during those bad times...i am a quite the bitch. yes true. depression doesn't always manifest in weepy wails. sometimes it makes one...well...nasty. duct tape would be a good device for me on some days. i feel much better hiding that part of me away...protecting others who may innocently get in my way. no depression ain't pretty. this ain't no party...this ain't no disco...this ain't fooling around. :>)
i think i am better at this than i used to be. i remember my college and grad school days where my moods would cause me much hardship because i lacked the insight to predict them. okay i still cannot predict my moods...but i do have more...foresight now? back when i was in school i remember having so much energy on some days...weeks...where i could do no wrong! i switched schools on a dime...i changed my major...taking all sorts of classes i had no business attempting. one minute i was a psychology major and then next...i was in nursing. (ended up switching back) i would do things like...if there was a group project and the others in my group complained about not having the time to do their share...why...i was right there to say..."sure i will do all your work for you...not to worry!" i once did a group project that was supposed to be done by five people...solo. i would...not study...pull all nighters...and get away with it all. and then my mood would change. i would sink. and then i wondered how in the hell i would survive doing any part of what i was once doing with such ease.
i laugh now because i still do this to some extent although i do now exercise caution when i am feeling more well. just because i think i can do it all one day doesn't mean i can nor can i sustain that high energy. i should not sign up for all the classes, volunteering, social stuff that i feel i can do when feeling well because when i sink...i know i won't be able to do squat. i have to think do-able...moderate...to match all my many moods.
anyways...i am back to babble. i am feeling better...not totally there but definitely better and having the energy to express myself here.
i sure hope you all are doing well and i will be by to visit you soon.
and yes we shall get back to our love theme.
more to come!
merelyme
11 comments:
I know exactly where you are, where you've been and where you're going - I drew the map!
God Bless our MM! xxxx
I don't think I've ever experienced the invincibility you describe, even during really good times. But I definitely comprehend the deepening groove which occurs with depression at times. Sometimes, for me, phrases will repeat and repeat in my head...or I will tell a story to myself repeatedly. I just get caught up in it.
BTW, I loved Will and Grace! and currently am obsessed with Sudoku.
Big hugs.
Been there, Done that and will never stop. Glad you are getting better.
Hugs, Jim
i never thought myself invincible...i just had more energy...that was the main thing. i have never been diagnosed with anything but clinical depression but i feel i am a close cousin to our friends who have bi-polar disorder.
Different days require different methods, but as long as you have a box of distraction tools available that is a good thing.
I remember last time I was trying to cope through a terrible depressive period (situational) I somehow got into telling jokes (I rarely remember them) and developed a capacity to remember a whole bunch. I guess making people laugh was my way of coping. In turn people starting calling me to tell me a joke.
I can't remember any of the jokes now lol!
I'm glad you are feeling better! I hope it continues!
Power and painful post.
Very courageous again.
your thoughts are bang on, hon!
i love w&g, laff myself nuts at times [we have reruns here]
I'm glad the fog has lifted (so to speak).
I don't think I have ever been in a state that I would describe as depression but I do get very moody and some of them are quite morose. In those states I just can't let go of my current most worrying thought and it just seems to go deeper and deeper.
The only way I can get out of it is to finally give myself a kick to plan a counter attack but sometimes it takes me days to get to that point.
"but i feel i am a close cousin to our friends who have bi-polar disorder."
I just learned today that several of the anti-epileptic drugs we MSers use for neurologic pain are also used for bipolar disorder. I don't know if you use any of these drugs for pain, but if not, it might be worth investigating them for mood swings. This is out of my area of knowledge.
From the NYT today:
"These medications are primarily used to help epileptics control seizures and to calm the surges in energy and mood that, along with bouts of depression, characterize bipolar disorder. The drugs, which include Depakote, Lamictal, Topamax, Keppra, Lyrica and Neurontin, are sometimes prescribed for chronic pain and headaches, as well."
The article was really focused on increased suicidal risks, but it was interesting.
Post a Comment