On being "positive"

I am not sure how we got here but I sure have gotten to thinking about this topic now and what the word "positive" means in the world of health. I began writing about my symptoms of MS and then about coping mechanisms and somehow we have a theme rising out of nowhere of the importance of positive thinking. Let's examine this shall we?

Let's take cancer as an example. One of my close friends has cancer right now. She talks about it...courageously. She has a website about her experience. She uses humor, information and facts, and her experience to help and inform others. I would never imply, insinuate, or instruct her to always be "positive." This would be insulting not to mention condescending. It assumes that she is not positive already. It would also assume positivity is the panacea of feeling when you have a chronic illness. You don't go around demanding everyone in the population be "positive" so why is such a particular request for those who have a physical illness?

People will feel as they feel. The one thing you can never dictate to someone else is how they should feel. The emphasis is upon the word should. Judgements about how people should feel are never acceptable or helpful.

When you have a chronic physical illness (and I am about to tell you that most of us eventually will have one if we don't already now) you are going to feel all sorts of emotions. You are going to feel in shock. You are going to feel pissed off. You are going to feel sorrow and grief. You may even experience guilt. And I am here to say that is all okay and normal. As a matter of fact, it would be abnormal to not feel these things.

Most people, when faced with having a disease, are not going to be La-la-la-ing across the fields like a smurf on coke. If so then there truly is a need for a funny farm.

The true meaning of being "positive" for me means...you are going to feel crappy at times, curse the universe and possibly God, cry shreik and yell, and then you will get up again to face another day. You will find ways to survive. You will find ways to channel your grief and anger into other energies...possibly creative ones. You will adapt and grow. You will use your experience to help others going through the same thing. And on a really good day you will reframe the experience and find meaning. And believe it or not the actual reason behind this blog right here is because I do find meaning in this experience and I want to share that with you.

However, it is ill advised to go about telling people what they should feel under this circumstance. It is just plain wrong.

I think instead of this cliched "positive thinking" we use as a strategy for every ailment or challenge, I would like to promote instead, the notion of emotional resilience. Emotional resilience goes beyond thinking happy thoughts. Emotional resilience would include the strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable. True strength isn't about avoiding messy or "negative" feelings. True strength is acknowledging that you do have them and allowing yourself to feel them. This stoic silent solitary person devoid of all emotions constructing a log cabin in the middle of the prairie all by themselves is a myth. We are all human. We feel things. And what's more, we all need help. Thus we share and lean upon each other. We are INTER-dependent creatures whether we want to think so or not.

I am sitting here thinking of the emotionally resilient people I know. None of them have fake smiles plastered upon their faces. A lot of them are downright cantankerous. It isn't so much about some superficial positivity as much as the strength and desire to perservere. The emotionally resilient person is not afraid to face fear. They are afraid but they do it anyway.

So where did we get this notion about "positive thinking" anyhow? I think we have this myth that if we set our minds to anything, that we can do it. Is this really true? Do we have limitations? Is life truly a mind over matter game?

I am thinking about this news article where a group of people were led out into the desert on a hike for a wilderness survival exercise. Here is the link. The man ended up dieing because the group leaders wouldn't give him water as they wanted him to finish his goal. They believed in the power of positive thinking to overcome bodily need. Bullshit. The man died because of their insanity.

It is my belief that we use this myth of positive thinking as a way to feel that we can control everything. Well we can't. This is the reason for the serenity prayer. Sometimes we have to relinquish control. And this is a scary proposition for most people.

There is a lot here to digest. I am going to keep going with this topic as I feel it is really important. There are really two separate things to discuss here.

My main point if you don't get anything else out of reading this is:

1. You don't preach to others how to feel. You never tell someone how they SHOULD feel a certain way because a. It pisses people off and b. It is just not too damn helpful. It is belittling, insulting, and condescending.

and...

2. I want to investigate the truth about "positive thinking" when it comes to how it can truly help with physical and/or mental illness. Can we really think our way out of being sick or being depressed?

It is funny because on another day I would probably debate the other way. For example...I own the film...What the bleep do we know. If you haven't seen it, it is a wild ride through metaphysical new-agey beliefs about changing our realities through our beliefs. And believe it or not...I found myself enchanted. I would love to believe in some of this. But for me I always seek balance. There is a grain of truth to everything. I want to see how I can best utilize knowledge so it works for me in my life.

I am glad I wrote this. I have been processing this for awhile. I have much more to say about this and other topics...coming up soon.