I had a dream just hours ago where I woke up saying this practically out loud.
It was a dark nightmarish dream. I dreamed I was in this village or ward or institution...I couldn't tell...where the inhabitants went wild every night in violence against others or themselves. Each morning someone would be dead.
At first I was fearful for myself but then I just wanted to help. So I gathered people up during the day and told them this could no longer be. They had to stop this.
And one teenager girl sitting on a chair began to spew..."You haven't been abused your whole life...you haven't seen the things I have." And this...made me billow up like a storm cloud and I raged in her face...listing everything in my life I had gone through...all the things she had and more.
I found myself yelling, "You have to own your stuff...all of it! Nobody is responsible for you now but YOU!"
In my last fit of emotional machismo...I continued to rage by pointing a finger at myself and saying...I have been through fucking and hell and back but...
"I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LIFE"
I have no clue as to what prompted my dream but...I still am feeling the emotional residue of it. This isn't something I would declare to anyone in real life. But evidently it is the truth of how I feel.
I suppose I still have a lot of anger for those people in my life who would not or could not take responsibility for themselves.
And I am still so very angry.
Come sit a spell and shoot the breeze. Sweeten the day with a little synchronicity...
9 comments:
that's what i've always admired about you, merelyme..
the fact that despite everything you've been through you 'own' your life..
you are you..
xo
Whoa... sounds like me. I have had similar dreams.
I have learned not to be angry but rather disappointed in them. They are too selfish to take care of themselves. That's how I see it.
By the way, good morning. Hugs
The mind is an amazing creation. It controls our physical body (usually, but with MS...?); it allows us to 'think' and 'feel'; it processes incoming information; and it processes the information already inside of us. I appreciate dreams which have helped to process emotions and experiences which I may have thought laid to rest or dreams which allow me to rage and scream and act out in ways I NEVER would in conscious moments. Those types of dreams have protected me from burying emotions which I would not have (previously) allowed myself to feel.
In more recent years I have discovered that some of the repeat dreams I had had periodically over the years were actually real situations which I had experienced as a little girl. One time I got brave enough to talk to my mom about some of these 'odd' dreams that had stayed with me over the years. She was then able to fill in the surrounding information which verified that these dreams were actually memories. Whoa, that was a revelation. But I would have not really understood if I had not been brave enough to be talking about some other dreams specifically and these types of dreams in general.
In putting myself in your dream (sorta), I find myself wanting to tell that teenager the following. "Just because I look like I've got everything together and I look unharmed on the outside and that I could not possibly have gone through what you've experienced....I have gone through much worse and I'm not here whining about it...Now get yourself together, stop blaming everybody else, and join me in protecting everyone here before something much worse really does happen to you."
Or maybe if you are that teenage girl, you really want to be comforted and consoled. Maybe you need someone to hear you, to acknowledge what you've been through, and to allow you to be angry at those who caused those things to happen to you. Maybe you want that girl to shove those emotions away, shake it off, pick herself up and move on.
Back to me...I've found that when my rage and anger at those who I thought should have been more adult-like or responsible turns into pity for their inability to deal with life in a different, I find a little peace within and am less angry. But explosive dreams like yours still erupt from time to time.
Hmmm, I think I can understand where you are coming from, because I have been there and back too.
Up till I was about 30 years old, I was sooooooo angry at everyone in my family. For everything. For outsiders standing by and watching what was going on, for NON intercession, for enabling the offenders (parents)instead of making a difference for the children, for parents never being proud of any one child's accomplishments, for not being thankful that at least one of their children took care of them in their times of terminal disease and eventual deaths,,,just for alot of STUFF.
But around age 30, I had just had my first LIVE baby (5 misses first) and looking at that baby, I started to wonder how he would remember his childhood. Would he be proud of his parents? Would he love us or hate us? Would he truly take care of us if need be out of love or out of responsibility?
You see, I spent so much time being angry and almost no time giving love to any of them except for my Gran. That does not mean to say parents/brothers/etc. were deserving of my love, but as parents/family, were they owed my love?
I have learned that alot of emotion and energy is wasted on anger. I don't think I have ever graduated to hate. But extreme anger, yes.
When I saw how it was destructive to ME, who it SHOWS on ME, that is when I took inventory of myself and decided that I am the only one who is responsible for me and how my life eventually pans out and if I allow anger to overtake my life, it was gonna get real ugly real soon.
Little did I know that within three years I would be the caretaker, caregiver, and power of attorney for both parents and finally guardian of a brother. I think if I was still in my previous MODE, that it would have been all that much harder to do anything for them.
It is true that people can be so malicious in statements and actions toward you when they do not know the first thing about your life or your life lessons. And you know what? They don't need to KNOW them. We might feel like we need to share them. We might think there are some in our immediate circle who should always be aware of OUR hardships along the way.
But they will tell you that THEY don't need to know about us because they have their own set of STUFF. Each of us experiences the bad breaks in our lives differently and some more deeply than others. And if we hold on to the anger around those experiences, it inhibits our growth.
I really believe that the hardships we endure are given to us not only because of the old adage that "God never gives you more burdens than you can handle." I believe they are also lessons to grow by.
Because of that lesson, I think it makes me (and you) a better parent, better wife, and a better person than that girl who grew up in a very dysfunctional house.
End of soapbox. Ugh, sorry for the wordiness!
that whole responsibility thing can be a real kick in the teeth. but i feel it's the only way to live my life, since there's nothing i can do about other people and their actions, and the more i rage about them and how they treated me, the more my ability to love and experience joy atrophies. so fuck them, i'm the boss of me.
or, so i say when i'm feeling strong anyway.
more power to you as you slog through.
Ayn Rand... Atlas Shrugged...
Thats what came to mind, reading your post.
Listen to your dreams.... it's you talking to you, and can usually be trusted.
I too send a hug.....
Wow. Such depth of insight. that's cool. Usually I yell stupid shit like "Chocolate mousse is the true god!" and my wife wonders what it is I shouldn't be eating before bedtime.
dreams are strange creatures...i still don't know what prompted my dream. i have a feeling there was more to it...but anger was definitely a predominant feeling.
maybe i wish to be cared for and not so responsible all the time. something like that...
What a great dream! They so often speak truths we need to hear.
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