"Fuck MS"
That is pretty much how I have been feeling lately.
I suppose I am naive. I am new this whole experience and things are not so bad so far. I can afford to cuss at my torturer. When it has me in its choke hold, I will be pleading for mercy I'm sure. Right now I am playing hard to get.
So I have this thing.
Half of the anxiety and fear is the not knowing. Now I have a name for this. Now I have had some experiences to understand what this feels like and how to adapt when I need to do so. I know, however, that there is so many more "surprises" in store.
For example, I was shocked by my losing my ability to talk normally that day I was immersed in the hot summer sun. It is one thing to read about symptoms in a book as some abstract statement next to a bullet point. It is quite another to have the words come true. I was frightened.
I despise being frightened. Anger and conscious denial seems a better path for now. Part of me raises my fists to the heavens and declares, "Bring it on!" Part of me wants to be broken so I can rise up again like some mutant superheroine from the comic books. "You really want to mess with me? Give me your best! It will only make me stronger."
The psychological process of acceptance can be a long road. Right now I prefer to stay here where I feel emotionally empowered, however faulty my feelings may be. There will come a time when I am on my knees and I will deal with that when it comes.
I own this solitary moment in time and nothing is gonna change my world.
Come sit a spell and shoot the breeze. Sweeten the day with a little synchronicity...
8 comments:
hello merelyme,
thanks for your comment. wish i could do something to stop the spasms flipping me backwards over the wheelchair.
had a board attached to the foot bar to stop my foot going under the chair. for a month it worked now the spasm jerks the foot onto the top of the wood and i flip over backwards.
bloody scary but life even as i know it goes on.
being frightened is shit, i hate it too. being emotionally empowered is important. take care and enjoy what you have got now.
regards
Hi Friend. Thanks for popping by - got a bit caught up and fraught blogging about the floods so close to us last week. Neglected my fellow ms-ers. And guess what? Having a terrible MS-do. Really low, forgetting all my resolve and acceptance. Pete being marvelous, taking over home for me as on his hols now he is better, love him. Off to his son's wedding next weekend - please God for more strength than this. Going to make a couple of birthday cards now - peace and hope.
I am with you - no easy answers MM, it is not necessarily easier as time goes by but times such as these are more rare, I promise you that.
Once you establish your limitations ... little snits like this become much less common. I've only had a few times this year where I manage to get myself in a bind by going beyond my own limits. I'm not angry at MS anymore ... just myself for letting myself get carried away.
Denial gets such a bad psychological rap...denial (and anger) is the very thing that keeps us going at times. Puzzle pieces of a big picture are much easier to deal with than an entire view!
I have found the WORST symptoms are the ones no one else reports or very few have had...then I feel like I am either imagining the symptom or it can't be because of my MS. I prefer to "know" also...
Hang in there super hero...LOL
Linda D. in Seattle
i have a good friend who deals with her ms by engaging in a dialog -
"ok, you can have this morning, and i will rest in bed, but i get tonight." yes, it can be scary and uncertain and painful and mostly it sucks. but being angry - raging and screaming and crying and cursing helps. then get over it. a tai chi teacher taught me to move thru all the steps of the tai chi form, and then step into the next moment as if nothing had happened. and remember to breathe.
my support is always with you..
xoxoxo
I agree with Braincheese: The little bits are easier to deal with than the whole big picture. Everyone has a different coping mechanism and you just do what's right for you.
Did you know they have found a new gene linkj to MS and also that there could be a link between MS and artificial sweetners such as Aspartame.
XXX
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