Trying to make sense of it all

I was doing a bit of research to find what others thought of the whole "positive thinking" phenomena with respect to physical illness.

Before I share some of my findings let me preface this with, believe it or not I am a positive person. If I wasn't, I surely would not have survived my life thus far. I was raised by a schizophrenic mother in the inner city, lost my father when I was four to alcoholism, I lived in poverty, was homeless, abused, neglected, and this was all when I was but a child. My teen and adult years...well those are some other stories. What I am trying to say is, Multiple Sclerosis is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I had had to survive many things as I am sure you all have as well. Everyone has their stories to tell.

At any point in my life I could have given up, settled into poverty, crime, or even suicide. But I didn't. Sorry for this abbreviated version of things. It certainly is better to show than simply tell but I have a point I want to get to believe it or not. What helped me most to survive some extreme situations wasn't so much this cliched "positive" crap but rather...hope. When you lose hope you are done for.

I feel I am much like Houdini. Let me explain. As we all know Houdini was a famous magician capable of amazing escapism and daring feats. What you may not know about the man is that he had an interest in true magic, and particularly the supernatural. In those days it was common for people to do the whole seance thing and make "spirits" come out of the woodwork. Well Houdini made it his mission to debunk these frauds. He would come and disrupt the illusion. Whereas his magic was acceptable because people knew it was, indeed, an illusion, he didn't like it when people were passing off illusion as truth. And I don't like it either.

Yet part of Houdini wanted to believe. It made him so angry to see these charlatans trying to give people hope of some sort of an after life when all they were showing was an illusion. They were making a mockery of people's hopes.

I know this is a lot of jumping around with my topics here but I promise to tie everything together.

When I found out my son had autism, it was as though the crystal ball people had been recycled from beyond. All of a sudden you are rushed by a crowd with miracle cures. Well all ya gotta do is sit on a golden egg while beating your breast and eat these special granola bars. And by the way...I can sell you the special golden egg and granola bars you will happen to need. I became so sick and tired of hearing about the special vitamins or exercises or oxygen therapy, or riding dolphins or eating herbs to cure autism. Excuse my french but give me an F***ing break. The thing was...there was sometimes good and beneficial treatments but you lost sight of them because of all the crazy cure hooplah. When you toss out everything...there just might be something good that you miss along with all the quackery.

So here I am today. I am both a realist but hopeful too. I do wish to believe in some magic if you want to call it that. Oh boy wait until I do start to talk about the synchronicities. I have been called a hopeless dreamer, a pollyanna, and also a harsh cold realist in the same breath. Truth is...I am both.

And part of dichotomous me would love to believe in my power to change the world with my own thoughts. I would love to believe in miracles and magic. I would love to believe that I have so much control. The other part of me is angry at illusions and my willingness to ever entertain them.

Now back to the notion of "positive thinking." What it is not. Being positive doesn't mean you get to be delusional. Being hopeful and delusional are two different entities. Living with my mother and her multitudes of delusions made me loathe illusion. I won't put up with it. I need the truth of my reality.

But here's the catch...we don't always know what the truth is. I don't have a crystal ball. Nobody does. I don't know what the future will bring. Many outcomes are possible.

We just don't know and the not knowing can be the basis for crazy making. We all have to blindly leap into the future. Nobody knows their fate...not you...not me...maybe not even God. And if he/she knows we are certainly not privy to that information.

So we have to make do with now and sorting through the chaos to find things which help and make sense. This is where I am right now with all this. I am trying to process how I feel. I know I am grieving some but exactly what am I grieving for? What have I lost and what will I lose in the future? I know I have to accept but what part of this do I accept? I know I have to move forward and act and do things which will help me to overcome but what does that look like exactly? Where does my foot land as I take that first step? Where am I going and why?

It is all a process and this is just the beginning. It is what we humans have to do to survive. You pick yourself up and begin again. And again....and again and....