Friday morning pages

Friday morning. and what do i have to say for myself? had a good night's sleep. this is good. so much time spent sleeping...might as well make it good deep sleep. i am dreaming a lot now. i go through phases of sleep. of course when i am the most troubled my sleep is light and interrupted and i wake up feeling like hell. not today. i feel like i can do things.


i am almost afraid to talk of good moods because i know they can be fleeting. i feel like the main character in flowers for algernon. have you ever read that book? well...instead of IQ...we are talking about mood. i am afraid that i will wake up and find myself right where i started. and this is probably reality. depression has a way of slowly creeping back into your system.
i do want to talk about all this.

i am tip toeing around it. afraid to talk because i may jinx myself.

when you feel like shit and people tell you to be grateful for "now," you don't want to hear it. more so...you are incapable. the now you are experiencing is not something you want to be involved with. everywhere your mind goes...past, present, or future....is not a good experience. you just feel trapped and want out of any time module.

i don't know what normal is but i can sorta guess. i think normal folk have selective amnesia. they are able to "forget" things far more easily. they say depressives are more in touch with reality...we absorb it and stay there. anyways...i am experiencing being able to have selective amnesia right now. i don't have to remember and re-experience every damn bad memory or mood. i can forget i have MS for the moment. i mean...i don't forget forget. symptoms jar me out of my slumber. but...i don't have to dwell in the fear area.

this is all very hard to explain.

i need to write this better.

i am touching and not diving in.

there is a lot now to get excited about. i have interests. i had forgotten them. i love music for one thing. i have a keyboard. oh to have a real piano. what a luxury that would be. i used to work in a church basement for a big 'ol prestigious hospital. yep...you got that right. the prestigious well known hospital had us work in a church basement. probably has something to do with our population of folk with mental retardation and mental illness. those who are dually diagnosed....they always seem to get hidden away from view along with their caretakers.

anyways...this church basement had a piano down there. i would purposefully go there early in the morning so i could play it privately. oh i loved that. and before you ask...no...hell no...i am not good! i had taught myself to read notes and play. i have a hell of a stack of dan coates easy play song books. and so i sat there in the vaccuous church and played on this old sticky coated out of tune piano and i had a ball. i miss it so. not working there...lol....but the piano and my time of solitude.

now i have a keyboard and i just bought myself some new sheet music. and i can't wait to dive in.

what things have you forgotten? what would you like to remember? what did you used to do which gave you pleasure? if it is possible...go back and try it again...or maybe in a different capacity. it is okay to let go and to enjoy a minute...five minutes...more of your life. it is okay.

more to come...