Food as Love

I wanted to get back to some consistency here on my blog and also get back to my theme which, if you have already forgotten, is FOOD. So here goes...

One of the first things to come to mind when I think about the topic of food is love. And as Mother's Day approaches I think about my mother and how she always showed her love through her edible gifts.

One of my first memories of being with my mother was being allowed to share her box of chocolates. I would sample them for her by sticking my little sticky fingers into the tops or else nibbling from the sides. I would carefully replace them into the box and then report to her on what was inside each one. I am not sure if she truly appreciated my "investigative reporting" but she lovingly tolerated it and even grew to expect it. It became a ritual between us.

Then there were the cookies we made together. Back when holidays were openly celebrated in school, my mother would volunteer to make cookies. I specifically remember baking before Valentine's Day with my mother and how beautifully uniformed those hearts were all lined up on the baking sheet. I remember our floured hands and noses and the rolling pin she used. Her wooden rolling pin is the same one I use today when I bake with my kids. I can still taste those cookies with their distinctive vanilla flavor. And the cookbook, Betty Crocker of course, I still own and use.

Yet aside from being able to bake cookies, the truth was, my mother was a horrible cook. She did try though, bless her soul. Mostly everything she made was fried or came out of a can. There were many meals created by the Chef Boyardee. Frozen TV dinners were also a staple at our house. I loved the Hungry Man dinners myself with the fried chicken and mashed potatoes. And then there were the TV dinners specifically geared for kids where you got the little chocolate brownie which of course didn't taste like a brownie but was chocolate enough to taste good. I never liked it when the foods mingled with each other and I would find gravy on my corn and corn on my brownie. I also remember the many helpers as in Hamburger Helper and Tuna Helper or Scalloped potatoes made from a box. My all time favorite meal that my mother would make was fried porkchops, orange macaroni and cheese from the box, and applesauce. I am sure many of us from my generation will remember the famous lines uttered by Peter Brady about such a culinary delight ala Cagney style: "Porkchops and appleshaush." I guess you had to be there.

What my mother lacked in culinary abilities, she made up for in buying me treats. Being a single mother in the inner city, my mother lacked the money for luxuries such as a babysitter. When I was about nine or ten she felt she could leave me alone for spell and would head on out to run errands. Each and every time she went out she would bring me back a suprise. Most times the surprise would be a treat from the bakery. I simply don't think they have bakeries as they did then. Cream puffs covered in chocolate and filled with custard and/or ladylocks sprinkled with powdered sugar and stuffed with cream were two of my favorites. I felt special and loved when she would remember me in that way.

Perhaps I remember the food so much because there were so many times we would go hungry. My mother was not only raising me by herself, she also was battling a severe mental illness of schizophrenia. We sustained ourselves on social security widow benefits. Things would be wonderful at the beginning of the month when it was check day. But by the end of the month, there might not be much to eat but some ramen noodles or some crackers.

There were many times when we would go to the supermarket and not have enough money to buy the food in our cart. I remember a time when my mother had picked out this wonderful coffee cake bedazzled with white icing, maraschino cherries, and almonds. We were so looking forward to eating it. But despite the fact that we had emptied our coin jar and made the clerk count pennies, we didn't have enough money for everything. The decision was made reluctantly to put our prized coffee cake as well as several other items back. The people in line behind us as well as the clerk silently glared their dissaproval.

When I look back at my childhood, there were many things lacking. Sometimes I didn't have enough to eat. There were some very cold days in winter without enough heat. There were some very sad Christmas's with no presents. But there was also love there too. Maybe it wasn't some perfect Leave it to Beaver existence that I had heard about from TV but I never doubted my mother's love for me. Sometimes you have to take love as it comes to you, even in the form of a heart shaped cookie with extra red sprinkles.