To be a grain of sand...

One of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems is this one. It makes me smile everytime I read it.

"I'm Nobody. Who are you?"

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

I have never wanted to be a "somebody" whatever that means. I am a rather solitary soul. I am awkward and shy. I am a true introvert and I relish my alone time.

Just look at this photo from "charm school" an extracuricular class I was forced to take in grade school. I am in the back. I am the one with the blue headband on. :>) We all had to wear them. I remember feeling that the whole thing was stupid and I just wanted to run. The last thing I ever wanted was to be noticed.



I am most comfortable behind the scenes and helping others to shine.

My writing leaves me exposed sometimes, brutally so. I give these artifacts of myself so that maybe it will make some sort of difference. I sometimes ask myself why I do it at all? It would certainly be easier to hide within myself. Actually I have done that. Yet along with my desire for anonymity, I also have an even stronger need for connection. I think both needs can be met with some compromises along the way.

My strongest wish is to be of help.

And I know I suck at it mostly. I am too introverted. I am too needy. I am too powerless. There is nothing like feeling the pain in the world and knowing that your words are...like a single grains of sand. It is easy to think that they don't matter.

But they do.

I have been helped in my life by words. When I had nobody at all I turned to books. When I was being slapped and drug by my hair by a mentally ill mother inside a busy airport I was clinging onto a book. It was the autobiography of Helen Keller. I have no idea why I had that particular book but on that winter day before Christmas. I was clutching onto it for dear life as my mother had a very public nervous breakdown. But somehow that book and those words helped me endure what I had to endure.

I need to write. It isn't a "want to" or a wish...it is a "have to." I cannot survive without writing. Somewhere down the line I discovered that my words had power...that I too could help someone who was suffering. Perhaps it is arrogant to even try. But I do want to...try. Even when it means that...I am slicing into myself...exposing all my weaknesses and vulnerabilites. Even when it means I am public.

But know that I am small. I so wish to be like a grain of sand. I am "nobody" in the spirit of that Emily Dickinson poem.

When I am feeling low I like to read about little Saint Therese. I am not religious in any way but I do find solace in reading about this particular saint. What is so remarkable about her is that she was never known for her "saintliness" but more for her being so very human. She was one of us...small, powerless, and child like.

Here is a particular passage I gain so much sustenance from. I have read it a billion times.

"Ask that your little daughter always remain a little grain of sand, truly unknown, truly hidden from all eyes, so that Jesus alone may be able to see it..." To be a grain of sand is to put on a guise of ordinariness. It is to be anonymous, to choose to appear average.

I have no wish to be a saint. I just wish to be me...to be small...and to serve.

My writing is my path. I hope I won't falter.

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On another note...I have met some wonderful and giving people in the blog world. I wish to introduce you to two of them.

I have had the pleasure of interviewing Doctor Jane Mountain who writes from her own experience about having Bipolar Disorder. I hope that her words of hope will be heard by those who need them. You may find that interview here.

I also have another remarkable interview to share with a clinical psychologist who specializes in helping those who suffer from physical illnesses. I think she is feeling rather down lately about not writing as much and maybe we could encourage her that her words are so very important and helpful to others. Here is her blog and here is her wonderful interview. She truly gave a lot of herself in this.

Please do come to read and/or share. Your voice is important.

Thank you.