More thoughts

Bubbie's last comment has really helped me to understand things.

Several entries ago I wrote a quick and dirty post which I gave very little thought to. In my encounters on the one MS on-line support group I belong to, it is quite common to talk about symptoms and to list them. The thing is, however, that most of the people writing these lists are in the initial stages of finding out or having just found out that they have Multiple Sclerosis. Some members who have had it for decades might also post about their symptoms but more as a way to help the newbies as far as making them feel like they aren't going nuts. Something along the lines of yes I have experienced slurred speech and falling down too and here is what I do to manage these particular symptoms.

But my blog is not a support group. It is a place for me to share my thoughts with you all and I have a diverse readership here. No it is probably not fun at all for any of you having MS for some time to list your symptoms. And it is most likely very painful to do so.

I just want to say that I am so sorry for being insensitive. And thank you Bubbie for graciously and honestly sharing how you felt. This helps me a lot.

The whole "positive thoughts" thing just hits a sour note for me and I am trying to figure out why. I suppose it is because I am feeling particularly powerless right now.

I told you that I have a friend who has breast cancer. She is having a hard time right now with her illness. I want to reach out to her, to help her, but my god I have no idea how. I just have myself and my wishes for her to be better, and prayers. No amount of positive thinking on my part or hers or anybodys is going to make things all better.

And I just don't like it. Cancer sucks. MS sucks. Autism sucks. Depression sucks. The list goes on.

I write on-line in several different places. I visited one lady this weekend not knowing anything about her. She had visited my site and so I was just curiously returning the favor. When I began to read this woman's blog my heart just sank. She was writing post after post about her depression and how out of control she felt. She was so filled with rage about everything. As I read on...I read how she had kids...and how she also has MS and...I just felt this big hole inside of me. All she wanted was some control over her life. Her depression and MS was robbing her of this and the people around her didn't understand. I felt instant compassion for her as some of her feelings have certainly mirrored mine.

You don't want someone telling you how you should feel. At these moments in life you just want the people around you to accept you as you are...sick....tired...sad...mad...and all of the above. I wrote to this woman I had found and told her she has every right to feel angry and it is okay...it will pass and she will feel more peace in time. I might as well been talking to myself.

I have a brain MRI next Monday. And I am scared. I have been putting off doing something about all this and I am not ready to talk about that yet. I wanted to wait and see if there are any changes. I am just not quite ready for all this yet. I am just not ready but tough noogies...I have to get myself ready. So I am gearing myself up...talking about my symptoms and....gee...i am so okay with all of this. But just between you and me. I am really not. Secretly...I am terrified.

I will be fine though. Just don't tell me to be positive about it. :>)