I have a special empathy for anyone who is my friend. I am not an easy person to figure out. Hell, I have known myself for 43 years now and I still can't figure me out.
One thing for certain about me is that my emotional landscape is vast. When I feel things I feel them deeply and I tend to vacillate between extremes. While I have never been diagnosed with anything but suffering from a garden variety depression, I feel much akin to those who ride the roller coaster of bipolar disorder. I have my highs and lows but perhaps not as extreme as some. But I can say that these fluctuations in mood have definitely had an impact on my survival and day to day functioning and also upon interpersonal relationships.
There are times when I feel on top of the world and I can do no wrong. I feel exuberant. I am the life of the party. I schedule tons of activities and seek connection with people. My energy is boundless as I tackle huge projects. My libido is through the roof and I ooze sexuality. My thoughts are endless streams of creativity. When I speak I can't get the words out fast enough, my tongue seems in the way. I am external and searching. Happiness is just right around the corner, so easily found.
Then inevitably the crash comes. What was once light is now dim. The ease of doing things, even the simplest of tasks is replaced by a heaviness which slows me down to virtual stillness. It is like walking through quicksand. My mind plays tricks on me. I feel like a protruding nerve for all to prod. I feel inside out with my guts exposed. I want to run. I want to hide. Connection seems too difficult and I do my best to hide my vulnerability. The internal grey invades and leaves me empty. Tears won't take this away. I sink into the bottomless bit unsure if I will ever get out again. Hope is gone from this place. The only refuge is internal and this is where I hide.
So someone viewing this transformation from the outside looking in, must be puzzled, frustrated, and helpless. I think it would be easy to assume blame. I can assure you that it is nobody's fault. It isn't caused by an ill spoken word or by not trying hard enough or even negligence. I simply vacillate between my two worlds but I am always me. Sometimes I am internal and sometimes I am external. Sometimes I am brazen, opinionated, and confident. Other times I am sullen, withdrawn, and melancholic. Sometimes I cling and sometimes I push away. Sometimes I enjoy being immersed in crowds and other times I wish to be a hermit. Sometimes I need protection and other times you may need protection from me. I am maternal. I am a little girl. I am me.
But know this about me...the yin and yang of me needs love no matter what state I am in. And likewise...dichotomous me is capable of loving despite any mood. The expression just may be a little different at times. I am always here. Knock at my door, I may not always answer but please don't stop knocking. You know in time, I will open the door and let you in.
Thank you to all my friends who put up with me.
15 comments:
Well said, my friend!
AH! But perhaps it is YOU that puts up with me... :-)
Linda D. in Seattle
we seem to have similar mood swings ..
which in my case are not helped by being perimenopausal ..
foam
I have been accused by people who don't know me well, of, oh, ex: speaking as a libral, but lunching/laughing with a conservative. I pondered me and at 35 realized that is my true self. Acceptance of self is a relief. You certainly seem like a loving person.
You have articulated so well the things in my head...And right now, I just want to write something...but then, well, you've said it better...so maybe I will just link! LOL
Got here through Marja btw...
We're all what we are. I often think that we as a people spend too much time trying to regulate, trying to damp down, trying to 'normalize' ourselves instead of looking inside and accepting what we are, then working forward from that point.
So speaks the 41 year old man who still crashes so hard at times that it makes me physically ill. *s*g
nothing 'to put up with', hon... the real you, in all its manifestations, is what brought, and keeps, me here :)
bb
At least you are aware of your illness. I think you handle it with grace. I know someone who is Bipolar and unaware (or in denial). No hope for this person on the horizon. Sad.
A rich emotional life, eh?
"...the yin and yang of me needs love no matter what state I am in."
(*HUGS*)
Very well-written. I'm one of those folks who rarely gets despondent, but MY WIFE suffers from depression.
(insert your own joke here)
Anyway, you've described, very well, what she feels at those times. God bless.
Put up with you?!!
Don't be silly! You are a treasure.
I believe some people are more sensitive to life than others, which impacts their moods. Most 'artistic types' I know also describe the wide fluctuations in emotions that you do, but without them my own existence would be gray. I think the secret lies in each of us being patient with the other!
Wow! Love this post...your honesty says alot about who you are. Keep on truckin'!
Your post was really heartfelt, I love the photo!
Having just lifted from what seemed to be just days on end of fogginess, it gives me even greater encouragement now to plod on positively knowing that someone too, writes about her ( self )wherein I find me.
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