you attract what you are

I heard this somewhere...the adage that you attract what you are. I think this may be true to some extent. When you look at your friends they usually have something in common with you.

This is interesting for me because I could fall into so many categories. I am a walking talking dichotomy of personality traits. Then you add on...circumstance and...I have no idea where I fit. I have often felt like a true outlier. Yet I can identify with so many different folk.

For example...

I grew up in poverty. I have experienced homelessness. I was definitely a ghetto kid.

But I did acquire an education. I hobnobbed with the academic set. I have a couple of Masters degrees. People would not be able to tell at the onset of my lower class background. But get me into an instance where I am angry...and ghetto girl comes out in a flash and I am ready to get into someone's face.

I am nerdy. As a kid I would buy myself workbooks as homework wasn't enough for me. I read encyclopedias. I collected bugs. One of my favorite "toys" was a chemistry set. I hung out with the smart kids and wrote dark poetry.

I am also flighty and dumb about many things. Along with the smart kids I used to hang out with the folk who drank and did drugs. I didn't do those things so much but somehow I could relate to their personalites. My first boyfriend was a thug who owned guns and dealt dope.

There is a little girl quality about me. I am innocent and naive. I am Pollyanna at times. I love to play. My favorite place in the world is Walt Disney World. I used to collect wind up banks. I love penny candy. I still watch the Wizard of Oz and get scared by the witch and those damn winged monkeys. I still believe in Santa Claus.

Then there is the jaded old woman in me. At times I have honed my sarcasm to a finely edged blade. It is more than easy to slice and dice. I have that power but I seldom use it. I can be very dark and at times too wise about the world. I have seen much in my life.

I am a bit of a loner. I love my alone times to be in my head. I love to go on long walks in the woods or to ride my bike. alone. I don't care for crowds or places to be seen. I like to remain small and hidden.

Then again...I can be the life of the party...gregarious and charming. I can be funny and entertaining. I can play the part of a diva...sensual but comedic. It all depends on my mood of course. There are times when I wish to be a hermit and have nothing to do with human relations. I grow so dissapointed in others. Yet in other instances I am craving connection and depth of bonding with others.

And then there are the circumstances of my life. I have survived thus far the following things:

* a mother who is schizophrenic

* a father who drank himself to death

* extreme poverty, neglect, homelessness

* sexual abuse, emotional and mental abuse, and physical abuse

* i have been a witness to drug and alcohol abuse (not my own)

* infertility for only a couple of years

* my own mood....severe depressions leaving me with little will to survive. but i have and will continue to do so. a rollercoaster of emotions...anxiety, inertia, deep and profound sadness, and also great joy, creativity, and productivity.

* my youngest son being diagnosed with autism and all that this has entailed these past years.

* and now MS

it has certainly been one wild ride thus far.

so who can i relate to? just about everyone it seems. i suppose i tend to like and be liked by those who are a bit intense in nature. i can relate to the creative folk...the photographers, poets, writers, artists, sculptors, and general dreamers. i tend to like those who are constantly searching and who feel there is something more. i admire those who wish to make a difference and want to change the world. i love funny people...those folk with a twisted sharp mind...who can take despair and find something to laugh about. i like complex people...full of depth and mystery.

i love honest people...who will say all the things you want to say but don't have the courage to do so. i love off the wall, odd, weird people. i tend to do well with folk who are a bit on the off kilter side...a touch of mania with some depression as the main course.

i love the mad genius type....also the absent minded professor...the geek...the nerd who is socially awkward. i love folks who watch documentaries and who are good at number crunching. i love the folk who could care less about fashion or how the weather might affect their hair. i love the underdog.

so what about you all? who can you relate to and why? who do you attract as friends? who are you?