Functional Dysfunction

I have always known that something was up with me. I have never felt...well...normal. But then again I dare anyone to clearly define what or who is normal. I am thinking more and more that we are all on some sort of mental health spectrum.

Look at what has happened with the disorder of autism these days. The spectrum is wider than ever, with growing numbers of people being diagnosed who would have never been diagnosed with this before. People we would have thought of as geeky or a little off center now have "autism." I hear stories about Einstein and even Bill Gates as being autistic. Poor Einstein has been adopted by many groups as having all sorts of disorders I am sure he never gave any thought to while alive. I am not sure what to make of this trend. I am thinking that I don't like it as you end up with so many people competing for services when clearly there are folks who have far more impairments than others.

Should someone who has Asperger's Syndrome(a mild form of autism) and is high functioning, holds a job, and gets along in the world adequately speak for someone who, at the same age, is non-verbal and needs constant care? Should they really be thought of as the same group bearing the same label?

It is with this over generalization of labels in mind, that I am reluctant to say what I am about to say.

I am feeling much more than a kinship with those who have bi-polar disorder. I believe it is a spectrum disorder as well, and now this is being reflected in the DSM to diagnose and differentiate between mental disorders.

There is a great danger to diagnosing oneself. You can now go on-line and look up symptoms and find all sorts of could be's. I must say, however, I have had some experience. I *knew* about both my son's autism (I had worked in the field though) and I also *knew* that I had MS long before anyone officially told me.

Yet my mood has bewildered me my whole life. I had been diagnosed with depression years ago in my twenties but nobody has ever spoken of Bi-Polar Disorder. Then again, most people don't talk so much about the highs as a problem. Why would anyone want to feel less happy, less energetic, and less productive?

I have always tended to relate well to others on the mood disorder edge. I have had more than several friends who have close relatives with Bi-Polar I Disorder. I would listen to their tales of a mother, a father, a sister, or a son....who might get up at three in the morning to prepare a four course breakfast, dance on top of their car because they felt like it, attempt to sell their house without their spouse's knowledge, quit their jobs to drive cross country only to end up homeless, exercising for eight hours, buying large ticket items like pianos...even when they didn't know how to play the piano, being so upset that they might hide under their desk at work, fly into rages at slight provocations, and making suicide attempts that ultimately lead to hospitalization. We tend to hear about the extremes and then in comparison we always think...no that is not me. That has never been me.

But then we come to realize that there are gradiations...levels of severity. Mood disorders will not manifest in the same way for everyone. Many people who have mood disorders hide them well. There are people who function well to the outside world, but are dealing with an inner hell.

I feel I am one of these people. I have never been hospitalized. I have never engaged in too risky of behaviors. Whatever it is I have has not led me to lose everything. I am fortunate that I have never hit a rock bottom mood. Yet this in between, every day, cycling between moods has been extremely difficult.

The closest answer I have come to recently to explain what I am is Bipolar II. While I have never experienced the euphoric extreme highs of mania....this term of "hypomania" is a darn descriptor of how I do feel some days. It is always within the realm of functional behavior and in my opinion this is when I feel the best. I am energetic, full of personality, creative, and ever productive.

I found this on the web to help explain:

"Hypomania

Technically, this is literally "little" mania — the familiar symptoms but less so: Mood much better than normal Rapid speech Little need for sleep Racing thoughts, trouble concentrating Continuous high energy Overconfidence

You may have noticed that "delusions" have disappeared from the list: these are by definition not found in Bipolar II. A patient who has had the above symptoms repeatedly, without having delusions, is much less likely to lose contact with reality (including abnormal perceptions such as auditory hallucinations, which are common in bipolar mania) than a patient who has experienced delusions.

"Bipolar II" is technically the combination of hypomanic phases with separate phases of severe depression If the depressive phases are only mild, the term "cyclothymia" is used."

And then this:

"Roller coaster depression

Many people have forms of depression in which their symptoms vary a lot with time: "crash" into depression, then up into doing fine for a while, then "crash" again — sometimes for a reason, but often for no clear reason at all. They feel like they are on some sort of mood "roller coaster". They wonder if they have "manic-depression". But, most people know someone or have heard of someone who had a "manic" episode: decreased need for sleep, high energy, risky behaviors, or even grandiose delusions (‘I can make millions with my ideas"; "I have a mission in space"; "I’m God"). So they think "well, I can’t have that — I’ve never had a manic episode".

However, the new view of bipolar disorder means it’s time to reconsider that conclusion. Hypomania doesn’t look or feel at all like full delusional mania in some patients. Sometimes there is just a clear sense of something cyclic going on. (For a striking version of this, read a patient's account). Some mood disorder experts consider depression that occurs repeatedly to have a high likelihood of having a manic phase at some pointFawcett, especially if the first depression occurred before age twenty.Geller, Rao These two features--repeated recurrence, and early onset--are also included among the bipolar "soft signs" below: not enough to make a diagnosis, but suggestive, especially if they occur with several other such signs--even if "hypomania" is not detectable at all!Ghaemi "

This information was gleaned from this site about mood disorders which I found to be most helpful.

The last thing I want to do is misrepresent myself or minimize what anyone else is going through. I peer over the edge of how much further I could fall during a depressive episode and also how much more I could fly into a dysfunctional and life threatening euphoria and I realize that the scope and range of mood is seemingly infinite.

Some people have to endure such extremes and although I get a glimpse of their world I can never truly know what it is like. I only know my world.
I am here...I am some outlier of a data point....off-center....neither here nor there...in some sort of limbo world of ever changing moods.

Does one really need a new label? Hell no. Believe me, I have enough on my plate as is. I certainly don't go searching for dysfunction. But it seems a relief to me to know that there may be a name for this. There is some logical explanation for the days of being on top of the world and the next....cascading to the depths of despair. It helps me to know that there is a reason for this hellish chaos.

This is my stuff. My moods. My issues. I am responsible for me. But it also helps tremendously to understand what I am dealing with. And now I know I am not alone.