I have been thinking about my brain lately.
Now there is a strange sentence. Who is the "I" who thinks about the brain which makes the "I" possible in the first place? Or is it the other way around?
No matter. As I was saying...I have been thinking about my brain lately and I have surmised that it is an odd brain indeed. However, it is the only brain I have so I might as well embrace it.
Tried Prozac for a couple of weeks as you well know. It was a trip. I was having some medical "coincidences", so I opted to cease taking my medication. So I don't know what would have happened over the weeks had I continued but I did get a glimpse of life for me on Prozac. It was definitely doing something in there.
Mostly I felt tired and lethargic but who knows if this was the meds or my MS. I felt jittery in the mornings but this feeling faded within the first week. I seemed to sleep more and eat less.
Mood wise...there was a brief (several hours) within that first week where I felt spectacular. I felt GREAT as in Tony the Tiger G-G-GREAT! As a matter of fact...I was feeling so darn chipper that I telephoned friends to tell them the news. One friend who has been on many different anti-depressants was a bit worried that I was turning manic. She also told me this feeling probably wouldn't last...I would calm down and just feel normal good...whatever that means. She was right...this initial "euphoria" didn't last and was replaced by....more of a mental sluggishness. I remember trying to sit down and do my bills and having to stop in the middle as I literally could not think any more. I have never had this happen, even with my MS.
The sluggishness ended and I seemed to hit an even plateau where I said to myself...
"Hey...I am not sad." but then thought as well..."I am not happy either." I just was in this straight line state of...okayness. It seemed everything was equal in my mind. "Wanna go for ice-cream?" might bring the logical response of "Sounds good to me." But likewise..."Wanna watch endless re-runs of Scooby Doo?" might produce the same response. All possibilities for activity sounded equally as viable. Not only was I becoming lethargic but rather apathetic as well.
I found my sensitivities dulled in that things that would normally irk me would produce a spock like conclusion of "I should be upset by that but I don't feel so upset." Likewise a compliment or good happening would elicit the logic of "Yes this is good and a happy thing" but I wouldn't be feeling the corresponding feelings. It was as though the emotional exclamation points which had been so prevalent before, were mostly omitted.
And then I noticed the biggest change of all. My mind was....quiet. Eerily so. It seemed like the tv station of my brain was on the static white noise channel. I felt good as nothingness goes. I noticed that when I woke up, my thoughts were not banging against the gate waiting to be released. I merely....woke up...my eyes open to this new leveled terrain with no hills or horizon.
These feelings and changes were totally unexpected for me. What I had been expecting was either no change at all for that period of time, or else a very slight difference, perhaps in me being more goal oriented (which was the case when I took SAM-e). I also feared mania but that didn't happen either except for one afternoon of several high spirited hours.
When I stopped taking the Prozac, I noticed some things after only a couple of days. One was...my appetite came back. I was hungry again! The second big change is how my mind operates.
On a "normal" day for me...my mind is whirring faster than the tazmanian devil on speed. I woke up one morning and my mind declared, "I'm BACK!!!" with triple exclamation points. I had my usual background music in my head which I had lost during my stint on Prozac. It is just a thing for me to always have a song playing in my head...it is a different song everyday....I don't know how my brain chooses the varying melodies but it does. Today's song is Vacation...all I ever wanted...vacation time to get away...by the Bangles right? The BIG VOICE is back too...of the "I" of my brain who insists upon getting attention, "Hey LOOKY HERE! What about this thought? and that thought and then there are those thoughts you need to think about....HURRY HURRY!" Then there seems to be the quiet me who sits in one corner of the brain just overseeing what is going on, sort of like the Wizard of Oz, the me behind the curtain. And of course there is the librarian with the random card catalog she flips through complete with reels of film-like memories and sensory images. It is a virtual party in there complete with karyoke and colorful streamers of thought.
It isn't always a party of course, and especially when my moods come to turn frivolty to despair.
But this is the brain I have been given. I have to find a way to live here and function in the world. There is a certain comfort here...I know the place well. It is home to me.
Come sit a spell and shoot the breeze. Sweeten the day with a little synchronicity...
14 comments:
You know, I read with some trepidation that you were venturing into the "mood control drugs" land. I went that route for just over a year, and stopping them was one of the best things I ever did. Granted I did take the time after to leap back into meditation and mental self-control that I had sadly let lapse over the past years, but I really didn't care for that...okay...feeling. You mentioned feeling it, the feeling that anything and everything was just...okay. I'd rather deal with the ups and downs than that endless grey 'okay.' Frankly, it scares the beejebus out of my internal monkey. *g*
i am so glad you wrote this comment...i thought it was just me...perhaps i have a strange brain which reacts differently to the stuff. but that is exactly how it felt to me. i can see where it would do much good if i were wanting to hurt myself or worse...it would keep me afloat. or maybe it would even out over time...but...it just felt weird and i did not care for the feeling. i feel bad...almost guilty saying this because i know that prozac and anti-depressants help a lot of people.
i like your brain....
and after reading your posts and comments from other's i reckon i'll live with my brain and the downward spiraling in can partake in at times. as long as i manage to climb back up, i reckon i'm okay.
xo
nuffin wrong w/yer brain, lass :)
like i said before, for me, it was the matter of stopping my downward spiral i was concerned with... it did that... after, i forced myself to 'normalize'
amazing the things you write about, since i recall none of that happening with me....
not to worry...that was just me up there trying to get the code for some comment graphics to work...which it didn't so i deleted my own comment. lol
trying again...
http://img02.doobix.com/blogger/hello/pictures/hello_non-animated_16.jpg
darn it...it is not working! nothing like talking to oneself on one's own blog. tee hee!
The brain is one of the most important organ of our bodies. There were times that my brain did not function the way I wanted it to function.
My doctors said it could be combination of anything and can't narrow down to a specific cause.
Most days, my brain functions just fine but other days, I feel like I am walking like a zombie.
hugs, Jim
I think your brain is great. And there are drugs out there that don't leave you with that ok feeling. It's just a matter of finding what works for you (and hey maybe drugs won't but don't give up yet).
Another thing I've found very helpful is acupuncture. I have a wonderful acupuncturists who helped me through many challenges. When I was finally diagnosed with MS, she actually felt guilty for perhaps delaying my diagnosis by helping me to deal with some of the symptoms along the way.
I have no real understanding of how it works (and there are many who do not believe that it works) but I was able to find more equilibrium and calmness in my overactive brain through acupuncture. If you lived in northern virginia, I'd hook you up.
*g* Sometimes talking to oneself is just as much fun as talking to strangers! *snort*
I'm thankful for the place to speak about it, dear. It works for folks, it does. I'd go so far as to say it works for a LOT of folks, and most of them probably even need it, but you know, sometimes the answer is in there, it doesn't come in a little plastic bottle, and all it takes is a little digging. *smile*
You question yourself a lot. Do you question others also? I have always seperated Diane from Diane's brain; which came in handy when MS entered my life. There is a conversation going on up there always. My better half has pictures up there always. Our brains would drive the other crazy. I like my brain better than I like me! I feel sorry for it---truck crash, MS and all; and it feels/thinks it is failing Diane. I feel its sorrow. But it is stubborn, refuses drugs (booze/pot/et al)...poor thing and I(Diane) don't believe it knows it is shrinking. (Though, it is countering right now, "Hey, the eyes in your face are ME, stupid!") Hmmm, never thought of that. OkI've gone on too long. Glad to hear you are embracing your brain. The beginning of a wonderful relationship.
I really got an enormous insight into the effects that anti-depressants have on some people. Both from your post and the ensuing comments.
Except the ones where you couldn't get something to work ;-)
It is great to read your posts and I really thank you for sharing. You make a real difference and contribution.
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