Logic, reasoning, and gut feelings

after much deliberation i have come to some conclusions about the things i have to decide upon.

i think one of the hardest things to deal with about decision making is that we don't want to feel trapped or locked in. we need room to change things if need be.

this is why i have decided NOT to take zoloft. i researched it, looked at all the side effects, and came to the conclusion that it can be a very difficult drug to tolerate. it also is one which is hard to get weaned off. if i made the decision to try it, i would have to be committed to taking it for some time. i read case after case of people talking about how hard this particular drug was upon their system and how they sometimes acquired new symptoms upon stopping it. no.

i like the idea of starting with the least amount of side effects and potential harm but also having the most benefits. i do like natural remedies.

this will all be a process of figuring out what works best for me.

i am gonna try SAM-e first. and then i am gonna try st. john's wort as a back up if the first doesn't work. i am also going to do everything in my power to stay mentally healthy and keep my mood up. i am going to exercise. i am going to join a support group. i am going to get a counselor specializing in health issues.

the good thing about hitting the bottom is that there is nowhere else to go but up. i realize there are bottoms and there are deeper wells to fall into but...i am not going to fall anymore. it is time for me to take responsibility for my biologically induced moods.

if the natural ways do not work...then i will research again about an anti-depressant which makes sense for me.

now the biggie...

the rebif. dear lord...the company is already calling and wanting to be of assistance. i feel like the patron of a store where the salespeople are frothing at the mouth to come and "assist" you as you slowly walk backwards towards the door so you can run as soon as your foot nears the exit.

no.

not ready.

my MS is slow moving. i have no new lesions. they have not grown in size. i have none on my spine. i want to wait. i see no danger waiting until at least...i have another true episode.

i have been reading and researching for months. this is what i do best. i am not entering this blindly. i have read what many people have said about their experiences. i have looked at the studies.

when i do take the rebif...and i am fairly sure that i will take it or one of the other meds in the future...i want to be committed to the process. i will have to be. i will have to believe that what i am doing is going to be good for me.

some of the rebif stats from their own company literature seem good. but some...i wonder how they can justify the cost of this drug which lacks much efficacy.

for example...this stat does not seem very promising to me: "Prims 2-year data: Rebif is proven to significantly slow the progression of MS. 74% of people taking Rebif 44 mcg had no disease progression at 2 years vs 63% of patients taking placebo."

so basically well more than half of folks who do not take meds will not progress with their MS within two years. and then there are the folks who WILL progress no matter if they are on rebif or not.

there is a lot to digest. stats only tell part of the picture. stats are not gonna talk about the long term effects of these drugs as this is unknown at this time. stats are not going to talk about quality of life. stats do not address the unique challenges each person having MS has to face in addition to his or her disease.

logic and reasoning aside...this is more than a scientific matter...this is a personal gut decision.

i will undoubtedly try rebif. but it does not make sense to me to do it now.

i will wait.