i feel like writing today but not the pretty formal type of writing. i just want to flow.
i am depressed today. alert the media.
it helps to write.
trust. trust is so important when you feel sad. who to go to? who can you trust to disrobe emotionally? who will not look at you like a freak? who will not try to solve your problems and just listen? who will not judge? who will allow you to just be you...ugly insides and all? who is not going to point a finger towards pills or paid listeners. dammit. i want a friend.
it is bad enough to feel sad. it is worse to wander around with a note in a bottle...holding onto it because you fear nobody is going to read it anyway.
so sometimes talking to oneself is not such a bad idea.
maybe i am grieving? i don't really know. i can tell you that i am personally tired of grieving and tears. i have had entirely too much of this in my life. i would rather have a party with a big cake...lots of icing.
i told a friend that if i did not get the diagnosis of MS then i wanted to celebrate...and i added that if i DID get the diagnosis i also wanted to celebrate. why should MS rob me of the potential to celebrate. yeah...i want a damn cake. and presents too. it seems that if one is already happy...why is there a need for celebration...it is when we are sad that we are in more need of cheer.
today i am crying and i don't even know why. why must we always explain tears? they just...happen.
i am sad.
that's all.
maybe me writing this will help someone else. hey...you are allowed to be sad about this. it is okay. cry. write. scream. do what you have to do. once you have gotten it all out, you will have cleared the way for something new.
hope....
Come sit a spell and shoot the breeze. Sweeten the day with a little synchronicity...
7 comments:
This unfortunately is a normal emotion for MS patients.
MS is such a strange disease in that you don't know when or if you will have remitting times, and when the relapses will occur, and how severe or how little.
Once you half way figure out how it will affect your body, it doesn't give some relief knowing what to expect at times.
Well written! Thank you for taking the time and having to courage to put your thoughts and feelings out here in the big world of the blogosphere...
Linda D. in Seattle
Sad because of MS ... or Sad because you have MS. I wonder sometimes. It's easy to blame the disease either way, I try to soldier on though. Distractions (like blogging) help me slog through it too, but I never get around to addressing the root cause.
I was diagnosed with MS(progressive) 5 years ago. Although the diagnosis was not a surprise, the words still hit me like a slap in the face, and driving home from the neurologists office, I cried for the first time in years. Next order of business: about 3 weeks of pretty deep depression, feeling helplessness, hopelessness, like my life was over. Unfortunately, I shared that life with my wife, and I was dragging her down with me into a pit of despair. I finally realized how I was affecting her, and knew I had to change, and I did (at least on the outside). I quit moping around, on the verge of tears all the time, even smiling sometimes. Of course on the inside I was still felt like I had no future. I was giving up on the idea of doing things I loved, hunting, fishing, hiking... I figured I wont be able to do those things soon, so might as well forget about them now. I remember sitting down to plan a vacation in hawaii with some friends that we had been talking about for a couple of years, but was thinking the whole time that I might not even be able to walk by then. More and more I was just coming home and flopping on the couch to watch TV, because thats what I expected my life to become. After about a year, a bit of a saviour came into my life. A friend was giving away a yellow lab puppy, which I took and brought home without OKing with the wife (caused much maritual stife for a few weeks. Suddenly I was looking forward to coming home from work to bring barney to the park for a walk, looking forward to hunting season so I could bring him, and fishing season so he could come out in the boat with me. Silly , but it was just the spark I needed to kick-start myself back into living my life. Now, after 5 years, I am still working full time, hunting, fishing, traveling, and no-one can even tell that I have MS unless I tell them. I'm glad I didnt waste all these years moping in front of the TV. I dont know what condition I'll be in in 10 years, or 5 years, or 2 years, but I know how I'll be tomorrow... I think I'll take Barney for a walk by the lake! My point is, whether you have MS or not... LIVE TODAY!
i'm gonna link your new site.
it does get hard to open the ugly side to a partner. i always feel like she has seen too much of that side, and that to keep "disrobing" will just be too much. i guess that's where trust comes in. thank you for your eloquence and honesty. i'm sure we have all been where you are, and will be there again. i truly appreciate know there are others on the same ride i'm on.
You have written honestly...we do all go through this...I try to remember 'normal' people get depressed for seemingly trivial reasons...at least we have a damn good excuse/reason. No need for pity parties, just realism, which is what we have here, in your post.
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