Merely Me

Sometimes you can scare yourself just by looking in the mirror! AHHHH!

Little Mew Mew had a time of it when she saw her first reflection in the mirror, this little puff ball of a cat, grew to twice her size. She looks like one of those scary Halloween cats.

I was thinking this would make a great opening to some things that have been on my chest this week that I really need to get out.

I haz...a widget. I put it...um...down there...somewhere on the side. Yeah that one. Looking at it frightens me. AHHH! Who in the hell is that? I am gonna be straight up and honest with you, as I always have been.

I AIN'T NO EXPERT.

Okay just want to make that point clear. Truly. I am not. I do not like that title whatsoever. Maybe some people would love to embrace that. I do not. I have already discussed the terminology from the very beginning with my editors over at the health site I am writing at. I am not a neurologist and I am not a doctor. But I do have MS. Let me show you my lesions! I am no war horse or martyr about to tell people of my long struggle nor am I gonna be talking about miracle cures and climbing mountains. I am just me. Merely Me.

I am also writing about depression. And again. I am no expert. I suffer from it. I write about it.

As I look in the mirror what do I see? I guess I have had many roles in my life. I have been a friend, daughter, sister, wife, mother, student, developmental therapist, homeschooling parent, and writer. I have had many life experiences some tragic and some joyous. In my life I have dealt with losing a parent at an early age due to alcoholism, living with a mother who has schizophrenia, living in poverty, dealing with sexual and physical abuse, the grief of losing friends to illness, losing a baby, infertility, autism, Multiple Sclerosis, and of course last but not least depression. Life sure has been eventful.

The joys? Connection, love, and friendship.

And writing. Writing is my solace. Writing has literally saved my ass. I am not writing to be some damn expert or get blog links or a talk show. I write because I have to. I write because if I didn't, I would surely drown.

There are tons of folk who could rattle off a similar life history. But you know what? There is no badge of honor for surviving life's bullshit. Some people wear their pain as that badge of honor to deny other people the right to their own pain. There will always be someone who is dealing with something worse than you. Guaranteed. But it doesn't mean that your problems or issues are trivial or do not count.

And likewise, nobody owes you anything for having a hard life. The world does not spin around on its axis to make you happy. Regardless of your issues, your pain, your challenges, you have to make it with whatever you are given. Life is infinitely unfair for all of us.

Been thinking about friendships a whole lot this week as well.



I will tell ya...never thought that these two would be friends. But they are getting along like two long lost buddies.

These past weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. Between medical tests and scares and MS crap and also beginning to do some freelance writing...I have been a little bonkers. So what else is new? I am not always a good friend. I get moody. I hide. I am a hermit some weeks. I have my moods. But I have never pretended to be anything but what I am.

Good friends? They are there when nobody else gives a damn. They care about you when you have gained twenty pounds, you forgot to use deoderant and you come to the door looking like the jabba the hut. Good friends are also there when you experience the good stuff...a success...a mental reprieve from depression...or a new job. Good friends are transparent in their care for you. You don't have to think or wonder about motivations. They love you unconditionally...angry, depressed, messed up, ugly, bitchy or silent. They root for your happiness.

Good friends don't care about how much money you make, or how many blog hits you got today or what a good samaritan you appear to be. Good friends see through all the bullshit and will tell you straight up what they feel.

I want you all to know...when I was talking to my editor over at the health site, I talked about all of you. It probably was foolish on my part. I didn't have the job yet and...I just kept thinking about how many of you...are dealing with so much and have dedicated yourselves to reaching out beyond your issues...whatever they may be...MS or depression or illness...or just life in general. And...I told her that we have such a strong little community here with some amazing bloggers. "May I talk about my friends on the site?" I am still not quite sure how much of that I can do but know that I want to.

I will be keeping my blog here as is. I do not have this blog on any google searches or on the blogger list nor do I want to do that. This is my personal blog. Some of you have been with me through several or more reincarnations of blogs. When I found out I had MS...I decided to run with MS as the theme because this is what I am currently dealing with. But certainly it isn't what I am all about. I remember my friend Dirk bellyaching that I was gonna be one more of those boring illness blogs. I hope I have become more than that. :>)

My links to people....believe me...I am selective. If you are a bullshitter, pretender....off you go. In becoming immersed in the wrtiting world of both books and on-line writing, I am struggling with maintaining integrity and what that means for me. I have the self confidence now to actually say that I am good writer. Writing does involve promoting oneself. I am trying to do this in such a way which never diminishes me as a person nor undermines anyone else. I am quickly determining what is real, what is not, and putting blinder's on to that which is irrelevant.

I may be moody, crazy, out there, but one thing guaranteed with me...what you see is what you get. My names may have changed over the years with different blogs but I am always the genuine article. I remain...

Merely Me